I Wish I Could Have Done More For You

I was willing to give you everything I had and that still probably wouldn’t have been enough.

There was a time where I think I was doing just enough for you. I can’t exactly put a finger on what it was about what I was doing that did it for you. I don’t know what I did that was able to convince you actually take a chance on me to fall in love with me. I just know that I was doing something right and that we were great together. I fell in love you with you and you fell in love with me too. Things were going splendidly. I couldn’t have felt any better. I thought you were feeling the same way. I knew that you felt the same way. I was confident that I was doing everything right because you were still by my side. And then suddenly, you just weren’t anymore.

And then I was left to wonder what I could have done to stop you from leaving. I was left to wonder what else I could have possibly done to make you want to stay with me. It hurt and confused me to know that I wasn’t doing enough for you anymore. It hurt me to know that I was failing in our relationship that I wasn’t a person who was worth being with anymore. It killed me inside to know that I just wasn’t doing enough to keep you in my life, and now you’re gone.

But now as I look back at that entire ordeal, I no longer think the same way. I know that I was doing enough to keep you in my life. I know that I was doing enough to let you know that you were loved. I knew that I was doing enough to make sure that you always felt pampered and cared for. I knew that I was putting so much effort into trying to make our relationship work. But you still chose to walk out on me. Perhaps you were the one who was lacking. Perhaps you were the one who failed perhaps you were the one who just couldn’t find the strength and courage to communicate your needs and expectations to me. Perhaps you just took me for granted and you failed to notice just how good to you I was. Maybe you were oblivious to just how much I was doing for you because you saw it as normal behavior even though it took extraordinary effort on my part.

And it’s really not fair that I’m the one who has to bear the blunt difficulties of the present. I’m the one who has to deal with all the self-doubt and second-guessing that I’ve bestowed on myself. I’m the one who has so many questions that are just left unanswered at this point. I’m the one who has to keep on wondering about the possibilities the could have been aspects of our relationship. I’m the one who has to keep thinking about all the things I could have done better to keep you in my life. And you’re not even here anymore; but I’m still killing myself trying to make sense of this mess that you chose to leave behind. The absolute hardest part of it all is thinking about why why even after everything that I did for you, it still wasn’t enough.

Of course you didn’t leave completely out of the blue. Of course you had to put in a really vague statement before you left. You told me that it wasn’t my fault and that you were the one who needed a change. You said that it was just something that you needed to do for yourself and that it had nothing to do with me. But you’re wrong. It had everything to do with me. You needed a change because I was no longer cutting it for you. You wanted to be with someone new because I was no longer making you feel the things that you wanted to be feeling. You wanted to be with someone new because I was no longer making you experience the happiness that you wanted for yourself. And so you left me. But I’m still here wondering: even after everything I gave you, you still weren’t happy. What could I possibly have done better to make you happier with me?

I was willing to give you everything I had and that still probably wouldn’t have been enough. And I have to think if that means that I’m the problem or if you are the one who is causing all this mess. But either way, I really wish I could have done more for you. But I just couldn’t. I did my best and my best wasn’t good enough. Even the best version of myself wouldn’t be enough for you and I think that’s what really hurts the most.

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