We’ve written a lot on mothers and the challenges they face, but all of our stories have been about mothers who have overcome the difficulties and trials to be happy and content with their babies; today’s story is a bit different – showing how motherhood is different for everyone and is an individual process. It’s about a mom who regrets having a baby and talks about how her baby changed her in every negative way possible.
An anonymous mother asked her question on Mumsnet – one of the largest parental forums where mothers, fathers, and single parents talk about everything from pregnancy to raising children.
The Story
Here is what she said in her question, posted on the AIBU subforum:
“If you’re thinking of having a baby – don’t”
“Or do. But be aware it may ruin your life.”
“I love my son more than anything in the world, but I regret having a baby so much. It has absolutely destroyed my physical and mental health, and it’s impossible for me to envisage a time where I will ever be happy again.”
“I used to be a vibrant, interesting, fun person with a great family life and hobbies, purpose and fulfilment. I’m now a shell of my former self, my world is so, so small.”
“If I could hit a button and go back to a time before my son existed, without remembering him or knowing he existed, I would do it without hesitation. I regret having a baby so much and I wish with all my heart and soul I hadn’t done it.”
“My partner is amazing – he does so much for us both, way more than his fair share. But I can see what a burden I am to him by feeling this way and I am so so worried about the toll it takes on him, having to be a parent and also support me through this.”
A Lot of Mothers Came to Support Her, Sharing Their Own Stories
One mother, username R0tational, sent out lots of love and well-wishes:
“He will be more enjoyable when he is older.
Lockdown babies must be sooooo hard.
You need a balance. Will you be back to work soon?
Go back to being yourself and just take him along in a sling where possible. Fit him into your life – dont revolve yours around him!”
Malibukev said:
“Oh poor you. It sounds like you are feeling terrible at the moment. I just wanted to say that doesn’t sound unfamiliar.”
“I love being a parent, my DD is 2.5 years old and I went through hell and back to get her here but I have definitely had lots of moments where similar thoughts have gone through my mind. I really didn’t enjoy the newborn stage at all. I just wanted to say, I do feel it gets better the older they get.”
AutumnLeafDance sent a hug:
“Hey OP, hang in there! You’ve made it all the way to seven months so well done you! Sleep deprivation is appalling but he’ll hopefully start sleeping through by the ten-month mark and you’ll start to feel much more like your old self. Great if you could get some psychological support lined up soon too. Sending you a big hug ☺️”
This thread has over 500 messages on Mumset, you can read them all here.
Our Message to This Mom
All of our love and support go out to you; please don’t give up and keep trying. According to all of the mothers we’ve personally known, it gets better with time. But before all else, take good care of yourself and don’t feel like you’re a bad mother – you’re definitely not. We hope you find contentment and peace with yourself and your baby!
Any mothers who can comment on what this mom is going through? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Source: Mumsnet – If you’re thinking of having a baby – don’t
Oh mama having kids is so hard. It changes every aspect of life. I wish more people were as honest as you. Have you talked to your OB or a perinatal therapists. The transition is hard, but made so much more dreadful if also dealing with perinatal mood and anxiety changes. Definitely reach out and speak to a specialist. I am a perinatal therapist and although I can’t assess you through your story, I can with definite nature recommend seeing one. The transition is so so hard, you’re not alone.
This too shall pass! This too shall pass!! Just like 6th and 9th grades seemed so hard and dreadful. But you made it through. The same will happen for your current resentment. Wish you and your family better days!! Thank you for sharing your honest feelings 💚❤️🖤
Sounds to me that your baby would be better off without YOU! You sound like a self-centered selfish person. There is NO love greater than having the blessing of a child no matter HOW hard it is. Your child is going to sense how you feel about him ruining your life. If you think being a parent is difficult now – think of how it’s going to be having a teenager knowing he was never wanted by h is own mother! GROW UP!
I absolutely agree with you’ i mean what did she expect? having a baby is the most stressfull thing in the world’ it ain’t easy especially when you are raising your child as a single mum’ she should be GRATEFULL that her baby is healthy PLUS she has a supportive husband what the hell.!!!. some of us have had NO support or partner we just got to get on with it. Your child doesn’t ask to be born so don’t burden your negative thoughts onto your child’ get help and just be grateful that you have your baby’ i buried mine..
