I never knew it was possible to miss having something that was never really yours. I did not know that our hearts could keep so much inside and when it was time to let it all out, we would still be quiet in the fear of losing it, losing what was never really ours. I did not know that love could work in such a strange way, and I had no idea that I would fall prey to it.
When I looked at you, sitting very close to you, all I saw was my world moving round and round your pupils as my heartbeat paced up. I saw myself in the gray of your eyes although I knew you would never see yourself in mine. I stayed close to you all that time, all those years, helping you with everything small and big and letting you use my advice to get through the things that bothered you, but I never had the courage or the heart to put in words what I felt every time I was with you or around you.
I loved you, but I loved us more.
I never really had you but now that you are gone, both physically and emotionally distant from me, now that you have worked your life away, I miss you. I miss you even though you were never mine.
I admit that I loved you, I still do, and being the hesitant, confused person that I am, I think I will still take an eternity to accept my love for you. Have you ever seen such kind of, where, instead of being anxious about your acceptance of my love, I am unable to bring myself to love you with the whole world seeing?
I did feel special when it was me you brought your problems to, to look for their solutions. I liked being the one who you looked up to for a word of comfort when things went wrong in your life. I, for one, loved being as close to you as we were, but I never had the courage to tell you because, I think, I loved ‘us’ more than I loved you. Although ‘us’ was not known by the world and although we were not seen by the world as I would have liked us to be seen, I enjoyed being your instant, secret other half. It was like having a smuggled friendship, one that you could not modify or show off to the world because you were lucky to have it in the first place and the world cannot see it at all for they might take it away from you. You were my smuggled friendship, my untold story and, now, my biggest regret.
Was It Betrayal?
Did I betray our friendship by letting myself love you more than a friend loves a friend? Did I betray our friendship by now wanting it to be more special than it ever was? Or did I betray us by never telling you that when you cried over another girl, I was crying inside for I was never going to get your precious emotions all for myself?
Whatever it was, however my love betrayed our friendship, I did not let it ruin anything except for my own heart.
I kept it all inside and stayed a friend every time you needed a friend, I kept my wishes to myself because somewhere deep inside, I knew that if I let them out, they would damage and disrupt what we had and I could not bear that. I did not tell you I loved you because I could not stand the thought of losing you because I know that love comes with pain. I chose my own brand of pain by burying all the feelings down. And I am glad I did it because today, you are happy somewhere with someone and that is, to some extent, because of me. Even though your happiness is not with me, it is there and that is all I want.
Some nights, I blame myself for not being selfish and telling you that I wanted to be with you for more time than I already was and other nights, I blame myself for letting the feelings grow so strong. However I feel at different nights and however my days now go with you gone, I know one thing for sure: I miss you. It weighs my heart down to think of you not needing me anymore. I knew I will not have you forever and I also knew that you were never mine, but then again, I never knew that it was possible to miss having something that was never really yours.
I learned to love from you even if it was in the form of friendship for you and the world to see. I know now how it feels to long for someone’s love and, all in all, I know love. You taught me everything about it without ever knowing it and now you have taught me one more thing: how to miss something you never actually had, and I am equally grateful.