Divorce is a very real and raw part of life – marriages that can’t find common ground end up through divorce. When two people try hard enough to make things work, nothing can stop them.
But when one, or both, of the two, give up on the constant effort required for a happy marriage – things end, and they get separated to live their lives and try moving on with the lessons they’d learned from their marriage.
A person on Reddit, AdditionalCondition, asked for advice from the divorced people on Reddit. They posted their question on the Divorce subreddit, which stated:
“Why did you divorce/are getting divorced? Any advice for people who are still married?”
They also asked for advice:
“What advice would you give for those who are still married?”
Here are 20 of the top responses that have a lot to teach:
1. NLP_Onyx wrote about the importance of intimacy:
“Don’t let your spouse become just a friend that you’re living with. The marriage will begin to fall apart the moment that intimacy between you and your spouse goes away. We all have tons of friends, but not very many of them that we would like to live with for the rest of our lives.”
2. Jay_Heinz gave some sound advice:
“Cherish each other.”
“Once they leave, you usually don’t get another chance to be with that person the way you were.”
“Don’t make the other person feel like they are less than or unworthy of being around you or spending time with you.”
3. No_Agency5595 mentioned the importance of counseling:
“Always be willing to get couples counseling as issues arise. Go when things start to feel uncomfortable because if you sweep things under the rug long enough, the carpet can’t hide the pile anymore and it’s probably going to be too late.”
4. M*rderDocAndChill wrote from both perspectives and talked about lies:
“Understand that you both suffer. Nobody is the best to be with all the time. When you start thinking you have it worse, your relationship breeds contempt. Very hard to come back from that. Contempt makes people act in all sorts of out of character ways.”
“I’m getting divorced because my husband decided he would rather hide things from me than be honest. Little lies led to bigger and bigger lies. He had horrible boundaries with women which led to at least emotional if not physical cheating. He had this whole narrative in his head that because he had it “harder” in life, he could do shitty things to me to try and even the playing field. He had a physically demanding job so he DESERVED to go on vacation without me. The lies just eroded everything.”
5. urchinMelusina talked about being considerate and paying attention:
“Be considerate of your partner’s needs. Just because everything is comfortable and perfect for you, doesn’t necessarily your partner feels the same. Talk, communicate, PAY ATTENTION and make them a priority.”
6. Girlontheguys wrote about being best friends with intimacy:
“Be best friends, but flirt often. Communicate and be kind. I would still be in my marriage had we done this.”
7. THftRM1231 talks about being prepared and thinking before speaking:
“If you say ‘I want a divorce’ be prepared for the other person to take you at your word. I think my ex wanted to play a game. I know I’m happier without her.”
8. JohnnyMnemo shares a lot of top-notch advice:
“Never stop dating each other. Once you start taking each other for granted, then romance is dead and you become just roommates.”
“The other is–you should miss each other when you’re separated. If you start preferring your alone time, there’s a problem. You should enjoy being with the other person more than being apart, and if you don’t there’s an issue that you need to figure out.”
“Finally, the biggest: no one should be exclusive because you feel like you have to. Being exclusive with your partner should be want you each want to do on your own, because it’s important to you. If you feel like you’ve been compelled into it, then you’re not ready to be partnered. You’re still seeking. Even if you stop because society has conditioned you to it, you will never fully accept that and will ultimately rebel against it. Become exclusive and monogamous only when you literally don’t think you could do better than your partner, and don’t let yourself forget it.”
9. ThinkingofGoing shares about being cheated on:
“I decided to divorce because of infidelity, lying, and general lack of respect for me. He chose to look outside the marriage for emotional validation and basically just did and said what he thought I wanted to hear. He wasn’t invested anymore, even our last marriage counsellor saw it.”
“My advice is to understand that a good relationship takes work, and every day you have to choose to invest in it. Don’t take it for granted. If your partner is no longer choosing you, actively choosing you, then you need to do what’s best for you.”
10. prettykitty143 talks about the importance of respect:
“I filed for divorce/ divorced, because I wanted my ex to respect me and pick our life. It’s a long story, but, that’s the truth of the matter. I wanted him to make the choice of our marriage and our family over his extramarital “journey” that was turning toxic.”