Dear Paula!
Your comment is a total disaster! If someone feels bad about having a baby she has all the right in the world to say so! I have 2 kids myself but really sometimes I wish they never existed… I totally feel that mother from the post! Whilst you need to grow up to tolerate different opinions than your own.
Same thing to you Paula. If you can’t say something helpful, don’t say anything at all.
Dear Kate, I don’t mean to offend you, but “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”. There are far better ways to find and give love than having a baby. I myself had a baby, but I wasn’t prepared for it. I felt clumsy in a mother’s role I didn’t fit it. And it was soooo boring to me to see a face and a body (my son’s) all the time, day in, day out. See, I didn’t get love from my parents, no caress, no hug, no compliment for the whole of my life. Now my parents are dead and I must correct the situation. (at 65) So, having a baby is usually nice, but a mother-to-be should better know more about herself before the child is born. You see, nobody is going to take the child from you afterwards and you find yourself with someone you didn’t want to be with. Knowing yourself and your childhood frustrations (and WOUNDS) is the best solution BEFORE having the poor creature in this cruel world. Believe me, I’ve been through this for 33 yrs. (now my son is dead and I wish him all the best in his future life without me as a mother. I do hope to meet him one day, he was so genuine and an evolved spirit).
Your response was not helpful to this mom who may be going through postpartum depression. If you can’t say something helpful, why say anything at all?
I agree, but there is a way out of it, namely the mother with an unwanted baby/child is free to give her child to adoptive parents. There are so many people who cannot have children of their own and are eager to adopt smb. else’s offspring. This is a better solution than having to raise a child without a mother’s love, which is crucial in soul development. Take this into consideration, she will get rid of the child in no time at all.
What happened to supporting women empowering them instead of giving them negative comments just because they feel the way they do you should always give them something positive to look at instead of the negative you don’t know what they really are going through in life but that’s just wrong of you Shame on you my God not judge you for what you say not everyone is perfect and I bet you are not either
Your comment is so mean spirited. She came to this venue for support not to be completely put down by you. You should be ashamed of yourself for being talking to her that way. It took alot of courage for her to express those feelings.
Hey not everyone feels the same and I really wish you weren’t feeling this way. People judging you for speaking your truth says more about them than you… Did you have a traumatic birth by any chance? With you saying having your baby has affected both your physical and mental health? Trauma can bring on many conditions. Also and please don’t think I’m being derogatory but could you possibly be suffering from post natal depression? I have suffered with both my boys but not my daughter. It’s more common to get it with boys. Speak to your doctor in the meantime your doing a fabulous job and you’ve done 7 months but please see someone
Hi mom. My husband went through this more than me. The thought of the life long commitment was a lot fir him. But my husband & baby boy (11 weeks old) have an incredible bond. Better than me. While I was on maternity leave my husband lost his job. His children from another marriage came to live with us. My baby was born early and doesn’t sleep through the night either. It’s ok to feel the way you feel. You are human, a wife, sister, friend, career woman & and so much more and you can be any type of mom you want to be. Since your husband is so Awesome, try these things
1. let your husband take the baby 1 or 2 nights a week and you sleep in another room in your house to get full rest.
2. Pick one day and spend time with your friends
3. Go back to work part time to give yourself a sense of purpose.
4. Set one night a week or biweekly to spend time with your husband without the baby.
5. Get a therapist or family counselor just to get things off your chest.
Just know your baby can feel how your feeling as well. You are very connected. Remember he only knows you and how you feel now will start to shape how you feel later as well. Think your mom loved you no matter what that looked like.
