Today’s story is a rather different one. It’s about a couple who’s not really married, but “spiritually married” – whatever that means is beyond us. Marriage is done through legal means for a reason; it’s supposed to be a contract between two humans to promise each other a lot of their lives – it’s not just a piece of paper or an event meant to make others happy.
The Story
Reddit user husbandmaybefather posted his story on the Relationships subreddit. Sit back, relax, and grab your favorite cup; this is going to be a long read. He wrote:
“I have known/been dating my wife for 6 years, and we have been spiritually married for 2 years. We are not legally married, although at this point we are essentially common law.”
“We are both high earners (both earning over $175k a year after tax). We purchased our home together and we have agreed to split the finances 50-50. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, everything 50-50, although I did pay for the cost of our rings and her engagement ring. Our mortgage payments were 50-50 and we comfortably own our home now, so much of our income goes to savings, investments, home improvements and discretionary spending.”
“Because of our incomes, we felt it would be best to keep our finances separate – we’re both highly independent people and both very career driven. It’s part of the reason I’m so attracted to her – she’s amazing at what she does, and I’m so proud to be able to introduce her as my wife and explain what she does.”
“Unfortunately our first two years of marriage were hampered by COVID and lockdowns. We would have loved to have traveled and saved up quite a bit in order to do this. A couple months ago we had a talk and decided it might be a good time to have kids instead of continuously waiting for better or safer travel conditions. Without too serious discussion about it, we decided to stop using birth control and let things happen as they will.”
“Yesterday I came home and my wife was on the phone. She seemed like she was in a hurry to end her conversation and tried to evade my question when I asked who she was talking to. It was her sister. They don’t talk a lot, so that was a bit weird. She still works from home, so she continued to do some work, then we had dinner and watched some news. Regular, pleasant evening. Then she says she wants to have a serious talk, and asks me to make us some tea and meet her upstairs at her work desk.”
“I make the tea, bring it up, and she starts talking financials.”
“Her work place allows for maternity leave for up to a year, but only provides 50% of her salary for up to 6 months. The remaining 6 months is unpaid. She was very direct, and said that while her insurance would cover the vast majority of hospital related costs during pregnancy and childbirth, taking a 6 month break from work would cost her almost $50,000 since her pay would be cut in half. She is asking me to compensate her for that $50,000, in addition to agreeing to split any related but unexpected costs to pregnancy and childbirth. Her stance is that she is doing something for us to start a family, but it is not a true 50-50 split if she is expected to take a financial hit for it and I am not, given that our finances are separate. She had a printed list of expectations in terms of what she expected financially, listed some things that her insurance may not cover.”
“I see the logic in that, but I am really very turned off by this because she is essentially asking me to pay her to have our child (or children?).”
“She saw my hesitation and just doubled down. While her ideal is to return to work after 6 months, she says it’s a real possibility that she may require more time off and decide, as things happen, to take up to a year off. So, she had another plan drafted for that. For the first 6 months, her work will give her 50% of her salary, and I would compensate her for the rest, but for the next 6 months, since her work would not compensate her, and because this loss is something she is doing for the family, she is “comfortable splitting the loss of her income”, and only asking me for 50% of her salary instead of 100% for the second 6 month period, and she will take the loss of 50% of her salary. The idea I guess is that both of us “suffer” half the loss of income for the second 6 month period. However, if she takes 7 to 11 months off, any months after the 6th can be prorated.”
“She expressed that she anticipates and hopes to return to work in 6 months, but that she wants a contingency plan in the event that she requires a year off. She said that taking more than a year off is something she is very unlikely to do as it would put her job at risk, but that she’s open to exploring a third plan with me if I feel that it’s necessary.”
“There are also detailed notes about how she wants to keep housework split, with plans to start saving for both childcare and additional housekeeper expenses for at least the first four years. I kid you not, it’s a 16 page ring binder that she handed me with detailed notes, some explanations, and lists of expenses.”
“But the immediate and essential element here is that, she wants me to pay her $50,000 – $100,000 to compensate for the loss of her salary for 6-12 months as a result of her having our child.”