“My advice. Stay true, check-in, DATE, keep the TV out of the bedroom and have so much $ex! People like trees go through seasons… Not all of them are pretty. You made that vow for Better or Worse. However, do not disrespect yourself when you’re trying to respect your spouse. Ask yourself, ‘what would I tell my children to do in this situation, would I stand by quietly and allow this behavior to continue if “this” were someone I loved?'”
“~My answer was no, I absolutely would not. He chose his journey. Xxo”
11. weirdestweird speaks about validation:
“Remember to love them outside of their roles of spouse/partner, and parent. They are a human being who needs to be loved and validated.”
12. santana0987 talks about the importance of communication:
“Get your communication skills up to scratch BEFORE marriage. It’s incredible what a difference the right kind of communication makes in a marriage. In my first marriage, our communication was totally wrong and my ex wasn’t keen on learning with the help of a therapist how to communicate better. My current spouse is great at communicating needs/ feelings so our marriage, in spite of the normal ups and downs, is on a solid foundation. This marriage has already lasted longer than my last one 😁 and we both work very hard at making it a happy, positive union.”
13. pammyred shares how lack of intimacy leads to cheating:
“Dead bedroom. We both cheated…we looked to others because we obviously weren’t getting it from each other. We actually detested each other at the end. So sad”
14. capncupcake1104 talks about sharing responsibilities equally:
“I wanted a partner and spouse wanted a parent. Make sure neither of you is carrying the weight of responsibility in the relationship. Things need to be spread out amongst both partners so no one gets burnt out. I was the partner doing 99% and was exhausted all the time, emotionally and physically.”
15. MommyMcMomFace speaks about not taking anything for granted:
“Stay awake to your relationship as it changes and unfolds. Stay connected.”
“Don’t take for granted. Don’t avoid. Don’t assume.”
16. ojellavaras, too, speaks on the massive importance of open communication:
“Work on communication – the earlier the better. Try to never get complacent, and if you notice your partner is being complacent, address it. Don’t shoot down your spouses ideas – try to make them realistic and be supportive. Don’t introduce your mother early on in the relationship – she has a habit of getting way too involved (maybe that’s just me? lol). AND Lastly, think long and hard about the life you want for yourself and what your partner wants, do they align? Is there wiggle room? Address this shit early on or it will fester.”
17. smartygirl shares about the importance of listening:
“Listen to your partner. If they say they’re unhappy, believe them. Don’t waste years telling yourself ‘it’s not that bad’ if the status quo is making your partner unhappy. This sub is full of people who didn’t take their partner seriously until their partner filed for divorce.”
18. sakurakuran93 tells everyone to never stop caring:
“Do not stop caring about your person. They have feelings too. You might be too busy with work, stressed, depressed whatever, but the person who are married too has feelings too and they are valid. Ask them about their day, what they did, how was work. take them out for dinner, don’t end up being two roommates sharing a house. Dont stop trying basically once you settle in a routine.”
19. AttemptCompetitive56 talks about not talking bad about your partner behind their back:
“Don’t talk bad about your spouse to others. The moment you start doing this, there is no way back.”
20. AnxiousReputation247 talks about being honest:
“Talk and be honest. Tell your partner the stuff that needs to be said even if it hurts. Be open to compromise. Not everything is fixable but some people give up way to easily.”
This post has over 190 comments, read them all on Reddit here.
Have you been through a divorce? What lesson would you share with everyone to save them from going through the same? Share your lessons in the comments below!
Source: Reddit
I’m in the process of filing for divorce and my best advice would be to make sure you marry someone you know you can spend your life with and find happiness in good times and bad. While I agree with most of the previous comments about communication, spending time together and keeping the intimacy alive there is so much more to a real relationship. I absolutely agree that you should marry your best friend, someone who sees you as an equal not an opponent. Marry a person who has compassion and knows when you need them to be there rather than you getting lost in the shuffle of their every day lives.
Marry someone who is ready and willing to encourage you to chase your dreams and supports you every step of the way. Marry someone who is capable of not only communicating but doing so in a way that shows each other you care about what they have to say. Marry someone who only ever touches you in a loving way and would seek justice for any man who may seek to do you harm. Marry someone who is open and understanding and won’t add to your pain.
Just remember you are both only human and you both need your space to be who you are as people just as much as you need each other. Everyone needs to be their own person and have space and time to think, it’s never healthy to spend all your time together.
I think having both parties WANT it to get better is important. Both sides have to try. If only one does – it won’t work. Being truthful and staying romantic with each other is huge.