After all this time? Always.
As I am thinking these thoughts that I am about to put out there into the universe with words that flow through my fingers, I stand under a limitless sky engulfed only by the faint lights of dying stars. The darkness is intimidating; it’s overwhelming and my eyes scrap for any semblance of light and color in the world. I feel the cold night breeze blow through my face and I struggle to stifle a shudder. There have been very few moments in my life wherein I felt as helpless and lonely as I do at this exact moment. In fact, the vivid thought of a lonelier space in time continues to escape my mind. I look down the road and I try to imagine the world that you’re in at this time. What are you doing right now? What are you looking at? What thoughts are running through your head? Do you have a heavy heart like mine? Are you thinking of me the way that I’m thinking of you? It’s strange how when everything else goes quiet in my world, it’s only you that remains. It’s like the rest of the world just drowns in some kind of white noise but you are there standing perfectly upright in the middle of it all. It’s like even though the entire world has gone down, you persisted in your presence and prominence.
I understand that this is an unhealthy practice of mine. I know that you shouldn’t be playing such a huge role in my life anymore. I know that it would be best for me to just shut you out from my mind completely so as to preserve my own personal sanity; my own personal dignity. But tonight is a special night. Tonight is the night that I allow myself to be weak. Tonight is a night wherein vulnerability and self-depreciation will be welcomed with open arms. On this particular night, I will let you break through my walls the same way that you used to so many times before. I will let you penetrate the deepest depths of my soul with those tantalizing eyes that used to haunt all of my days. Tonight I will allow myself to be human. I will let sadness overcome my soul and I won’t do anything to stop it. On this most auspicious of nights, I will let myself drown in my own sorrows. I am going to linger in the depths of your absence. I am going to shut myself in the hole that you have left in my fragile heart. Every single time I shut my eyes, it’s your face that I see. And every single time, I open them again, the tears just flow like a river. – Continue reading on the next page
There is absolutely no denying that in my mind, you are still that guy. You are still the one. I will not comfort myself with a lie. That’s the coward’s way out. I am no coward. I am very much willing to confront the truth. I can face my feelings with no hesitation and with very little fear. I will not hide from the truth any longer and the truth is this: I don’t hate you. I really can’t find any excuse to not be with you. I find myself incapable of imagining a life wherein I don’t want you in it. I can’t just keep going on as if everything is okay and that you are just a mere chapter in the book of my life. I want you to be the entire story. I want you to be my leading person. I can’t resign myself into believing the fabrications that they are forcing me to accept. You are still a big part of who I am and there’s just no denying it. I can’t overlook you the way that people are telling me I should. I just can’t choose to not acknowledge your importance in my life.
I look for you in everyone that I meet. I try to measure them against how you used to be in my life, and they never live up to it. I try to force myself into believing that they have what it takes to right all the wrongs in my life. I try to forcibly tell myself that you are expendable and that there are millions of others who are better than you. But no matter how hard I try, it just never seems to be the case. You still always manage to shine above all others. You are just a cut above the rest and I can’t deny it any longer. I think the sooner I can come to terms with the truth, the sooner I can learn how to get over it. I’m not even sure if I can get over it at all.
It’s a very vulnerable time for me right now, and that’s essentially your doing. I’m only ever vulnerable because of you and there’s nothing I can do about it. For now, I will let myself be vulnerable.
I will let you rule over my life as you always do as if I even have a choice not to.