“I really do not know how to process this. My first thought is shock, because, despite our salaries, $50k-$100k is a lot to demand. The idea of a payment plan to have a child is just gross. And many couples manage to do this without paying their wives to have children. But then, I suppose most couples are married legally and a loss to one person’s income is a loss to everyone. So in our situation, it makes logical sense, but there’s something so transactional about it that puts a bad taste in my mouth.”
“I didn’t fight it or argue, and she’s basically allowing me to think about it, but says if having kids is something we’re going to do, she wants to write up an agreement and go to a lawyer (splitting the cost of that is ALSO in the binder).”
“What really hits me here is that she was talking to her sister on the same day she brings this up to me. Why on that day? On the same day she mentions this to me? They do not talk often. I am partially excited and scared that the timing of this means that she is actually currently pregnant and that my response to her will have real consequences if I disagree with her. She has previously had an abortion, and only told me after the fact (almost a year later), because it was early into dating. I was shocked to learn that when I did, but supported her choice as it’s her body, and at the time having kids would have been the wrong decision for us. Still, the fact that she makes decisions like that so independently has me incredibly cautious right now.”
“I checked trash cans and such for a pregnancy test but didn’t find anything. She also asked for tea instead of coffee, but maybe that is overthinking it because she likes both. I want to ask her if she’s pregnant, but we both had busy days today, and I was processing and it didn’t even occur to me on the day we first discussed this. Definitely a conversation to have, but I don’t know whether that should influence my response here.”
“tl;dr: My wife and I both earn over $175k a year and we are considering having children. She is asking me to compensate her for 6 to 12 months as compensation for the time she will have to take off to have our child. I do not know whether she is pregnant.”
The Responses
Reddit’s community didn’t support this husband for acting so strange about his situation, as his wife would have to potentially leave her job and take care of the baby – she’s only worried about her child’s future which is perfectly natural for any mother. Here are some of the top comments:
wemblewobble wrote:
“Are you expecting her to continue to pay 50% of everything when she has no income? Would it be preferable to you to simply pay 100% for the time she’s off work?”
GlassHalfFull-12- said:
“I think it’s funny how you’re all in on doing everything 50-50 and love that she’s career and business oriented, EXCEPT for the one biggest thing in which you’d carry significantly less of the financial, physical, mental, and emotional burden….for YEARS to come. All of a sudden it’s ‘gross’ to do things 50-50 and operate as individuals in business?”
Born-Inevitable264 commented:
“Hang on, why would you not be 100% supporting your partner financially while she is raising your child? Are you seriously expecting her to pay 50% of the bills while she’s not working?”
There are over 900 comments on this post, read them on Reddit here.
What’s Your Take?
What’s your opinion on this man’s situation? Share your take in the comments below!
Source: Reddit
I would pay her portion of most of bills while she’s takes leave instead of giving her money directly. If she doesn’t go for that, you guys split time off after baby, she take first 3-6mos and you the next 3-6mos, no money is exchanged.
That would only work if his workplace offered paternity leave for that long, which I highly doubt if they’re in the USA.
Get a different woman
Seems fair to me. She’s taking time off work to have YOUR child and won’t be bringing in as much income.
Least you could do dude to make up for the next year or so she’s going to be dealing with pregnancy and after birth issues.
it almost makes you not even want to get involved with another human. What is really shocking- this would not happen in any other culture EXCEPT in the USA. Mmmmmmm…makes you wonder why so many men from the USA, England, Japan, Australia are flocking to Eastern Europe to find a wife. 2019 over 400,000 alone.
Right, but when these guys do look for mail order brides, they pay 100% for the woman and all her wants and needs, plus the needs of any children they have. This couple have everything seperate, and the woman in this case is tying to split things 50/50 fairly between them. So which is the better deal, hmm?
Soooo, you’re telling us that instead of being able to attract a woman from your own country, you have to fly to impoverished, dangerous areas of the world to find women desperate enough to marry you to escape their terrible living conditions.
In short, you’re a cad.
