Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am frightened of a future without you. But cutting you out of my life completely is much easier than having to bear the sadness of having you in my life as just a friend.
Over the course of our relationship, or whatever you choose to call it, I have been slowly building up a few ideas in my head. These ideas have led me to this dreadful and unfortunate realization: I love exactly where we are and what we have at this very moment, but you don’t feel the same way. I guess I’ve always known it since the start, but it took me some time to build up the courage to come to terms with the fact that you and I aren’t operating on the same wavelengths. You and I aren’t exactly sharing similar perspectives on the dynamics of whatever is going on between us; and it breaks my heart on a daily basis.
It was evident whenever I used to drop you off at your house. We would have the radio on full blast, and we would be belting out our favorite tunes to the best of our abilities. My heart was full and my smile was its widest during those moments. I knew in that moment, that a kiss was imminent. I knew in my heart that this was the night I would finally get to taste those beautiful lips of yours. So when we finally reached your place and I placed the car in neutral, I looked up at you with only one thing in mind. Unfortunately, when my eyes met yours, I could tell right away that you weren’t thinking about what I was thinking about. My heart shattered into a million pieces in a matter of milliseconds. I forced a smile and salvaged whatever was left of my pride by greeting you a good night. I had overplayed the scenario in my head once again. I sensationalized reality to the point where it never met my expectations. I was too far into my own fictional fantasies of what we were, I ended up getting blindsided by the truth of the moment.– Continue reading on the next page
As I replay the entire night we spent together in my head, I just can’t help but wonder why we aren’t anything more than we really are. Why do we never seem to escape the level of friendship that I feel like has long been drawn out? I don’t treat my other friends the way that I treat you. I never get to experience the kind of intimacy that I have with my friends who aren’t you. The way you and I spend our time together is exactly everything I could ever want out of a romantic relationship; and so it begs to ask the question: why aren’t we a couple? I don’t spend hours on end in a bookstore with my other friends, talking about which writers are able to speak into our souls. I don’t spend prolonged moments of silence together with my friends just leafing through pages of books. I don’t make an effort to learn new recipes and prepare masterful feasts for my friends on the weekends. I don’t take random trips to the ice cream parlor with my friends during the oddest hours of the day just to satisfy a craving. And yet, I do all these things with you, and you only consider us to be friends. It continues to baffle me. I must be missing something here, right?
Friends aren’t typically comfortable with leaning in so close that they’re practically touching each other without the physical contact. Friends don’t hold hands when they’re walking the sidewalks of their neighborhoods at 3 in the morning. Friends don’t express any forms of almost-intimacy and act like it’s nothing. Or maybe perhaps friends do that, and I just missed the memo. In any case, my perceptions of what we are and what we are supposed to be are incredibly skewed.
I hope that you don’t take this the wrong way, but it would be best if you just stopped doing what you’re doing. You may have the best intentions, or you may not, but for the sake of my own personal sanity, please stop this now. It’s not because I don’t enjoy your company. It’s not because you don’t bring a genuine smile to my face whenever we’re together. It’s not because I don’t find comfort in your warm embrace. It’s only because you lead me to imagine things that are far removed from reality. You blindside me with all your intimate gestures, and you make me think of grand impossibilities that only result in disappointment. You hype up my expectations and you tear them down simultaneously. I know that what I’m asking may seem very unreasonable. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be your fault. But all I know is that it’s what I need for us to do in this very moment. If you find yourself incapable of seeing us the way that I see us, it’s better for us to stop what we’re doing. My heart is breaking over and over again as a result of our non-relationship, and I don’t think I can take it any longer. You may forever taint my idea of love and romance, and I don’t want to end up resenting you for it.
Yes, I am scared. Yes, I am frightened of a future without you. But cutting you out of my life completely is much easier than having to bear the sadness of having you in my life as just a friend.
