I can’t let what you did to me keep me from finding the love I deserve to have. I have to be strong; for the sake of my heart.
It’s been so long but it doesn’t feel like so. I still feel like you were in my arms just the other day as we were cuddling in front of the TV. But it’s more than half a year already. But I still recall all those memories as vividly as I see everything that’s happening around me now. The moment you decided to leave me, I couldn’t do anything but randomly burst into tears. Sleeping was no longer possible. Eating wasn’t even an option.
Of course, I started living a very unhealthy lifestyle. I was sleep-deprived. I wasn’t eating the amount of food that I should have been. And all of the physical malpractices showed on my face. I was breaking out Deep wells under my eyes were starting to form. It was a result of all the heartbreaking music that I would let serenade me at night instead of allowing myself to go to sleep in silence. This was a very difficult time in my life and I didn’t know what to do. I had loved you with all of my heart and so when you chose to leave, it’s as if I left myself too. I had those random nights where I would just keep placing one foot in front of another; letting my feet take me wherever they wanted to go.
On one such night, I found that my feet had brought me to a park that we used to frequent during our busy work days. We used to go there and have picnics for lunch as a way to destress from our corporate jobs. We would just sit and enjoy each other’s company while eating our food that came from a nearby stall. Then, we would people-watch and try to conjure up storylines about the lives of the strangers who happen to pass us buy. We laughed so much during those little lunch getaways of ours. We were caught up in our own little world that no one could ever penetrate. That was my happiness.
Not a day went by wherein I didn’t find myself waiting by my phone for your text or your call telling me that you were coming over to hang out; or that you were picking me up to take me somewhere. I was always excited by the thought of spending time with you. You were my world and I didn’t want to be spending time with anyone else.
Which is why it was absolutely devastating when you decided to leave me. You were the one thing I looked forward to every day. You were the one thing that I was happy for in life. So when you chose to leave, all of my happiness, excitement, and joy just left right with you. And I was left in a world without color; a world so dull and numb, I felt like this was a world that wasn’t worth living in anymore.
The worst part is that I didn’t see the signs. Had I known that you were thinking about ending things with me, I would have done a few things differently. I would have tried harder. I would have done whatever I could to keep you in my life. You were my home; but when you left, the walls of my house came crashing down.
At first, I was in denial of the whole situation. We had been together for so long, I couldn’t possibly imagine a world where you and I wouldn’t be together. And so I thought that our separation was going to be something temporary. But after some time, I had to realize that you were serious about not coming back. I decided to bargain with you. I threw all sense of pride out the window and I threw my pathetic self at your feet, pleading for you to take me back. When all of my efforts failed, I threw a fit.
I needed someone to blame. I blamed myself at first, but I then realized that I wasn’t the one who broke up with me. So I ended up blaming you for being selfish. But then I also realized that there is nothing wrong with you choosing to live your life the way you wanted to live it. So I just accepted the sad reality of my situation. I just allowed myself to be human and I let all of the sadness consume my soul.
I realized that in relationships, it’s never enough to have only one person do all the fighting. And when you left, I was the only one who was fighting for us and I should have seen how foolish I had been. But sometimes, that’s all we can ever really do in this world: fight like hell and hope for the best.
And so now, I’m ready to face love in the eye again. I’m ready to become vulnerable for another person. I can’t let what you did to me keep me from finding the love I deserve to have. I have to be strong; for the sake of my heart.