21 Signs It’s Lust, Not Love

Is it love or lust? Let’s talk about the difference between love and lust. Certainly, they ignite the fire within you and you cannot breathe for the passion that keeps you up at night, but is that what it is? Passion? Love? Or instead, just one of the baser emotions?

Could it possibly be lust? I suppose, for me, the first clue should have been during our time together when he said, “You don’t have to like the other person to want them.” Or perhaps later when he indicated that he is looking for something better, and someone more ‘marriageable’ in his eyes.

A relationship based on lust is great if you know what you are getting yourself into and do it with your eyes wide open, for a good romp in the hay. No one is going to blame you for having certain sexual needs and desires. No one is going to fault you for that.

It’s all a part of being human after all. But what’s important is that you don’t delude yourself. Here are 21 signs that what you share is lust, and not love.

1. You’re dressed to impress

You are always looking at your best with them. Your eyebrows are waxed, you are invariably dressed to advantage, and your Brazilian is immaculate. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the point is that you take particular care in your appearance each time you meet them.

In a relationship that is based on more than just the superficial, you and your partner wouldn’t care if your hair wasn’t perfect someday because your relationship is much more than all that lies outside.

2. A dearth of meaningful conversations

“Love is the friendship that has caught on fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing, and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” -Ann Landers

When you’re in love, and I mean well and truly in love, you are comfortable with your partner and all that they are. Which means you are also comfortable talking about most things with them. Your partner is your friend, unlike lust, in which case friendship and the meaningful conversations that come with it are lacking. Conversations making up your problems, your hopes, your dreams, and your life, in general, are missing from your interactions.

3. They look like sin

In a relationship based on lust alone, your partner most likely appears to be a version of Adonis/Aphrodite. And you’re oft left thinking that nature has bestowed an inordinate amount of beauty on this individual. You cannot stop thinking of their looks and believe them to be perfect when the reality is that they are far from it.

In love, you see past a person’s imperfections to the beauty and kindness within. There is a passion, but it isn’t based solely on their looks, rather it is derived from the love you two share.

4. Your time is spent tumbling

This, I draw purely from experience. Although I do not lay claim to it being unique to me and my former situation. Feel free to relate to it. So, you decide to watch a movie together. But instead of opting for one that is playing at your nearest cinemas, you choose to watch an oldie at his/her place.

Sounds cute and somewhat romantic right? Sure, if you do end up watching the entire movie. And that is because, in reality, you could care less about the movie and spend the greater portion of the time hitting the home run. And that is just what happens when your relationship is based on lust, and not love.

You spend virtually all your time with each other having sex. Indeed, sex is a wonderful way to express your feelings for one another, but it shouldn’t be the only one.

5. You don’t connect on an emotional level

Your communication is stunted. You don’t identify your feelings or discuss them, and neither does he/she. You don’t lead to discussions pertaining to how he/she makes you feel or vice versa. Frankly, feelings don’t come into it, unless they are about sex.

When you connect with someone on an emotional level, you draw comfort from silence. You aren’t bothered by lying on your sides and gazing into each other’s eyes till 4 in the morning (oh, trust me, it’s quite the novelty at the outset of love).

But the fact that silences are awkward, and your communication is based solely on sex and which bit you enjoyed most should be a neon sign screaming it’s pure lust.

6. Your memories are associated with the bedroom alone

Each time you think of the moments you’ve spent with him/her, you don’t think of the movie you watched or the meal you shared, or the walks you took. Instead, your thoughts are instantly routed towards all the titillating moments you spent in each other’s company…only. And those memories alone stand out in your mind each time you think of him/her.

7. No plans for the future

You speak of how good it is. How much you want each other. Of your desire for the other one. What you want out of your next ‘date’. But one thing you haven’t imagined doing is spending a lifetime with them.

If the thought of marriage, children, join accounts, shared sleepless nights changing diapers, vacations taken together amongst several others of a similar nature come to your mind over time when you think of them, then you can be assured that this is perhaps more than just pure lust. But if the future never comes into it, ever, then the nature of your relationship need not be spelled out for you.

8. You rarely ever go out on real dates

One very clear indication that the two of you are just lust buddies and not love buddies is that you don’t really go out on real dates at all. Dates are important in a real romantic relationship because they are able to bring two people closer together in a very intimate capacity.

It allows for two individuals to really connect and bond with one another on an emotional level that transcends just a mere physical attraction. The fact that you don’t go on dates might be indicative of the lack of attachment between the two of you.

