21 Signs It’s Lust, Not Love

Is it love or lust? Let’s talk about the difference between love and lust. Certainly, they ignite the fire within you and you cannot breathe for the passion that keeps you up at night, but is that what it is? Passion? Love? Or instead, just one of the baser emotions?

Could it possibly be lust? I suppose, for me, the first clue should have been during our time together when he said, “You don’t have to like the other person to want them.” Or perhaps later when he indicated that he is looking for something better, and someone more ‘marriageable’ in his eyes.

A relationship based on lust is great if you know what you are getting yourself into and do it with your eyes wide open, for a good romp in the hay. No one is going to blame you for having certain sexual needs and desires. No one is going to fault you for that.

It’s all a part of being human after all. But what’s important is that you don’t delude yourself. Here are 21 signs that what you share is lust, and not love.

1. You’re dressed to impress

You are always looking at your best with them. Your eyebrows are waxed, you are invariably dressed to advantage, and your Brazilian is immaculate. Whether you’re a man or a woman, the point is that you take particular care in your appearance each time you meet them.

In a relationship that is based on more than just the superficial, you and your partner wouldn’t care if your hair wasn’t perfect someday because your relationship is much more than all that lies outside.

2. A dearth of meaningful conversations

“Love is the friendship that has caught on fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing, and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” -Ann Landers

When you’re in love, and I mean well and truly in love, you are comfortable with your partner and all that they are. Which means you are also comfortable talking about most things with them. Your partner is your friend, unlike lust, in which case friendship and the meaningful conversations that come with it are lacking. Conversations making up your problems, your hopes, your dreams, and your life, in general, are missing from your interactions.

3. They look like sin

In a relationship based on lust alone, your partner most likely appears to be a version of Adonis/Aphrodite. And you’re oft left thinking that nature has bestowed an inordinate amount of beauty on this individual. You cannot stop thinking of their looks and believe them to be perfect when the reality is that they are far from it.

In love, you see past a person’s imperfections to the beauty and kindness within. There is a passion, but it isn’t based solely on their looks, rather it is derived from the love you two share.

4. Your time is spent tumbling

This, I draw purely from experience. Although I do not lay claim to it being unique to me and my former situation. Feel free to relate to it. So, you decide to watch a movie together. But instead of opting for one that is playing at your nearest cinemas, you choose to watch an oldie at his/her place.

Sounds cute and somewhat romantic right? Sure, if you do end up watching the entire movie. And that is because, in reality, you could care less about the movie and spend the greater portion of the time hitting the home run. And that is just what happens when your relationship is based on lust, and not love.

You spend virtually all your time with each other having sex. Indeed, sex is a wonderful way to express your feelings for one another, but it shouldn’t be the only one.

5. You don’t connect on an emotional level

Your communication is stunted. You don’t identify your feelings or discuss them, and neither does he/she. You don’t lead to discussions pertaining to how he/she makes you feel or vice versa. Frankly, feelings don’t come into it, unless they are about sex.

When you connect with someone on an emotional level, you draw comfort from silence. You aren’t bothered by lying on your sides and gazing into each other’s eyes till 4 in the morning (oh, trust me, it’s quite the novelty at the outset of love).

But the fact that silences are awkward, and your communication is based solely on sex and which bit you enjoyed most should be a neon sign screaming it’s pure lust.

6. Your memories are associated with the bedroom alone

Each time you think of the moments you’ve spent with him/her, you don’t think of the movie you watched or the meal you shared, or the walks you took. Instead, your thoughts are instantly routed towards all the titillating moments you spent in each other’s company…only. And those memories alone stand out in your mind each time you think of him/her.

7. No plans for the future

You speak of how good it is. How much you want each other. Of your desire for the other one. What you want out of your next ‘date’. But one thing you haven’t imagined doing is spending a lifetime with them.

If the thought of marriage, children, join accounts, shared sleepless nights changing diapers, vacations taken together amongst several others of a similar nature come to your mind over time when you think of them, then you can be assured that this is perhaps more than just pure lust. But if the future never comes into it, ever, then the nature of your relationship need not be spelled out for you.

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Relationship Rules

Relationship Rules is my ideology of love. It's a concept of emotion and oneness. Check out my book - "50 Rules of a Relationship" here.

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