Perhaps you don’t need me as much as I need you to need me
This is probably one of the most emotionally challenging things that I am ever going to have to do in my lifetime. This is probably going to bog me down in ways that nothing else ever has or ever could. But I know that even though it’s going to be very difficult for me, I am really going to have to let you go. It’s what’s best for you. It’s what’s best for us. But most importantly, it’s what’s best for me. Right now, there’s nothing I want more than to just run to your side and drown myself in your embrace. I want you to stroke my hair and caress my face as you tell me that everything is going to turn out just fine.
I want you to whisper sweet nothings into my ear and tell me that my world isn’t about to crumble into nothing. But I know that I can’t do that. I know that we have to keep our space. I know we have to maintain our distance but it’s getting harder and harder for me as each day passes us by. I know that you always tried to teach me to be more independent and to be less clingy. You always wanted me to be my own person and stand my own ground. But it’s not as easy as it looks. And looking back now, I understand why you wanted to teach me those things. It’s because you struggled with them as well. You had trouble with being independent.
You had trouble dealing with your emotions but you didn’t want to have to ask for anyone’s help. You tried to be strong for yourself and I know you’re still struggling with that. And that’s why I really want to just run to you and hug you closely and tell you that you can rely on me. You can depend on me. You can count on me. But I won’t. I really want to be there for you as you try to endure this difficult trial. I want to give you a shoulder to cry on. I want to give you a boost that you need to move forward. I want to be able to just hug you tightly to let you know that you’re not alone. I’m sorry about that. It’s innate. It’s something that I can’t help.
I was always in the habit of helping you through whatever challenge you had to face. I was always in the business of trying to take the weight of the world off of your shoulders. I wanted so much for you to be free, happy, and secure. I want to be the one celebrating with you as you accomplish everything you set out to do in life. But I also want to be the one who is there for you when things don’t work out for the best. You may not really understand why, and that’s fine. I don’t either. I just know that it’s what I want. I hate being relegated to mere spectator in your life. I hate how I don’t have a role to play anymore.
I hate how I can’t just force myself into your life. But I’ve grown to accept. Or perhaps, I’m trying my best to accept it. Perhaps you don’t need me as much as I need you to need me. And that’s something I really have to come to terms with. So now, I’m making this difficult decision to just live a life for myself. I have to let you go. I have to be able to detach myself from you even though it seems like a near impossibility for me at the moment. But again, it’s something that I have to do. I was so engrossed in trying to love you and take care of you, I may have lost myself somewhere along the way. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about my well-being.
I was looking at you the whole time and I failed to look at myself in the mirror. I was too caught up in trying to fill in the gaps that were in your personality, I failed to notice that there was a void in me that I needed to address as well. So I hope you can forgive me for being selfish at this time. Or at the very least, I hope you understand why I have to really focus on myself. In all probability, you don’t care about what I’m doing now and I guess that’s for the best. I have to try my absolute hardest to just let you go because it’s what I need to do for myself. As much as I want to keep you in my life, it’s much better for me to just let you go. In order for me to be free for myself, I have to be free from you.