I Stopped Blaming Myself For Your Inability To Love Me

A Posted 10 months ago
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Take note that I have given up on you, but I haven’t necessarily given up on love.

I have stopped looking in the mirror in efforts to seek out the problem. I have stopped criticizing myself; picking apart every single flaw that exists within me. I have stopped lowballing my sense of self-worth. My self-esteem is no longer under attack and my confidence is no longer weak. I have stopped trying to figure out what it is about my appearance that repels you. I have stopped telling myself that I’m never going to be good enough for anything because of all my imperfections. I have stopped setting the bar too high for myself with the knowledge that I am perfectly fine standing where I am at. I will no longer subscribe to the idea that I am not deserving of love or of nice things because I know that is a lie. I know that I am an imperfect being but I no longer let that knowledge consume me. I let it motivate me to become the best possible version of myself because it’s what I want; not necessarily what other people want or expect from me.

I have stopped looking at the pictures of all your previous flames. I have stopped trying to win this silent competition that we used to play. I stopped trying to get ahead of them in your eyes because I know that this is just a game that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. I stopped wishing my hair would look a certain way or that my body would conform to your personal standards. I stopped trying to act like I was interested in things that I wasn’t really interested in. I have stopped trying to change the way I talk, the way I dress, the way I walk just to please you. I stopped trying so hard to be a person other than who I really am. All of the time that I will continue to be blessed with in my life will be devoted to me and me alone. I will no longer waste my time trying to become a person that I’m just not meant to be; a person that I don’t really want to become. My time is precious and only the most precious of people will be allowed to share it with me.

I have managed to remove my love goggles and now I see you for who you really are. I no longer think of you as a Greek god who has been sent on this earth to satisfy my passions and pleasures. I no longer see you as a perfect being who is virtually incapable of committing any faults. I was blind, but now I see. I see the toxic and despicable human being that you are; the manipulative boy who tried so hard to make me believe that I was never good enough. I took all of the emotional abuse that I suffered at your hands and I told myself that I would have none of it anymore. I finally managed to see that what we had wasn’t love and that what I felt was mere misplaced adoration for someone undeserving of it. I stopped being the only person in the relationship who was putting in all the work. I was the only one who was bending over backwards trying to make sure that you were comfortable, happy, and at ease. But it never seemed like you were doing the same for me and I just got fed up. I no longer allowed myself to play the role of the victim. In this new part of my life’s story, I will be the heroine, and you will be but a footnote on my life’s great works.

Despite everything that you did to me, I still believed in the concept of eternal love. I still believed in finding that one person who would still make living worthwhile. I still believed in the feeling of having someone who could bring color and light into the gloomiest and darkest of days. I understand now that love doesn’t necessarily mean I have to constantly be experiencing heartbreak. Love doesn’t mean that I have to be constantly in tears. Love should only mean comfort. Love should mean stability. Love should mean acceptance. And these are things that I never got from you, but I will get them from another person. For the meantime, I am perfectly fine with being myself. I am perfectly okay with the love that I have to devote to my being.

Take note that I have given up on you, but I haven’t necessarily given up on love. Yes, the right guy will come along one day and make me feel all the butterflies that you once managed to make me feel. But this time, it will be different. This time it will be real. I will no longer have to be the only one making all the effort in the relationship. I will no longer find myself questioning my self-worth. I will no longer second-guess whether or not I am deserving of the love that I am getting. 

One day, the guy will come along and he will manage to relieve all my anxieties. He will give me my comfort. He will make me feel accepted. He will love me the way that you never did.