Tell her to hit bricks, or don’t let the foot hit you on the ass on your way out!!! I know exactly what you mean about bad taste in your mouth in your mouth. That’s the first feeling I got when I started reading you story.
This guys right right-there are way better woman other places in the world. This sounds sounds like a “jezebel spirit”
But anyways .,. Yep my wife Filipina she is Loyal, devoted and Christian. She defend my honor /me if needed, great companionship, care taker, she’s happy sllbtgg by Eft one smiling, joking, speaks very good English as well as 3 other languages. She is educated from university. We met on Tinder….
I’d take less than $20,000 for an entire year to stay home and raise the kids. I think it’s gross that she is asking for money assuming she is staying home with the child and not planning on using it for daycare or such. Only reason to take that much time off or stay home is because you can’t make enough working to afford child care. Plenty of great daycare facilities take infants at 6wks. I wouldn’t sign anything and let her contact a lawyer after the kid is born. No sense in forking over that much money when a judge wouldn’t order you to pay it.
1) Your marriage sounds like a contract anyway.
2) If you pay all the bills during her pregnancy and split them in 1/2 for the second six months she is home that should be more than fair as she will still earn 50% of her wages during the first 6 months. As far as the cost of doctor bills and the baby’s birth between your insurances they they should be cover almost in full and if not you should each pay 1/2as this child belongs to both of you. Ss for the hosekeeper and daycare again both parties should pay 1/2 as you both are responsible for this child. This is not a some cold business deal you are discussing her – its your child.
Maybe ask her to only take off 6 weeks of work and you will put the child in day care where you both share the child care cost. Also for the period of time she is off work after giving birth you take over the household expenses and bills since she is not working. maybe find someone else to have children with.
I have 3 kids with my partner and we are not married because I do not want to be legally married to my husband (we call wife and husband). He wanted to marry me but I am scared. Well, I have no job right now. I am retired as a DentistDDS/DMD…, a Chef, an Administrator, a Web page designer, a Psychiatrist, and an upcoming new career to work at home and also be a stay-home mom. I gave up all my beautiful jobs for the sake of my children and my partner. Having a family is not a business. It’s what you plan together, build together, trust, and understand together. Save for the kids’ future and have life insurance. I am well aware and always trusting my partner we are together for 17years now unmarried. He cannot compensate me to think I am a higher earner than him but because of trust and love right now he shoulders all the expenses for our household even the needs of our children and even his finances is just enough for us to live happily together as a family. We fight very rough but then we cannot live without each other. Having CHILDREN is not a business of compensating one’s loss. It’s how you plan your life together. I should have 5 kids but we lost 2 of them because of miscarriage. I am working though I am pregnant to help my partner with our expenses and also we have some extra treats for our kids. You will not know your blessings until you have kids that make you a happy family. Worrying too much will end up hurting each other. Work together as a team stop being in love with money. Greediness will not help you have a good family relationship at all. Be content and plan together for your future. Pray together for guidance in life. I can sense that is lacking.
Having been a single and stay at home mum and having a low income, paying 100% of the expenses myself for the past 7 years, I think this is fair. You both have high incomes, she takes a hit and pretty much has asked you to cover just over 25% of her financial penalty for having a baby that is BOTH of yours (not just hers). After having a baby myself and suffering physically, emotionally and financially through the pregnancy and the first year of my daughter’s life, I think her asking for $50000 to soften the blow of the loss of her income is fair. If you’re married, you as the non birthing partner should be paying for 100% of the bills whilst she is unable to work. Forcing her not to take the full year off would be cruel and trust me you will notice the difference in your child if she goes back to work too soon. My friend’s partner forced her to do this when their baby was just 3 or 4 months old and it affected their daughter and their relationship. They ended up separating and the poor little girl only gets to see her dad every few months. Because of this she has emotional and behavioural problems. As an educator and a mother, I think it’s so important for mother’s to stay at home for as long as possible at least for the first 12-24 months. This is foundational for your child, you only get one shot at this and the time goes by so fast. It’s obviously as you said something that you need to come to an agreement on, talk about alternatives like you taking leave for the second six months (at reduced or no pay) to ensure fairness.
