Whenever a relationship is just starting out, it has a tendency to be filled with so much excitement and optimism. There’s just so much mutual hope between two individuals who believe so much in the love that they share as a couple. You would always want to go into a relationship with the hopes that everything is going to turn out the way that you want them to.
You always want to be deepening the passion, love, and commitment that you have for your partner. You convince yourself to have maximum tolerance and patience for your loved one. You tell yourself that the only way you would ever end the relationship is if you are ever abused, if you are ever cheated on, or if you are ever betrayed.
And that’s fine. Those are some fairly common deal-breakers that a lot of people have going into new relationships. However, you have to know that these relationship killers are rarely the ones that are responsible for most relationships coming to an unfortunate end. Nope.
You might even be surprised to know that frequent arguments don’t necessarily spell doom for a vast majority of relationships. In fact, research has shown that arguing can actually help strengthen a relationship because two couples become closer when conflicts are resolved.
The real killers of relationships are actually a lot more subtle and quieter. They are the ones that act so silently that you might not even know that they’re problems, to begin with.
John Gottman is actually an expert in the field of relationships and he happens to be the executive director of the Relationship Research Institute. He has conducted a 35-year study on marriage and divorce and has studied thousands of different couples over the course of many years.
He and his time are now able to predict with around an 85% accuracy rate whether a relationship is going to last or not. All they need is 15 minutes of observation time.
Gottman has identified that there are four potentially deadly risk areas in a relationship that couples always need to be staying mindful of. And luckily for you, all of that information is going to be shared here. If you are like most people in relationships, you always want to be doing everything you can to make that relationship last.
That’s why you want to be reading the information in this article. Police yourself and make sure that you aren’t committing any of these mortal relationship sins.
1. Contempt
Gottman says that this is the number one cause of divorce in a lot of marriages all over the world. And that’s why you want to be making sure that you aren’t practicing contempt in your own relationship. Contemptuous behavior can be very subtle and it’s so easy to engage in it without even realizing it.
Contempt can often be masked behind eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, and hostile humor. In essence, contempt is the manifestation of one partner feeling more superior to the other. It’s when one partner manifests a kind of ascendancy over the other. And that is never healthy for a relationship.
In any kind of healthy relationship, it’s essential for the two people in it to always be seeing themselves as equals in a relationship.
2. Criticism
Okay, this one needs some substantial explaining. There is such a thing as good criticism and there is also bad criticism. Good criticism is important in crafting a strong and healthy relationship wherein both of you are on the same page. Bad criticism is the kind that kills relationships and it’s the one you always need to be avoiding.
It’s okay for you to be criticizing your partner in the sense that you just want them to be better. Criticism is okay if it is done out of a place of love and concern. However, criticism is bad if you’re doing it just to attack your partner’s character. That’s the kind of criticism that you always need to be avoiding at all costs.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is something that is actually connected with criticism. When your partner criticizes you over something, it’s important for you to take it in a healthy and mature manner. You can’t have such a fragile ego to the point that you become unreceptive of any kind of criticism.
You always need to be maintaining an open mind if you want to have a healthier and stronger relationship. If you refuse to learn the ways in which you can become a stronger partner in your relationship, then you are essentially dooming your love.
4. Stonewalling
And lastly, there’s stonewalling. And this is one of the deadliest sins that you need to avoid in a relationship. It’s essentially when you choose to withdraw or excuse yourself from a situation – in particular, an uncomfortable one.
You can’t afford to be doing that. If you are truly invested in your relationship, you always stay in it no matter what. You don’t run away from uncomfortable talks or conversations. You stay and you hash everything out.
