I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Hold Back From Texting You

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I’ve come to the realization that the only way I can possibly know these things is that I break my rules. I need to talk to you. I need to text you. I need you.

You don’t know much I hurt on the inside. There is this urge inside of me that I keep trying to ignore. There is a fire inside of me that I just can’t seem to put out. There is a rage within me that I am trying terribly hard to contain. I really want to talk to you, you can’t even imagine. Every single part of me aches to make contact with you. I badly want to talk with you about anything and everything under the sun. I want to call you. I want to text you. I want to hear your voice. I want to take a peek inside your mind. I want to just get lost in the words that you choose to dispel from your mouth. But the one thing that I want the most: I want to stop being the one who always tries so hard.

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I want to stop being the one who keeps on waiting. I want to stop being the one who is always left hanging. I can’t keep on being the person who follows you around waiting for you to feed me with scraps. I have to stop being the person who is hopelessly devoted to someone who wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I just can’t keep on being the person whose heart always breaks while you always emerge unscathed.

I have come to this resolution for myself. I have to start respecting myself more, and even though it’s going to be hard for me, I know that this is what I have to do. I have set some rules for myself, and I am confident that I will be able to fulfill them. I am going to be hard on myself. I will be strict because I know that this is only for my own good. I will delete your name from my phone’s contact list. I will not seek you out on social media. I will not read through our old message threads and reminisce about the times that were. I will no longer daydream about you. I will try my best to block you from my mind and I will try my best to keep myself distracted. I will train my thoughts to never linger on the remnants that you left behind. I will make sure to keep focused on the future and the possibilities of happiness that come my way. You will no longer be the only source of hope in my life.– Continue reading on the next page

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But the fact of the matter is that I’m weak, and my rules are meaningless. These are rules that I’ve decided must be broken. I should be moving on and getting over. I should be expanding my horizons and looking forward to better things for myself. But somehow, I can never picture a happy future that doesn’t have you in it. Has it come to a point where you really are going to be my only source of hope and happiness? Why can I not imagine a future wherein I am happy without you? Why is my own personal happiness dependent on whether or not you are present in my life?

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Even when I’m sleeping, I still can’t manage to escape you. You have this uncanny power to take over my mind both at conscious and unconscious states. You are on my mind even when I’m merely running on autopilot. Somehow my thoughts tend to hover over you even when I don’t will it to.

My will is weak and I am damaged. I don’t know how long I can possibly keep this charade up. I want to text you again. I want to call you again. I just NEED to know what you’re up to. I want to know if you feel the same way that I’m feeling. I want to know if your heart hurts the same way mine is. I need to know if you experience the kind of torment that I am forced to bear on a daily basis because of you. I want to know if I’ve left a gap in your life when we stopped being together. I want to know if you’ve managed to fill that gap with someone else. Lastly, I want to know if there’s still some room in that gap for me.

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I don’t want you to forget me at all. I want you to realize that I am an important aspect of your life and that you are actually incomplete without me. I want to know that I constantly linger on your mind the way that you do on mine. I need to know if you are aching in the same way that I am every second that we’re apart. I want to know if you still keep memories and images of me lodged up in your mind somewhere.

I’ve also come to the realization that the only way I can possibly know these things is that I break my rules. I need to talk to you. I need to text you. I need you.

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