I Stopped Going After You, But I Never Stopped Wanting You

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I was the one who made the first move. I was the one who sent the first text message. I was the one who really put in the initial effort. I made it a point to try to engage every single one of your social media posts at the risk of looking like a fool to you. I tried to back off a little bit when I felt like it seemed a little desperate of me. But I couldn’t help it. You were always so pretty. You were so beautiful; I was absolutely smitten and I just couldn’t help myself.

I showered you with so many compliments; words that I had never uttered to anyone else in my life. I always made it a point to look my absolute best whenever I knew that I would be seeing you. I always tried to invite you to hang out on the weekends; to see if you were ever free. I always told you that I felt lonely and sad whenever we weren’t together; that I missed you whenever you weren’t around. I did my absolute space to carve out room in my life for you; but it seemed like you were unwilling to do the same. It seem like I had no more room in your heart. And that just broke me.

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You ignored so many of my text messages. You left so many phone calls unanswered. You were so hot and cold with me to the point that you were sending me so many mixed signals. I still tried my best to push forward. I still thought that I had a shot at getting you to be consistent with me. I knew it was a long shot. I knew that the chances were slim. But you were still a risk that I was willing to take. I was willing to put myself through the hell and the torment that you were putting me through just because I knew that if you ever answered my efforts, it would all be totally worth it. However, you just kept on disappointing me at every turn. You were always failing to live up to all expectations at every opportunity. You did me wrong so many times – and I always found a way to convince my heart to forgive you. I gave you so many chances to make things up to me but you just never came through. And yet, even after every disappointment, I still put myself out there for you. Even after every rejection, I still wanted to do my best to make myself available to you.

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I was going after you with a reckless abandon. I somehow convinced myself to think that you were eventually going to budge if I just stayed persistent. I thought that you merely needed a little nudging. I thought that I would somehow be able to convince you that it would be a good idea for you to fall in love with me. I thought that you were genuinely considering the idea of allowing me to be the man you would spend the rest of your life with. I somehow thought that all I needed to do was put a little more effort into it and eventually, you would be my girl. I was confident that one day, you and I would eventually be together and I would gain everything that I could have ever wanted in love and life. I thought that we were only a few steps away from becoming the best love story ever told – and I was so wrong.

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I thought that I was doing the right thing by staying relentless; by working as hard as I could to win your affections. I thought that persistence was really the key. All I wanted to do was be around you and spend time with you. All I wanted was for you to give me the kind of attention that I was so ready to give to you. I just couldn’t stop myself from wanting to win you over. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to shower you with all of my adoration and praise. But then it also got to the point wherein I realized that I was getting tired of chasing an impossible dream.

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It was as if I was climbing a mountain that had no summit. It was like swimming into shark-infested waters with no shore in sight. It was an unwindable situation and the more work I put into it, the more depressed I become. I got discouraged. And ultimately, I realized that I needed to stop chasing after you. I needed to stop tiring myself out. I needed to save face and just salvage whatever was left of my dignity. Did I ever stop loving you? No. I merely let go of the fantasy of you and me ever being together.

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