I know that you never became a person that I could call mine; but we came damn close to being so. You were never mine to begin with, but why is it so damn hard for me to just let you go? We never ended up getting together but why does it seem like I can’t even walk away from you? I know this isn’t normal because no other person has ever had this kind of emotional impact on me before. I know that you just aren’t another face in the crowd; you’re not just “someone else” to me.
And it frightens me to think that I’m never seemingly going to be able to move on from you. Maybe it’s just the natural connection that you and I seemed to have as a couple. Maybe it was the fact that you and I always managed to have natural and organic conversations all of the time; conversations that never seemed forced. Maybe it was the effortless way that we managed to make one another laugh. Maybe it was the subtle intimacies of our embraces that made me think that the two of us actually had something real.
Perhaps it was in the way that you always managed to make me smile even when I wasn’t even in the mood to be around anyone. Perhaps it was in the subtle energy that I always felt in the room whenever you and I were together. I don’t know. Or maybe it was just a big combination of all of those things. Can you really blame me if that’s the case?
I know that you never really were mine; but why is it that it felt like you were? Why was it that I always somehow felt like I had something to lose when it came to you? How come I felt a sense of ownership; and a sense of anxiety that comes with that ownership? Was I being possessive of something that I never really had in my grasp? I always expected you to come to me for advice on things. I always expected you to run to me whenever you felt like you needed perspective and guidance on life.
I had gotten so used to all of those long phone conversations that you and I would have late into the nights. I had grown accustomed to all of those nights that we spent just getting drunk on cheap wine and laughing our way into the wee hours of the morning. It just felt so great listening to you open up about your family and your life growing up; how you lamented all of the crushes that you’ve had as a kid and young adult. It made me feel special to know that you were so comfortable with just telling me about your secrets; the stuff about your life that you never would have shared to anyone else.
I know that you and I never really talked about the idea of “us” but I kind of guess that it was implied. I guess I thought that it was something that could be assumed. Was I right to be thinking like that? Was I wrong? I know in my mind that I would have done anything for you at that point. I know that was invested. But I guess that you weren’t. And that’s why you never really were mine despite the fact that I was madly in love with you. It took me the longest time (and with much humility and strength) to realize that just because I wanted to bad to be with you,
it was never enough. It’s not enough that I love you and want to be with you. In order for you to really be mine, I need you to want me in the same way. But you don’t; and that’s why you aren’t mine. That’s why you’re probably never going to be mine after all. That’s why I just need to let you go even though you were never mine to begin with. And it’s just so hard. Maybe I had already known it in the back of my mind and I merely chose to ignore it. Maybe the truth was right there in front of me and I made myself blind to it on purpose.
Perhaps I just really didn’t want to accept the fact that you weren’t mine. Maybe I was too naïve and stubborn to believe the truth; that you didn’t love me in the way that I wanted you to. Maybe you didn’t even love me at all. And it hurts so much more now just because I was too scared to face it back then. And even though I don’t want to (and not sure how I’m going to do it exactly), I’m going to have to let you go.
