I Don’t Want To Let You Go, But I Need To

But here we are. Two souls living separate lives. Forever just wasn’t in the cards for us.

It’s like I can’t seem to get rid of you. Everywhere I turn, every thought that runs through my mind, it somehow always involves you somehow. I keep seeing you late at night as I close my eyes right before I drift off into dream land. I keep seeing you in the pages of poems that I write over and over again to myself. I see you in the faces of the people I interact with on a daily basis. I see you sitting at the table of that coffee shop where we used to have our dates before. 

You just seem to keep on playing an important part of my life even though you’re gone. You just always seem to manifest yourself in my life even when I don’t expect you to. You are still there playing games with my heart in ways that no one else ever could. But somehow, I think the image of you is blurring a little bit. I think you’re starting to vanish from my life a little bit. And it’s just about time.  I think, for the moment, I have some space to catch my breath again. For the longest time, I thought I would never get to regulate my breathing anymore. I thought that I would never be able to get my heart rate back to normal. I just could never grow to accept that you and I ended up closing things off. I just couldn’t understand where things went wrong between us.

I thought that what we had was real. I thought that what we had would be enough to pull us through. I thought that you and I were going to be together forever.  But here we are. Two souls living separate lives. Forever just wasn’t in the cards for us.  But I don’t doubt that what we had was something that was worth holding on to. I know for a fact that what we had wasn’t something that you could find just everywhere else. I will carry our relationship within my memory until the day that I die. But I also recognize that what we had will only remain a memory. It’s done and over with. It’s not something that I could ever replicate in reality ever again. I refused to accept it for the longest time. I refused to believe it.

I just refused to accept that the universe didn’t want for us to be together. I just refused to accept that the fates had a different plan for us.  Perhaps all that I really needed was time. Maybe all I needed was the space for me to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Maybe I just needed a better perspective on things. Maybe I needed all of that time to really come to terms with  the fact that you and I are no longer a thing and will never be again. Maybe I needed to shed all of those tears. Maybe I needed to write all of those crappy poems about heartbreak. Maybe I just needed to experience the sadness for myself to really accept what has become of us.

But I’m at that stage now where I’m just learning to accept everything that is happening to me. I have learned to be okay with everything that has happened in my life. This is something that it took me so long to really master. I was living in a delusional state, but I’m okay now.  I’m probably never going to encounter you in my life ever again. We live in completely different worlds now. We are completely different people now from when we first got together. We are even completely different now from when we decided to end things when you chose to leave, I should say. And that’s probably what has helped me accept the sad reality that we’re over.

That’s probably what propelled me to get over the hump. Since we’re completely different people now, you’re probably not the same person I fell in love with. That person is long gone and I shouldn’t be grieving over it anymore. I should be moving on with my life. It’s what I need to do for myself.  So while it has been a long and difficult journey, it has been a necessary one. All of the struggles that I had to go through were important. I needed to experience everything that I experienced because I wouldn’t be where I am now if it weren’t for all the hardships. I wouldn’t be able to go where I need to go if it weren’t for all the sadness. So while it’s hard for me to let you go it’s really something that I need to do. I don’t want to do it- but I need to do it for myself.

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