I Stopped Blaming Myself For Your Inability To Love Me
Take note that I have given up on you, but I haven’t necessarily given up on love.
I have stoppedlooking in the mirror in efforts to seek out the problem. I have stoppedcriticizing myself; picking apart every single flaw that exists within me. Ihave stopped lowballing my sense of self-worth. My self-esteem is no longerunder attack and my confidence is no longer weak. I have stopped trying tofigure out what it is about my appearance that repels you. I have stoppedtelling myself that I’m never going to be good enough for anything because ofall my imperfections. I have stopped setting the bar too high for myself withthe knowledge that I am perfectly fine standing where I am at. I will no longersubscribe to the idea that I am not deserving of love or of nice things becauseI know that is a lie. I know that I am an imperfect being but I no longer letthat knowledge consume me. I let it motivate me to become the best possibleversion of myself because it’s what I want; not necessarily what other peoplewant or expect from me.
I have stoppedlooking at the pictures of all your previous flames. I have stopped trying towin this silent competition that we used to play. I stopped trying to get aheadof them in your eyes because I know that this is just a game that doesn’treally matter in the grand scheme of things. I stopped wishing my hair wouldlook a certain way or that my body would conform to your personal standards. Istopped trying to act like I was interested in things that I wasn’t reallyinterested in. I have stopped trying to change the way I talk, the way I dress,the way I walk just to please you. I stopped trying so hard to be a personother than who I really am. All of the time that I will continue to be blessedwith in my life will be devoted to me and me alone. I will no longer waste mytime trying to become a person that I’m just not meant to be; a person that Idon’t really want to become. My time is precious and only the most precious ofpeople will be allowed to share it with me.
I have managedto remove my love goggles and now I see you for who you really are. I no longerthink of you as a Greek god who has been sent on this earth to satisfy mypassions and pleasures. I no longer see you as a perfect being who is virtuallyincapable of committing any faults. I was blind, but now I see. I see the toxicand despicable human being that you are; the manipulative boy who tried so hardto make me believe that I was never good enough. I took all of the emotionalabuse that I suffered at your hands and I told myself that I would have none ofit anymore. I finally managed to see that what we had wasn’t love and that whatI felt was mere misplaced adoration for someone undeserving of it. I stoppedbeing the only person in the relationship who was putting in all the work. Iwas the only one who was bending over backwards trying to make sure that youwere comfortable, happy, and at ease. But it never seemed like you were doingthe same for me and I just got fed up. I no longer allowed myself to play therole of the victim. In this new part of my life’s story, I will be the heroine,and you will be but a footnote on my life’s great works.
Despiteeverything that you did to me, I still believed in the concept of eternal love.I still believed in finding that one person who would still make livingworthwhile. I still believed in the feeling of having someone who could bringcolor and light into the gloomiest and darkest of days. I understand now thatlove doesn’t necessarily mean I have to constantly be experiencing heartbreak.Love doesn’t mean that I have to be constantly in tears. Love should only meancomfort. Love should mean stability. Love should mean acceptance. And these arethings that I never got from you, but I will get them from another person. Forthe meantime, I am perfectly fine with being myself. I am perfectly okay with thelove that I have to devote to my being.
Take note that Ihave given up on you, but I haven’t necessarily given up on love. Yes, theright guy will come along one day and make me feel all the butterflies that youonce managed to make me feel. But this time, it will be different. This time itwill be real. I will no longer have to be the only one making all the effort inthe relationship. I will no longer find myself questioning my self-worth. Iwill no longer second-guess whether or not I am deserving of the love that I amgetting.
One day, the guy will come along and he will manage to relieve all myanxieties. He will give me my comfort. He will make me feel accepted. He willlove me the way that you never did.