Maybe All I Need Right Now Is Myself

I’m enough for myself.

Maybe for the time being, I really don’t need to be with anyone. Perhaps for the moment, the only person I need in my life is my actual self. Maybe I don’t really need to feel the love of another person. Maybe I don’t really need affection from a man. Perhaps I need this time to figure out what I really want out of life and of relationships. Perhaps I need more time to discover myself more and learn more about what I really need. Maybe I need to do some readjustments. Maybe I need to reassess my priorities. Perhaps there are a few things in my life that I need to change; including my perspective. 

At this point in my life, perhaps I just need to be exposed to more things. Maybe I need to meet many different kinds of people for the moment. Perhaps I have to immerse myself in unfamiliar settings. I think it would be better for me to just step out of my comfort zone for the time being. Perhaps I am in dire need of inspiration in my life. Perhaps I need to be able to look other people in the eyes and try to figure out different means of living. Perhaps I need to escape my personal echo chamber. Maybe I need to actually start paying attention to the world that exists beyond what I know. And I know for sure that I will be unable to do that if I continue to let myself be distracted with false love. I can’t do that if I have a man in my life who is obstructing my view. I can’t do that if I allow another person to hold me back from actually being where I need to be. 

I know that eventually, down the line, I’m going to yearn for love. Heck, I yearn for love even now. I know I want that feeling. I know I crave for it every single day of my life. But what I don’t know is where I should be looking for it. I don’t know in what shape or form my love should come into my life. I don’t know what kind of relationship I want to be in. I don’t know at what speed I want to be going in my love life. I’m not sure if I’m meant to be domesticated. I don’t know if I’m supposed to stay in one place. I’m not sure if my soul is one that craves for adventure or if it’s one that is content with safety. I don’t know if I’m in need of a passionate and vulgar kind of love; or perhaps I would do better with a more subdued and subtle kind of love. These are things that I have to figure out on my own. I can’t afford to get distracted. I can’t have any other people influencing my perspective more than I actually do. 

I’m caught between a place of trying to know where my heart stands in life. I need to know how it responds to particular situations and particular people. I need to know what feelings it can handle; I need to know what emotions it can take. I’m just in dire need of more time to really get to know my heart more. For the moment, it feels very cluttered and all over the place. It feels very toxic. It feels very beat down and worn out. Maybe it needs some time to recover for now. Maybe I need to allow it the time to close its wounds; to heal its broken parts. Maybe for now, I should be devoting all of my love to just my heart. Maybe I need to give it the kind of love that no one could ever give. 

Perhaps everything that I’ve been looking for in other people, I should start being for myself. Maybe I need to be the source of my own strength. Perhaps I have to be the one who heals my own wounds. Maybe I should be my own shoulder to cry on. Maybe I need to be my biggest supporter and number one fan. Maybe I need to be the one who holds my own hand. I should stop being reliant on other people. I need to learn how to depend on myself. 

Maybe I’m toxic to other people at the moment. Maybe it would be better for everyone else to just leave me alone for now. They don’t want to end up as collateral damage. They don’t want me to infect them with my emotional disease. They don’t want to drown in the sea that I’m trying to wade myself through. 

Eventually, I know I’m going to find the love that I’ve always been looking for. I know that my story has yet to be written and I just have to keep on going. But for now, I’ve learned that I should just be with myself. And that’s okay. 

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