I Hope You Don’t Cause Me Any Pain

I’m practically down on my knees asking you to not cause me any pain.

So you have plans of falling in love with me? And you also expect me to fall in love with you as well? That’s great. I look forward to the love story that we’re going to share. But before we get started, there are a few things that you should know. I want to come clean about how I feel about this whole relationship situation. I want you to know where I stand on love. It would be great if we had the kind of love that’s full of laughter and smiles. It would be great if we had the kind of love that was filled with countless precious memories. But none of that is going to matter if you’re going to end up causing me pain. So that’s my only request for you. I hope you don’t cause me any pain. 

I’m practically down on my knees asking you to not cause me any pain. Now don’t get me wrong. You can count on me to be one tough cookie. I’m a very strong woman and I can stand on my own two feet. In fact, I’m fairly confident that I intimidate a lot of people with my strength and my firmness. I always try my best to exude an aura of strength and self-assuredness that is rare to find in a lot of girls these days. I always try my best to act like I’m independent and that I don’t need anyone else’s validation to let me know of my own self-worth.

But I’m going to make a confession to you right now. I’m going to tell you something that I would never admit to anyone else. I have a very fragile ego and I am highly sensitive. 

I hope you can understand that every single attempt that I have made on love has ended up in me getting hurt and disappointed. Every time I fell in love, it never turned out to be anything real or worth building on. Many relationships have left me in tears and I have been emotionally vulnerable plenty of times in my life. But of course, I never let my exes know just how much they affected me. I tried my best to act like I had a stone heart that no one could possibly penetrate. But the truth is that I spent many sleepless nights trying to console myself about losing love. I can’t count how many times I just broke down in private thinking about all of my friends who have managed to find love for themselves while I was left to wallow in my own loneliness. The pain always manages to find a way back into my system no matter how hard I try to shut it out. I just want so much for someone to run up to me and transfer all of their positive energy into me with a hug. I just want a shoulder to cry on sometimes. But the worst feeling of it all is whenever I believe my own worthlessness. I hate it whenever I start thinking about how just maybe, I’m not good enough to be in a loving relationship. Maybe I’m not good enough to be deserving of someone’s love. Maybe that’s why a lot of people end up hurting me in the end; perhaps I’m just not fit for love no matter how much I want to be. I hated how I could never be worth a person’s effort. I hated how I could never be good enough for someone to say I’m willing to fight for you, whatever it takes.

I hated the feeling of knowing that love continued to elude me no matter how hard I tried.

So I’m hoping this is painting a better picture for you as far as my personality is concerned. I hope that you can somehow be sensitive of what I’m really feeling inside. I hope that you would be mindful of how your words and actions could potentially affect me. I may look like a rock on the outside, but inside, I am a stack of wobbly bricks just ready to collapse. I won’t necessarily trust you right away and I hope you are patient enough to earn my trust. I am not going to show my gratitude or appreciation for everything that you do and I hope that you will be able to bear with me. I will not be able to open myself up to you so quickly and I hope that you can genuinely understand why that is so.

But most of all, I hope that you don’t judge me based solely on what you see. I am so much more than what I look like. Deep inside of this rough and rugged exterior beats a very fragile heart that has been wounded many times over. I hope you learn to take care of it.

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