2017, I had to fold my cards. But in 2018, I’m going to be dealt a new hand and I have to make the most of it.
2017 is nearing its conclusion. And this symbolizes a number of prominent things in human culture. For one, a new year should also symbolize a refreshing of one’s soul. I shouldn’t have to be carrying any more pain, heartache, or disappointment from lost loves in 2017. As the year is drawing to its end, I need to acknowledge that this is a chapter of my life that I need to end as well.
I was in love with this person. Yes, that’s true. I loved how their smile used to light up my day even when I was feeling down. I loved how my hands felt a little safer and more secure every time we touched. I loved the twinkle in their eyes whenever they locked their sights on me. I loved how they let me play with their hair, and how they played with mine. I love how they gave me their heart, and how I gave them mine in return.
Yes, I thought that this person was destined to be with me forever. I couldn’t believe it myself at first. Everything was just a little too good to be true. I didn’t know what I did in life to ever deserve that kind of romantic experience. But eventually, I slowly grew to accept the love that came knocking into my life. Gradually, my walls started to crumble and I let my guard down.
I trusted this person with my life, my heart, my soul. I loved them to the best of my abilities. There was not a single cell in my body that didn’t feel love for this person. It took every ounce of strength in me to not shout out I love you from the rooftops of every sleeping city in the world. I loved this person and I wasn’t shy about it. I didn’t feel guilty for it. I knew that my love was real and it was noble. I wasn’t ashamed of it. I was proud of it and I knew I would fight for it until the end.
Never did it even cross my mind that they would ever leave me; that somehow, our love would ever become invalidated. I was so confident and sure in how I felt, I didn’t realize that I was blinding myself from the reality of the situation. I was caught living in a dreamland that housed only me and no one else. I invested so much of myself in this love because I never thought that I would ever lose. I didn’t see it as a risk. I grew attached without ever thinking of having to detach myself eventually. I thought that what we had was a one in a million kind of love. But wow, I was so wrong.
As we progressed into the greater depths of the relationship, the problems that come attached with a flawed love started to rear their ugly heads. And then, little by little, I started to discover that our love wasn’t as indestructible as I had initially thought it to be.
I was hurt. My ego was bruised. My heart was bleeding and I could do nothing to stop the emotional blood from flowing. I had grown to stop loving you and I never knew that that could ever happen. It happened slowly over time. But it was also a deliberate loss of love. It was slow and it was painful the kind of pain that just demanded to be felt. And eventually, everything just vanished and I stopped feeling things altogether.
I spent a lot of 2017 just trying to make myself whole again. I felt like a huge part of me was ripped into shreds when I lost our love. I was mourning that love. It was something that I had grown incredibly attached to and I didn’t know how to function without it. I have so much of myself to this relationship and I just didn’t know how I would go on without it.
2017, I had to fold my cards. But in 2018, I’m going to be dealt a new hand and I have to make the most of it.
This coming year, I’m going to let go of everything that I had in 2017. In 2018, it’s going to be a blank page where I will write the rest of my story on. My book of life is unfinished and I want to make sure that I set myself up for a happy ending. 2017 didn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to, but that doesn’t mean that 2018 has to be the same. I am going to take charge of my life. The only things that I’m bringing with me are the lessons that I was forced to learn in the previous year. And these lessons will help me to have a better life moving forward. This is it. I’m owning 2018.
