These days, more and more people are becoming more aware of the idea of narcissism; and the destructive tendencies that narcissists can exhibit in a relationship. A lot of times, narcissism can be something attributed to someone who is self-centred and individualistic; someone who is only ever really thinking about their own personal needs and benefits.
Other times, narcissism is attributed to people who lack a sense of mindfulness for their surroundings; people who don’t really think about the feelings and overall welfare of those around them.
Whatever the case, you really need to know that narcissism is a far cry from sensitivity and empathy. A lot of narcissists will excuse their behaviour by saying that they are just being ruthless and hardworking; that they are just being resilient and persistent in the pursuit of their goals and dreams. And to their credit, there is some truth to what they’re saying; however, it doesn’t necessarily make their behaviour justifiable.
The real truth is that genuine narcissism is a very serious personality and mental health disorder that needs to be treated. It can generate a lot of toxicity and dysfunction in any kind of intimate relationship, and that’s why you always have to be careful about getting into a relationship with a narcissist.
Heed this warning: it’s only after you’ve experienced being in an intimate relationship with a genuine narcissist wherein you will feel the emotional trauma and chaos that will take over your life.
You have to understand that getting into an intimate relationship with a narcissist isn’t going to seem at all bad when it’s all fresh and new. In fact, it’s going to be quite the opposite. The narcissist is going to be very charming, passionate, intense, and exciting – and you will fall victim to the lure of their charisma. You’re going to think that you’re finally meeting the person who really gets you; someone who is able to connect with you in ways that you’ve never experienced in your whole life.
And it’s going to be quite an experience for you. t’s going to be very exciting and you won’t be able to contain yourself. Everything is always going to seem so fine and dandy at the start, and that’s exactly how they’re going to hook and reel you in. They know just the right strings to pull and the right buttons to push to gain your trust; and from then on, you will be helpless to their advances.
During the early stages of the relationship, the narcissist is going to treat you like some form of deity. They will put you on a pedestal and they will shower you with all sorts of praises to beef up your ego and make you feel better about yourself. They will engage in constant communication with you. They will open up to you about the things that they most admire about you. And they will let you know of just how significant an impact that you have on their lives.
This is their way of getting you to place your trust in them. They will flatter you with so many flowery words to the point that you end up feeling like putty in their hands. This is a common technique that a lot of narcissists use and it’s called “love bombing”. What this technique aims to do is to compromise your defences and leave you in a state of emotional dependence on them. You will get so used to the amount of attention and validation that you’re getting that you will end up missing it when it gets taken away from you. You end up becoming dependent on the narcissist.
And once they know that they have you succeed in their grasp, that’s when all the destruction is going to take place. They will unleash some very systematic methods of manipulation and abuse on you. And they will be done in such a way that will render you paralyzed and defenceless. And that’s why it’s important for you to be aware of these harmful techniques so that you will be better able to defend yourself from them in the future. Here are the three harmful ways that a narcissist can cause damage to you in an intimate relationship:
1. Devaluation.
After growing dependent on the praise of a narcissist, you will be left wanting for more when they make you feel bad about who you are. They will make you seem like you are worse than you actually are in an effort to make you put more effort into the relationship.
2. Gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a very subtle technique that is designed for you to believe in your own craziness. A narcissist will dismiss all of your feelings and misgivings to the point where you start questioning the validity of your own thoughts.
3. Triangulation.
This is a very common method of torture that narcissist will employ by involving third parties. They will find an external source of torment and they will use it against you. Usually, they will pin you against someone outside of the relationship and make you feel completely inadequate when compared to them.
