How did you feel like when you got into a heated discussion with your partner? What was your reaction? Did you start to yell at them, call them stuff, complain about things related to them or just left the room and sat somewhere in silence? And then, how was your reaction when the other person attempted to clarify what the problem really was, did you get defensive at that moment or alternately would you say you were ready to joke around and help calm things down?
Every couple fights at one point or another, the only thing that differentiates the couples in this regard is how they deal with the argument afterwards. Furthermore, the way a couple deals with these arguments plays quite a vital role in the future of their relationship.
A research was published about what NOT to do in arguments with your partners, if you really want a happy future with them. This research was published by John Gottman after watching couples argue about different things, in the end he concluded the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are as follows:
The first one: Criticism
If a person doesn’t feel comfortable about a certain thing in his/her relationship and he/she tries to complain about it, then it can be okay to some extent, it can actually be healthy as well in a relationship if done the right way. It only becomes wrong when the complaining part transforms into criticizing. A complaint concentrates on the incident or conduct you want to be changed, while criticizing someone is kind of a personal attack. When you wind up summing up that your partner always or "never" accomplishes something, you are in the criticizing zone.
For instance, I might need to tell my spouse that I think that it’s irritating that we don’t travel regularly. I could simply let him know that I wish that we voyaged more. Alternately, I could point the finger at him for this issue and say, "We never travel since you are always busy and couldn’t care less about my hobbies."
Now here’s what you should do: Try to complain without blaming them and let themВ know that you are upset about something. Avoid using the words, never and always. *Continue reading to next page*
The second one: Defensiveness
When somebody says that you’ve done something wrong, your first basic reaction is always going to be it was not my fault and then you start to explain about how it wasn’t your fault. At times, a person does this defensively, this is basically a defensive instinct that most of us have. This defensive reaction can also occur when your partner starts to complain about something, what you do is basically react with complain of your own about them.
For instance, when your husband tries to complain that it irritates him when you leave wet towels on the bed, you react by complaining about how it irritates you when he doesn’t make the bed.
Now here’s what you should do: You always have got to listen to what the other person has to say or complain about, first. You can see how resisting the urge to be defensive about something can improve and end your arguments in a healthy way.
The third one: Contempt
Everyone gets angry at one point or another. However, when you start to feel hatred for your partner, that is a reasonable sign that you need to change something. Contempt is the best indicator of separation. On the off-chance that you are calling your partner names, ridiculing your accomplice, and being snide at him or her, you are pretty much feeling that contempt. One can tease their partner for fun or pull their leg, but if you start to tease them in a low manner, for example, ridiculing something you know they are delicate about, that is an indication of hatred.В *Continue reading to next page*
Now here’s what you should do: Try to avoid the things you don’t like about your partner and focus on the ones you like and appreciate them. If you still feel the hatred for your partner, simply take a moment and think about how your life would have been if you had not met this person.
The fourth one: Stonewalling
Stonewalling is basically about what you don’t do, rather than what you do. Think about how a rock solid stone wall would act like when you tell it about your feelings. When someone sits in complete silence or replies with just one-word answers, they are trying to avoid the conversation. This mostly happens because of the overwhelmed feeling one gets due to other’s strong negativity. According to Gottman, men are the ones that mostly do this stonewalling thing.
Now here’s what you should do: Instead of becoming a stone cold’ wall in front of your partner, try to let them know that you are maybe not having a good time or want some time alone to cool off and then come back to them and return to the conversation your partner was trying to have with you.
These all 4 things can be interrelated, look at it this way, when a person criticizes their partner, they in return get defensive, this can stimulate the hatred, which eventually turns into stonewalling.
The couples that can talk about everything, share every moment, joke around with each other, have those inside jokes are better at ending those heated arguments by just a smile or a joke.
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How do you guys settle arguments? Do you take days or months? Or do you settle them instantly? Let me know in the comments below!