9. You don’t really have personal investments in one another

Neither of you really have any real personal investments in one another. You don’t try to get to know one another in a deep and intimate way. You don’t ask each other questions, and you don’t try to do any investigative work. It’s mostly just casual interactions and shallow connections between the two of you. A failure to get deep with one another on an emotional level is a real sign of a lack of love in a relationship.

10. You don’t merge your social circles

You haven’t really made any efforts to merge your social circles. In an ideal relationship situation, you would always be doing whatever it takes to merge your worlds together. And that includes merging your social circles as well. You want the most important people in your life to get along with all of the important people in your partner’s life if the two of you are ever going to have a future. The fact that you’re not really making an effort for that to be the case is a big issue.

11. You don’t say the “L” word to one another

You avoid it like the plague. Saying the “L” word to each other is practically a big no-no for both of you at this point. You know that it would just mess everything up, and even though it really looks like love on the outside, and even though you really wish you could say it, you don’t. You know that it wouldn’t be real or that things won’t work out. If something is holding you back from saying the word “love,” then you know that means something is amiss between the two of you.

12. You only think about one another in a dirty fashion

Whenever the two of you ever think about one another, it’s always done in a rather dirty or sensual fashion. You never just stop to think about how smart, funny, caring, or witty they might be. You just immediately jump to sexual thoughts like how great they are in bed or how chiseled their abs might be. You focus merely on all of the physical aspects of your partner, but never on the person or the emotional side.


13. You don’t feel pressured to get to know one another


You don’t really feel compelled to get to know one another better. It’s almost as if you’re just completely content with maintaining a kind of emotional distance between the two of you. You don’t try to ask questions. You don’t really try to open up. There is no freedom to express. And there’s no willingness to listen either. Most importantly, this doesn’t really bother or concern either of you at all.

14. You act overly forgiving and lenient with one another

Usually, in a relationship, it’s typical for couples to become upset at one another. You might get upset at the fact that they don’t show up when they say they would. You might get upset whenever they fail to make an effort with you. However, when there is no real emotional investment or attachment, it can be very easy to just forgive and forget about a person’s shortcomings. When you don’t really love someone in an intimate capacity, you don’t hold that person to a higher standard.

15. Neither of you stays conscious about how you act around each other

Ideally, when you are around the person you love most in this world, you would always make it a point to be on your best behavior. You always want to make sure that you are acting your best whenever you are around them. You always want them to be able to see the best facets of your personality. If you don’t want them to see you in the best light, it’s probably because you don’t care much about how they might think about you.

16. Not talking isn’t really an issue

It’s always going to be trouble in a romantic relationship when there is a lack of communication. However, between the two of you, things might be fine. In fact, the two of you might even find it better that the two of you just never talk and communicate. That is indicative of the nature of the relationship and just how little you value personal connection with one another.

17. Intimacy is only limited to bedroom antics

Intimacy is something that you would be able to find in all sorts of relationships. However, it’s not something that just comes in a physical form. When you think of two people being intimate, it’s not them just merely kissing, hugging, or having fun in the bedroom. Intimacy is also having deep conversations and spending lots of private time together. If your idea of intimacy is purely limited to sexual activities, then it’s a problem.

18. You don’t care about each other’s problems

You aren’t really concerned about one another. You don’t act like genuine partners because you don’t concern yourself with each other’s worries or problems. You are always just practically doing your own thing and being your own person outside of whatever relationship setup you might have. The only time you really do connect is in the bedroom.

19. You don’t really rely on one another for anything

You have both learned how to be very independent and self-sustaining souls. You don’t really count on one another to be there because you know that you don’t expect the other to deliver or to show up at all. There is no real intention of committing yourselves to one another in a serious manner at all. It’s really more of a casual set up between the two of you,

20. You are okay with keeping lots of secrets from one another


You are essentially okay with just hiding things from one another in the relationship. You don’t really feel the need to communicate everything to each other. You are okay with keeping the other in the dark because neither of you feels entitled to the other person’s news or information. It’s just a real emotional gap between the two of you.

21. You don’t feel any jealousy whatsoever

You don’t really feel any kind of jealousy with one another. That means that there is a lack of emotional attachment whenever you don’t feel territorial with another person. It just goes to show how expendable this person might be in your life.

  1. Big words! Jealousy is incorrect. Possessiveness is the word. Lack of it shows your attachment is not in the love sphere. True love gives freedom and respect? Hope you practice it.

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