Being a mother is one of the, if not THE toughest challenges on Earth. Yes, it brings some rewards and happy times and memories but also a TON of pain, angst, doubt and sometimes regret. From my perspective not everyone should or must be a parent to have a successful life filled with high quality experiences. I think it’s really important for young women to remember that Motherhood is not for everyone…this baby/child/human will be in your life FOREVER. They go through all kinds of various stages that can be quite difficult, and you will be faced with challenges you can never imagine. You have to understand that you think it’s tough when they’re babies? Well, the problems they have as infants and toddlers are NOTHING compared to when they get older. Bigger the kid, bigger the problems and you can Never separate yourself from their issues despite how much you try because you love them and are permanently attached to them. As a 55-year-old mother, I love my kids with all my heart, because they are my kids but anyone thinking of having them really needs to look WAY beyond the infatuation of motherhood (how it is portrayed on Hallmark channels etc) and more into the future and determine for yourself if you are willing to sacrifice your entire life for another being, beyond 18 years! That may sound selfish to some but it’s the honest truth. There are no guarantees in life, and nothing stays the same. Moms give up a lot of themselves and they are still the ones to sacrifice everything vs. dads. If you have a supportive network around you that is a plus, because no child can or should be raised all alone. You don’t know if your marriage will even survive child rearing. Bottom line, it’s a choice to be thought of at length and not impulsively. And women should not be guilted into motherhood or be made to feel they are missing out. Huge mistake of our society.
Perfect explanation, I fully agree with you.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS 🖤
Ah, a confluence of social and cultural standards that make such an important job…means YOU will be important, and the realities of motherhood and the many attendant risks…are minimized.
Once the baby is here…there is no return policy. No means of reversing, even the physical consequences of childbearing and birth.
All the billions of maternal experiences that might be shared, still won’t be the same.
I’ve always hated that kind of pressure being put on females in such an insane and sometimes dangerous way, where she’s made to consider motherhood against her own misgivings and instincts against it.
And how difficult it is, for anyone to take you seriously, when you don’t WANT to be a mother.
Many of the comments here about selfishness…happen when you decide NOT to be a mother too.
Which proves the contradictions in terms we are presented with as females.
I feel you on how you’re feeling.
It’s unfortunate, it was after the fact, rather than before.
I wish you and your little one, some kind of resolve before either of you is damaged any further.
Being a mama is tough. Your body goes through so many changes and you can’t comprehend most of them. All mamas have felt this way at some point during their first years and still have these emotions. PostPartum is real and ugly and I think that’s what you’re going through and there is help. Taking the first step towards help is the hard, but know that you’ve taken the first step expressing what you’re feeling. So don’t be scared to reach out and ask for help because it is there and yes, it won’t be easy but you will make it through if you accept the help!
Oh I’ve been there and I empathize. Absolutely no judgment, I’ve sat on my front stoop and cried about it many times (3 kids). You are not alone. Sleep training is a thing that pediatricians don’t like to recommend, but it works within 3-5 days. I’ve never seen it not work, unless the babe has medical conditions then they may need more nighttime attention. It may help a tiny bit if you got better rest. And yes, it gets better and more fun as they get older. The first 12-18 months is tough but you’ve got this. happy to share the sleep training from my pediatrician if requested.
I don’t think anybody is prepared to be a Mom. I had postpartum depression also. I didn’t know why I felt so sad instead of being happy. It lasted about three weeks. I made it though my son is in his 40s and has three kids of his own.
I definitely remember and still at times feel like I want my old life back. But at 7 months when my son wasn’t sleeping too well during the night and was very much dependent on me it felt like a burden. I was a very outgoing and out and about kind of person. And after having a baby I just couldn’t be myself. And on top of that my hormones still weren’t allowing me to be me either. I would say now recently I finally feel like my self again! My son is now 21 months. All I can say, be patient and give it some time. Also, maybe seek some psychological help, it can also be PPD. I think I did have PPD but I was able to manage it myself. Thank god!
Oh dear momma hang in there! I felt the EXACT same way until my son was almost a year old. It definitely gets better once they gain some independence.
It’s OK to feel that way everybody goes through that feeling when they have their first child and they don’t know what’s coming towards them but just know that it takes time for you to bond with your child right now you say those words but in the long run you’ll start to grow and bond with your child right now you’re just going through a difficult part of your life that you think everything has changed and it’s come to an end for you but just know that God made us all strong he will give you strength to get through every day as long as you need to become strong for your baby don’t ever be afraid to except help we all go through it even with these negative comments you’re getting on here don’t let them put you down just wash them away just because you are saying the truth to how you feel everybody is different and everybody has their own personality Just remember that you are strong you are not alone when you are feeling down just pray to the man above and tell him how you feel he will give you strength stay strong and just remember we’re all different