My ex is a narcissist. He was able to manipulate me so much that I thought I was crazy. He convinced my mom and family of it too. Gaslighting and triangulation was his main tactics. He was able to manipulate and convince law enforcement, DCF and even our therapist that I was the problem. I constantly had to defend myself which lead to being labeled as aggressive. He knew exactly how to push my buttons to where I acted out and eventually started hitting him. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I showed him how to get to me and he played it to a tee. I eventually was arrested three times for battery. Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse is unseen and isn’t noticed by average people. It wasn’t until I started researching his behavior, that I realized he was purposely doing this to disable me and have me solely rely on him for every validation I needed. I’m thankful that his actions unrelated to our relationship caught up to him, which put him behind bars. It was my escape from his torture and torment. He continues to this day to manipulate me, our daughters, family and new people he meets. He doesn’t take responsibility for his actions, instead it’s all my fault. I have therapy every week to work through the trauma he caused in my life. I still fear what he could be plotting next to destroy me indefinitely. I wish there was more help for this disorder, but when you dont see anything wrong with the way you treat someone, then how can you be fixed. The best book I’ve read is “How to kill a narcissist” I recommend it as a guide and tool to overcome the trauma and abuse.
I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for everyone that deals with this. A couple more books to read, the gaslight effect, The Wife Between Us and also A Dark Force. all amazing! I’m reading how to kill a narcissist now.
I didn’t go as far as hitting him, but totally understand your desperation. The process of mourning, multiple times. The feeling of being totally lost, the underlying anger that bottles up, because you just can’t understand how someone is Mean and enjoy your pain. That you fell for it (again).
Wishing your courage on your path.
Hi, geez, I’m shocked as I read this! OMG, my situation is almost the same. I didn’t know about narcissistic behavior except for what I learned in Psychology class. Five years ago I was injured and moved back home with my mother because I couldn’t care for myself living and working as a nurse clear across the country. My therapist told me that my mother was “jealous” of me,,, My boyfriend, who I truly thought was my gift from God, perfect for me, and my mother, are both narcissists. I had no money, was going through seven surgeries and the depression from the loss of my career and life, and I was getting arrested for assault on him, several times! I didn’t know the legal system, never had trouble. Had the two of them against me, my sister as well, believing my mother’s lies. Broke off (for good) last time I was arrested for assault. He had another chick to go to, yay. But fast forward to two months ago, I saw his name on two cash accounts online that I never had when he was around. Somehow he is cyber stalking me now! I just don’t know why!:I want to be left alone. I am scared. God Bless you
I am living with a narcissist since past 10 years and I was totally unaware of this type of personality disorder until I started researching about his behaviour and got to know tht he is a true narcissist, recently after an argument with him he threw me out of the house at 1 am in the night and I called cops but then I didn’t said anything about his physical violence and he said that I scratched him slapped him and what not and I got arrested and charged for criminal assault and since that day I am in complete shock like what this man has done to me ,I am still living with him as I have 4 year old son and I do not know how to move forward as I have these criminal charges on me and I have to go to give my fingerprints and got the court date for April 2024
I don’t know what will happen
I am too worried
Well I just left a relationship with a narcissist and it took for me to meet his mother and family to realize what kind of relationship I had really been involved in the moment I called him on his and their behavior I was the problem and there was absolutely no reason why I wasn’t ……. I know I wasn’t tripping he convinced me to go and meet his family and held me hostage for an entire weekend to where I couldn’t leave until he allowed it and it had to be with him and I had to wear what he wanted me to wear .
I am so sorry you had to endure this from him, my heart realy goes out to you. i have heard more than a few times this kinda behavior of holding a person hostage. I as well was held hostage and the feeling of utter helplessness is exactly what they strive for in my case too.I lived through this treatment even having to jump out my window not even opening it blinds and all.That was just one of the horrific treatments she put me through in order to gain more control over me and rendering me helpless.I must add that I was in a same sex relationship with a woman. I had never been in a lesbian relationship nor had i even thought of being in one. It is a very long story , I also must add that after this relationship was ending and took over10 drawn out years .this relationship was the only same sex one that i have ever been in to this very day. i realized it wasnt even somthing that i just was doing because of her, anyway it was the longest sadest most painful years of my life.
I’m in middle of hell with tryna break it off with my wife. She has done so much emotional. Damage. Has been 17 year marriage and raised 5 kids one of witch is still with her and seems to act just as she does. I hope I make it out of this with my life in tact.
