Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey has been with her husband for 14 and a half years, and they got married about nine years ago. She realized that while she had been in other relationships before, there was something missing from them. Now, she has found the factor that has helped her and her husband build a healthy and strong relationship together.
So, what’s the big secret? It turns out, it’s allowing each other to go on dates with different people.
Lori Beth shared that she identifies as bisexual and expressed her desire not to sacrifice a part of her identity within the confines of a monogamous relationship.
Embracing a polyamorous lifestyle and having multiple partners has allowed her to maintain a connection with that aspect of herself.
Both Lori Beth and her husband were involved in a ‘non-monogamous’ lifestyle before meeting each other, and they mutually decided to incorporate that into their relationship.
She explained, “We both love it as we get more needs met, have wider support and more places of joy. We were together for five years before we were married and have had other relationships throughout.”
“I have two other long-term relationships. We meet people in the course of daily life. Neither of us spends time on dating apps. We have gone to events that are sex and relationship-positive and met people there.” She continued. “If I am at a sex positive event, people talk freely about their relationship status (and I do as well). Otherwise, it is really not different than how you approach someone if you are interested in them.”
But how does it all work? Well, there’s a particular guideline, and Lori Beth recognizes its contentious nature within the polyamorous community – it’s known as a veto rule. Essentially, it grants one partner the authority to decide that the other should not partake in intimate activities with someone else.
“Though it is controversial, we do have a veto rule because of the structure we agreed in our relationship. Otherwise, we practice safe sex and see consent as the key to establishing safety.” She said.
Speaking of handling jealousy, Lori said, in her professional experience, jealousy often stems from insecurity about oneself and feeling uncertain about one’s position in the relationship.
“My husband and I are both secure about ourselves and about our place in our relationship so we don’t really experience jealousy. We experience envy sometimes,” she said. “For example, if I am working and don’t get the opportunity to go and have fun, but he can. Or if I travel somewhere he would have liked to go with another partner.”
“We spend time talking about the feelings, allowing safe expression. Then we will look and see if any behaviour needs to change.”
Lori, an accredited advanced gender, sex, and relationship diversity therapist, provided her key advice for individuals contemplating non-monogamy. This includes ‘investing in personal growth’ and collaboratively establishing ‘clear boundaries and rules.’
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Source: Caters