I can only WONDER…, what would be “YOUR” stance, if “YOU” had to wear her SHOES, in y’all predicament ???
Selfishness is simply running rapid…, in the Millennium. it’s got y’all looking crooked eyes at one another !!!
Get MARRIED, and walk into equality Father & Mother !!!
Wow….well I would respect her proposal due to her mind set of being driven. However, the actual fair thing is she take the 1st 6 months off then YOU take the second 6 months off or both of you take the first 6 months off together . Past the first 6 months would be a career decision .
Is the baby real and yours if so then yeah help partner out but that kind of money I’d be happy with anyway
This is so unfortunate situation and very intriguing because in the family culture i came from regardless of both partners are working its the husband’s responsibility to give 100% financial support for the family. It is the husband’s obligation to provide the needs of the family financially from mortgage, bills and other financial obligation of the family. The spouse’s obligation is to help her partner such as raising the kids and if she had a job then she will contribute to the needs of the family. This is not a matter of who will contribute what and how much. Me personally I worked two jobs since the pandemic since I have to let my wife stop from work so she can take care of my daughter hands on rather than having someone to take care of our daughter. I only earning half of your salary but able to manage to pay everything, because the end of the day as a husband and a father its my biggest and sole obligation to provide the needs of my family. Don’t be confuse about the amount of money you will put towards the needs of the family, its a matter making a budget and both of you talked about it so both of you will be im one page in regards to finances. I don’t disagree about the setup you have the 50-50 thing but again its not the amount you share its making sure the family will be supported. Hope you both will figure out the sooner the better.
If she is willing to have a baby with him. Then she doesn’t need $50,000 that’s a lot of money for wanting to have a baby . Why would he have to pay her that kind of money….yes take care of the bills and such while she is out of work but I wouldn’t give her $50,000 put that money into the home and essentials.
Honestly, all I am thinking about is is the child yours if there is one? If you weren’t together and had to pay child support, a paternity test is required. Think of it like this. You let her know you want her to take a paternity test first before you pay out anything. I’m not saying she is cheating or has, but what would it feel like if you paid out all of that money and then found the child didn’t belong to you? I understand where you both are coming from, but if she is trying to protect herself with money, so should you.
In short, $50k is a DEAL!
So basically, it’s 50/50 until it is supposed to be?
For her sake, I hope she isn’t pregnant.
For the people suggesting she put the baby in daycare asap and go back to work, staying home with the baby isn’t just for the people who can’t afford daycare. It’s time to bond with the baby, establish a healthy routine, and get to experience some of the firsts. That’s why companies give maternity leave. Having a child is a very emotional experience and most women who go back to work too soon end up getting distraught.
The problem is that no relationship is ever 50/50. It would be a rarity that two spouses would have the exact same income, do all chores equally, etc. By looking at the relationship as a 50/50 arrangement someone is always going to feel short changed. Committed partners should not be wanting things to be equal or one-half of a whole. If they look at their relationship as being all in no matter what your contribution is. The relationship if going to be continually in trouble anytime one earns more or does less in some ones opinion. It still seems like there are two separate lives going on here. There is no investment in the relationship by being all in and having one common goal for the family. But if you are not interested in fixing the big problem that had created this year long problem, then there are some solutions. You could pay her what she asks for. You could let her stay home for 6 months and then you stay home for 6 months. You could pay for 100% of all expenses and share equally any excess you have each month equally with her for the year. Or you could decide to go all in. Get a joint account. Start sharing finances fully. Come up with a financial plan for your new family and what you will do in the event the relationship fails.
I can’t believe the selfish comments here. Why should this woman be paid to have his kid when they are together? She should not be a mom. I’d run like the wind.
What kind of relationship is this? my former work contract was not even this calculative. Since when does LOVE become this pathetic? Compromise. love. care. communicate. Both of them are at fault. This relationship will not last, for sure, especially if they are bringing a baby to this world.
Only the 2 of them can decide what to do ?certainly ensure you dont go produce kids who later on may regret coming into the world of challenges beyond…….