Life after marriage: the brutal truth? You never see that in movies.
#1 Your marriage will have one disagreement that you won’t be able to resolve–and you’ll never agree about what it is! Identify and accept it as early as possible. Help your partner accept it too.
#2 Changing yourself is the only thing you can do. I know it’s straightforward, but it’s also hard. Keep that in mind when struggling with #1.
#3 Keep your stoicism about your own (no doubt herculean) efforts. You gotta do it, don’t expect praise. Sadly, I’m talking about housework here. Reframe the job as maintenance and improvement you do for yourself. You don’t have to expect anyone else to notice what you do (corollary 3b). Basically, you’re doing this for yourself!
#4 You both chose each other. The only family member you will ever choose is your spouse. You will evolve together in a way that no other intimate relationship can because it is self-directed. The excitement of establishing new traditions and new family benchmarks can be exhilarating. There is also a sense of frustration and fear: no roadmap, and the threat of de-selection, however abstract.
#5 Trade-offs are inevitable in life, including in your relationship and with your partner. The qualities that frustrate you are closely related to the ones you like.
#6 Marriage is about more than just social fabric. The diamond rock, the social approval, the fact that you’re a couple… all those things matter, but they can’t compare to the connection you share.
#7 Outsiders are likely to misjudge your relationship based on these secondary characteristics (#6). Just ignore them.
#8 You can’t have a good relationship if you don’t face adversity. It’s not worth mentioning what can go wrong in a bad relationship. But I’ve seen plenty of on-the-fence relationships grow after challenges.
#9 Be responsible for your own happiness. Keep your partner in the loop about your dreams, goals, and frustrations, but don’t make him/her responsible for them. Likewise, help him/her to realize their own dreams.
#10 The moment you first connected should never be forgotten. Even if it’s been years, the way you felt about each other then and in the weeks and months after will remind you that you can still connect.
Encouraging words
Something I read resonated with me, the guy with two divorces and one domestic relationship of 17 years. We tend to marry the person we imagine them to be.
I really like this line of social engagement. I really think individuals, couples etc seeking long-term or other intimate engagements and relationships need better tools or a dialogue to better know how to pick what they want. I’ve gone as far as analyzing my own beliefs to identify states in the US in which I should date just to really find the answer to this. I’ve tried to think about analogies (i.e: picking a good apple as a way of picking the best mate(s), or even, knowing what I want so I can spot her (analogous to spotting a favorite car) and it’s still tough! I hope relrules brings us closer to an honest, real and valuable foundation point in knowing how to do dating right(no pun) so we can reverse or prevent divorce rates and create happy couples which impact our everyday world.
I think some just have that “It’s You” realization at the wrong times in their lives. Maybe one or the other or both have demons to battle before they can continue…and that could take months. No matter wherever or whenever they are, they carry the heart of the other everywhere. Life has a funny way of coming back around and God performs miracles everyday…and who knows for what reason, be it closure, rekindling, or believing the truth is not something I could do without.
Lately, I rekindled a relationship with my 1st husband 40 years after our divorce. I soon realized he hadn’t changed. It was the fact that he was familiar that made me feel like getting back together with him. I am embracing our differences now. Weird how that works.