You want to sleep, but your heart doesn’t.
You’re not an insomniac. Your sleep deprivation isn’t caused by chemical imbalances in your body. There are no scientific explanations as to why you can’t sleep at night. It’s all emotional. It’s all because of the battle that is taking place within your body. It’s a war that is raging on between your heart and your mind. You just happen to be the only casualty. You are collateral damage with this battle and you are losing sleep over it. You don’t know what to do and you’re left to toss and turn every night. Your heart wants what your brain is warning you against. So you’re left helpless. You are forced to choose. You have to pick a side but you don’t know which choice is going to benefit you in the long run. You are deeply disoriented. You don’t know what to make of this situation. You don’t know which way to take. You are stuck in a crossroads. You feel the pressures of the universe; compelling you to choose a side. It’s forcing you to make a choice and to stick with it. That is why you can’t sleep at night. That is why you can’t seem to put your heart and your mind at rest.
This is what your head is telling you: it’s telling you that you have been in this position before and you only ended up having pain and heartache to show for it. You got your hopes up in the past and you ended up paying dearly for it. You allowed yourself to be led on by someone before and he didn’t turn out to be the guy that you thought he was. You allowed yourself to become vulnerable and open to pain. You opened yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You took the risk and it didn’t pay off. You took a leap of faith but you fell and you fell hard. Your head is telling you that you have no one but yourself to blame for allowing yourself to be put in that situation in the first place. You can’t point the fingers to anyone else. Your head is telling you that this is your chance to redeem yourself. This is your chance to prove that you’re not a fool and that you aren’t susceptible to the manipulation of others. Your head is telling you to walk away from anything that threatens your emotional and mental well-being. Your head is telling you to be less trusting because trust is what got you into trouble in the past. Your head is telling you to quit while you’re ahead.
But of course your heart is singing a different song. It’s in conflict with your mind. It’s telling you the complete opposite of what your head is saying. Your heart is saying that just because you got hurt in the past doesn’t mean that you’re going to get hurt again. Your heart is telling you that not all men are like the one who broke your heart in the past. Your heart is telling you not to generalize; to jump to unreasonable conclusions. Your heart is telling you to not lose your hope in love and in life. It is trying to convince you to take that leap of faith. It is telling you that love is always going to be worth the risk; that it’s better to have love and failed than to never have loved at all. Your heart is telling you that the only way for you to achieve real happiness and fulfilment is if you continue to let love into your life. Your heart is telling you that by allowing yourself to be paralyzed by the fear of pain, you are essentially letting the person who broke your heart win. You are allowing yourself to become the loser of your own life. You are succumbing to your own defeat. Your heart is telling you that the very fact that you’re still here is proof that you will be able to survive any potential heartbreak that might come your way. It’s trying to convince you that you shouldn’t be afraid of love.
At the end of the day, you are left with a very difficult choice to make and that’s why you have trouble sleeping at night. Both your heart and your mind are giving very compelling arguments and you don’t know which one you should believe. But ultimately, you have to come to a decision and that decision must be one that you commit yourself to entirely. You can’t afford to be wishy washy. You must always make the choice that is best for you. You should always be the priority of your own life and you can’t expect to live to the standards that other people have set for you. You are the master of your own fate.