I can’t even keep count of the many times and ways that I lost myself in my love for you. I was just there waiting for you to love me the way that I wanted to be loved. I was waiting for you to actually throw me a bone and show me that I was deserving of your love. It took me so long to realize that it was all for nothing and that I was merely waiting in vain.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw someone I didn’t recognize. This complete stranger was staring back at me. I saw how this person no longer smiled the way that I used to. I saw that this reflection carried the pain and sorrow of a broken heart that never used to be there. I saw eyes that were weary and tired from all the crying and weeping. I saw a face that I no longer recognized even though I knew that I was looking at myself.
I realized that I was killing myself and destroying my soul in an effort to get you to love me. But I was losing. I realized that I had to let you go but I couldn’t just bring myself to do so. I tried my best to make sense of what I was seeing. I was only standing in front of the mirror for a few seconds but it felt like an absolute eternity.
I was questioning myself whether it was still worth it to try and carry on this way. I was wondering whether I had anything else left to give. I was hoping that perhaps you would eventually learn to love me one day so as long as I waited for you. I was wishing that somehow all of my efforts and my sufferings would eventually pay off and that you would finally grow to love me the way that I wanted to be loved.
But I failed to see that I was killing myself in that process. I realized that I was getting so much of myself go for the sake of something that would never materialize in my life. I realized that all of the heartaches that that entire situation was wreaking upon my life would be irreparable and irrevocable.
And at this point, I no longer blame you for anything. I realized that it also came to a point where it stopped being your fault. I had to own up to my mistakes as well. I now realize that you can’t really force someone to love you the way that you want to be loved. It doesn’t matter how much effort you put into it. Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be. Sometimes, things just don’t pan out the way that you want them to. And that’s okay.
That is precisely the reason why I decided to just stop waiting for you. That’s why I decided to just completely give up on all my hopes and dreams that revolved around being with you. I realized that I had been compromising so many other aspects of my life for you and it just wasn’t worth it. I realized that I was causing myself so much pain just to try to get you to notice me. And it wasn’t helping. It was all for nothing.
That doesn’t invalidate the love that I had for you. I really did love you. I just didn’t realize at that time that you can’t love a person so much to the point that they feel compelled to love you in return. Love just didn’t work that way. I realized that I had failed at making you mine and that I would never succeed at doing so.
But more than anything, it really helped to tell myself that someone would be out there waiting for me. I just told myself that eventually, I would find the perfect person to be with and that would just make everything worthwhile. I accepted that even though I would never find happiness with you doesn’t mean that I would never find it in someone else. I still held on to the belief that I was deserving of love – just not love with you. And that’s okay. I’m really okay with that.
I now understand. I get it. We were just never meant to be. We weren’t cut out for one another no matter how much I wanted that to be the case. That’s fine. No hard feelings. No grudges. No contempt.
It doesn’t hurt so much anymore now that I finally get it. It took me a while to get to where I am now but at least I got here eventually. And I am happy to say that I’m finally healing. I no longer feel hurt. I no longer feel pain.