I wish I new more about this 30 years ago. Same thing happened to me. Save your self they mead to be stopped it will take generations to sort all this out .people have to be aware and save what you can of your family .good luck .you are on the right path 👏…
My mother and sister in laws are narcissists. They act as though they can say what ever, when ever, then gaslight me. They call me names to my husband, and have spoken untruths about my family ( which they have never asked about or met) to my face. This is only a fraction of the abuse. My husband doesn’t see, or says he doesn’t. I have made it clear to my husband that I will not attend his family’s events (even my husband’s aunts/uncles don’t affiliate with them) Please know, I have tried from the very beginning, but after things got bad after a few years, it has become more toxic and they are bad for my emotional and mental health
You have every right to protect yourself. It’s no one’s business why? Your an adult and your taking care of yourself. My parents both Narcissistic. Dad died in 2004. His actions was adopted by his wife’s, she manipulated him from day one of their 1st date. She made us sisters doubt each other. She was jealous of all 3. She let a pedifile babysit the oldest 2. I will never be a part of her life again. Her death will be my closure. I have a therapist & she totally agrees for myself protection. I’m 63. I’ve never felt protection from mom. I was 4yrs old when molested. Raped at age 11, & molested again @12. Take care of yourself. Be your on advocate. God bless…
I’m not sure I can survive such evil. I’m in the process of divorcing my narc of 10 years. He left when I was diagnosed with a serious illness brought on by years of stress. He had alienated many friends and convinced my family I was crazy. I went thru chemo with my best friend at my side, along with her friend. I finally got better and they offered to pet sit while I attended a 4 day dog show.
I came home to discover my best friend had been involved with my ex for months and they had burglarized my home of nearly everything. Worse, they “swapped” items to make me sound even crazier. I have nothing, he does not pay support and ai’m about to lose the home I’ve worked for my entire life. And he gets away with it. I’m in my 60’s and rebuilding is impossible. He says he will destroy me and I believe him.
Sounds to me that you are a strong woman already. Those evil creatures will not destroy you. Turn the pain into power! I pray for you.
I am divorcing one right now. He has told so many lies and is trying to break me. The final straw was when he thought he could physically abuse my 12 year old. After only 12 months, 2 d of marriage I left him. Now he accused me of using him for a green card! Anyway, God bless you! One day you are going to be a support for someone in your shoes, going through a similar nightmare. You can so this!
So well said, Barbara. Your comment is very short yet so uplifting. Good luck to you.
I think my husband is a narcissist. Lately he’s been acting on and doing things just so he can blame me for everything. I am blamed for him going back to drinking over a small argument. His latest was a call to me asking if i talked to his HR about some girls boyfriend calling him out on whatever he and this girl were doing. I don’t work due to our new born baby so I ended up resigning to take of her child. So why would I call HR to get him to lose his job when it’s the only source of income we have at the moment. I think at this moment all I wanna do is let him go. And trust me I did but his reply is “my job is close to us if I move to my family my commute would mean i would have to wake up at 4am to get ready and leave to make it to work on time.” What can I do???
Tell him to go to bed earlier so he can get up on time for work and to stop being a whiney baby
My so called female friend is a narcissist. I’ve totally blocked her from.my phone and life . These people ate nasty and evil and dangerous and very.manipulative n dangerous. Steer very clear of them at all times. Go no contact hundred percent it’s the only way. They are very damaging and they need to be alone n away from people .they ate not fit to be in other people’s lives . They are pure evil underneath all that and very sick awful.people do.not entertain them ever again!
