The is that I still think about you throughout random points of the day. Even when I least expect it, the thought of you just suddenly comes running through my mind. The truth is that I can’t seem to block you out of my head no matter how hard I try. I distract myself by obsessing over my work, but then there you still are – like a fly that keeps buzzing around my life; just refusing to leave. You’re on my mind even during the most mundane moments of my day; when I’m showering, when I’m putting my makeup on, when I’m eating my lunch. You’re there. And I so desperately want to get you out of my mind on a more permanent basis. But I know that I can’t.
I’m probably still in love with you. I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve grown to accept it. I’ve learned that the more I try to deny how I feel, the harder it will be for me to get rid of them. So I’m confronting my own emotions. I’m trying to be brave enough to acknowledge the fact that I’m weak and I still need you to be here with me for me to be happy. But I also know that this is temporary. I know that in time, I’m going to be better and I won’t need your help to do it. I know that I’m eventually going to heal; and I need to have the right kind of mindset if that is ever going to happen. I’m trying to envision and create a world for myself where I can be happy; a world that doesn’t depend on having you in it.
I will be honest and say that there used to be times wherein I would cry myself to sleep because of you. I would go to sleep with you on my mind and I’d end up having dreams about you. Some of them were good – wherein you and I managed to work things out and we stayed together. But most of them were bad – wherein they just reminded me of my reality and how I couldn’t even escape the pain that I was feeling in my dreams. And I hated my mind for doing that to itself. I hated my heart for not being strong enough to break away from you.
Even at this moment of writing, there are still a few times wherein I am tempted to just type out a quick text message asking you how you are. There a few times wherein I get a simple win in life and I automatically want to text you about it but then I have to restrain myself from doing so. There have been so many moments in my life where I wished I could have shared it with you – and that took away from me being able to enjoy the moment on my own.
I miss you quite terribly and I’m not even going to deny it. I am desperate to have you back into my life even though I’ve practically accepted the impossibility of such a scenario. I know that I’ve lost you forever but I console myself by thinking that I’m always going to have our dreams and our memories together. I’m always going to have that short time that we spent as a couple and nothing is going to be able to take that away from me.
I still wish that you cared about me now just as much as you cared for me back then. I still crave for your love right now; the same kind of love that you used to give me on a daily basis back when we were still together. But I’m also starting to realize that perhaps you didn’t care for me as much as I thought you did. Perhaps you didn’t love me the way that I wanted you to. And perhaps you didn’t really prioritize me the way that you should have. Otherwise, we would still be together right now. Because I know that I did my part. I know that I focused all of my energy on you. I know that I did whatever it took to keep our relationship afloat; to keep us together. Maybe it was you. It was your complacency that drove us apart. It was your unwillingness to act that really hurt me. It was your incapability to love me the way that I needed to be loved that ultimately doomed our relationship. And it hurt me back then – but it still hurts me even now.
So I’m trying to love myself more now. I’m trying to love myself in an attempt to heal the wounds that you inflicted. I’m trying to love myself in ways that you never could.
