My Fickle Mind Is What Did Our Love In

So here I am now writing this to you in the hopes that we get some sort of closure. I know that we didn’t get to have any closure because my fickle mind wouldn’t even allow that. So here it is.

I’ve moved on with my life. I’ve just started a new job and I’m learning all sorts of things. I’ve missed the thrill and exhilaration involved in finding yourself outside of your comfort zone. I’ve missed the excitement of being thrust into unfamiliar territory. It frightens and it excites me at the same time, really. I’m just learning to take everything in the best that I can. I’m trying my best to just absorb all the information that may prove to be useful in the long run. For the most part, it’s been challenging, but no good things in life ever come easy. 

As we were going through the course of a meeting at work today, the point of making difficult decisions with speed and precision was brought up. And then, my mind just naturally drifted to the idea of you. Of course it did. I thought of you and all of the decisions that had to be made which led us to where we are right now at this moment apart from each other; living our individual lives. 

I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my mind couldn’t keep up with the pace of the relationship. I’m sorry that I chose to let my brain lead the way instead of just letting my heart call all the shots. I knew that you and I had the potential to be great; to be something special, but I just never got to develop the resolve required to actually build something of substance with you. I know I must have been difficult to be with. I know I must have been a handful. And that’s why I’m apologizing to you now. And I just want to let you know that my fickle mind is a never sure about a lot of things; but it’s definitely sure that I am grateful for having had you in my life. I am grateful that you were patient enough to tolerate my indecision and my slow resolve. I genuinely thought that we could just fight our way through whatever problems came our way, but I dropped the ball and I know it. I thought that we could find our way out, but I got lost in the depths of my own mind and there was just no recovering from that. And so I want you to know that I don’t hate you for giving up on me. In fact, I would have thought that you would give up much sooner than you did. But you still chose to stick things out in the hopes that I would eventually make up my mind. But I never did. And you chose not to stay any longer. – Continue reading on the next page

I could have made my decision right there and there in the midst of all the turmoil. I could have made a choice to just invest myself fully into the relationship, but I didn’t. My mind was my own roadblock. My brain was holding me back even when my heart just wanted to leap out of my chest. We could’ve lasted for so much longer. We could’ve even gone all the way. It’s just that I was the missing piece of the equation and I know it. They say that there should be no one to blame during breakups, but I know that this one is on me. I’m the one who broke us up because of my passivity. My fickle mind betrayed me. My fickle mind betrayed us. And now all I’m left with are what ifs and what could have been. We had the opportunity to make our mark on the walls of romantic history. We had the chance to actually give a name to whatever we had together. I know that you were ready to do it, but I just wasn’t. I am the one who is to blame.

So here I am now writing this to you in the hopes that we get some sort of closure. I know that we didn’t get to have any closure because my fickle mind wouldn’t even allow that. So here it is. I’m giving you full permission (not that you need it) to move on in life and find happiness elsewhere. I’m giving you my blessing to find whatever it is that I couldn’t give you in someone else. I want you to have that opportunity for happiness, the kind of happiness that I could never provide for you. I want you to have stability. I want you to be able to make decisions in your life about your future and about where you’re going. I want you to be with someone who actually has the strength and courage to just fall in love with you. I never was brave enough to admit it to myself and I ended up losing you for it. But that’s part of the game, I guess. And again, I’m sorry. 

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