Dawn are you from Texas? My wife is very bad and has a friend in Texas name Dawn but I don’t know her last name. My children sent me things on my wife’s behavior so I read up on it t some
I am in the battle of my life with a narcissist I let him move in with me last December he’s never worked always had excuses borrowed money IOU’s never paid it back. He a carpenter so he did upgrades to my house that I told him no I’d rather you pay rent he sad it was his way of thanking me. I couldn’t afford the bills put house up for sale he said he’d help paint fix up for potential buyers. When he found out I would make a profit off the sale he decided to charge me $15,000 for his work on my house threatened to put a lien on my house I’ve had to move out to get away from constant emotional abuse and demanding money but he owes me $4,500 in unpaid rent and $2,000 in IOU’s he is evil pure evil these people are predators I only hope I can get him out and out of my life it’s horrific the way he’s turned this into my fault I’m gonna file elderly abuse charges against him
I was married to a narcissist for 18 years. But I did not know what narcissist was until after we separated. He never engaged in raising our children yet always blamed me when kids would act up. Blamed me for returning to heavy drinking. Even blamed me for our separation, even though he left the home, first, and 4 children behind. It’s true you never see from the inside looking in, only from the outside looking in. And if you are considering getting out of a relationship, go cold turkey! Cut off all ties completely! It’s the only way to not fall back into that trap. I have been divorced for 10 years and live a happy peaceful life. 2 years ago he had his brother call me to tell me that he still loves me and wants me back. Being able to clearly identify what he was I could say, “ No thank you!”
Wow your stories break my heart!! I now know I’m not alone I’ve been w him for nearly 12 years the first 3 years were great then he went to jail for 3 and he changed over night in boot camp it wasn’t exactly prison. Spoiled they were you ask me but he totally 360 me from 1 visit to the next he stopped calling had other women coming to see him lied every single time said busting firms were wrong 13 times mond you!! Then he comes home and we get a place to hat was 6 years ago it’s so bad his verbal and emotional abuse is just unspeakable evil. I do not comprehend it s no d w the same mouth he loves me it’s sick but I’m wrong it’s my fault everydamn thing that has gone wrong in 12 years me ask him he will flat say I haven’t done anything she’s done this yet there is over 30 something dating apps n sites in his phone I’m scared I don’t know how to live him
Count your losses, kiss the good years you have lost., An get out, the longer you wait the older you get ya don’t have to be kicking your self in the but for staying.
Trust me I went thru intense verbal abuse ETC….for 24 years I got thru it. Only wish I would have done it earlier.
Good luck to you!!
You can do it!!
YOUR HAPPINESS WILL RETURN!!!
I stumbled upon this on accident and I’m so glad I read it it made me stop and think about the relationship that I am and I’ve been so distraught lately and everything that I read is exactly what he’s doing I just want to thank you for sharing the information with me once again thank you Bren georgiani
I married the most beautiful man, & it was fantastic for about 10yrs.., then I went away for 6mths to attend to my father who was dying. When I finally returned, that loving husband must have had an Annurisam, & lost all account to who I was & that we where married. I found he was entertaining a single mother of 3 next door. Then a teacher at my sons school, he had done a 180 degrees flip .. I was a b*tch, I was crazy, I was deranged, then I started digging into financials & became a super sleuth .. well .. what you find is heartbreaking .. but it was 10 tones of weight of my shoulders, “oh what a feeling “! I just wish his mother was still alive ..so she would feel embarrassed, because she only believed her darli son, & her darling son was a liar, a cheat, a manipulator of the worst kind. Disgusting human being! Good riddance to bad rubbish.. I am free & sane!
The more I read on narcissism the more visibility on what I actually suffered. I didn’t know humans could be this harsh. Astonishingly, two most important people in my life had treated me exactly this way. They had my love and respect, so i overlooked all these traits. When they drove me to the snapping point, I walked away from both and denied every access to me henceforth.
Both had/have narcissistic mothers as I observe.
I have been dealing with my sister for 66 years. Recently upon dealing with my Mom’s illness and death and me being the Personal Representative of her estate, this sibling — my only sibling — has unleased a hell upon me that surpasses the previous 65 years. Once the estate is final — I AM DONE! Reading this information reassures me that this MUST happen! Thank you!
My husband and his mom are narcissists. She’s stepped in our marriage and has ruined everything. I’m trying to get out of the marriage because it’s not safe here.