You’re feeling restless and you have so much pent up energy. Your mind is practically working like a circus and you’re slightly worried about fizzling out.
You’re back to living that single life and you just don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s disconcerting feeling. It’s as if you’ve been greeted back into unfamiliar territory even though you know you’ve been there before. It’s like being thrust back into the ocean after spending decades living on a mountain. You have so much more time to yourself and you’re unsure of how you should be spending it. You feel like you’re lost even though there’s no real reason to be. It used to be that you would just wrack your brain trying to figure out how you could maximize your time every day. You would have bargained anything you owned to be able to get a few more hours every day to get things done. You thought that life didn’t afford you the time you needed to actually maximize it to its fullest potential. And yet here you are now. You have all of that time that you were yearning for but you don’t know what to do with it. You’re spending all this newfound free time staring into space. Your mind is an endless loop of useless thoughts that add no value to your life. This is the extra time that you used to dream of for you to be able to maximize your life and yet you’re doing nothing with it.
You try to compel yourself to wake up from your trance and actually contribute something to the world. You don’t want to stagnate for prolonged periods of time and so you try to find something to do right away. You’re feeling restless and you have so much pent up energy. Your mind is practically working like a circus and you’re slightly worried about fizzling out. You know why you want to keep yourself busy. You know the exact reason why you want to keep yourself distracted. It’s because there is this nagging idea in your head that you just don’t want to bring into the spotlight. You are trying to fill your head with lots of useless ideas so as to drown out that one thought that you want to put out of your mind. But it won’t drown. It won’t go away. It’s staying there and it’s going to cultivate its place in your mind until you actually choose to address it. It’s the memory of your love; the love that you lost. It’s the ghost of your past heartache and it has some unfinished business with you. It wants to be heard. It wants to be addressed. It demands to be felt. – Continue reading on the next page
But still you refuse to give it that power over you.
You decide to turn to the people you love the most for support. You look to them to give you a distraction. But then you think to yourself about all those times you decided to blow your friends off for the sake of the relationship. You think about all the friendships that you deliberately chose to neglect for the sake of your failed romance. You think about all the times you were a bad friend and now here you are, desperate for the company you refused to give in the past. You are feeling even more guilty right now. You think that you were a terrible friend and that no one will want to help you out now. You wish you could have been a better person in the past but you also acknowledge that nothing can be done to undo what has happened. You can only pick up the pieces and move forward. But you’re still afraid. You still don’t want to confront the truth head on. You refuse to come to terms with the fact that you’re single after a long time of being in a relationship with someone you thought you loved with all your heart. You know what? Maybe you really did love that person with all your heart. Maybe your love was pure. Maybe your intentions were noble. But somehow, none of that was ever enough. And here you are, broken.
And so you try to look for other outlets. Maybe you take up drinking. Perhaps the drinks will kill all of the demons that are inside of you. Maybe you start devoting all your time and attention to your job. Perhaps overloading yourself with work will do the trick. Maybe you turn to food. Perhaps you can drown your sorrows in calories instead. Whatever the case is, you’re just trying to fill an unfillable void. You are trying to replace an irreplaceable sensation. You have to understand that you will never be able to move on until you actually face the music. You can’t choose to just distract yourself in the hopes that the negative feelings will eventually float away. Allow yourself to be human and just let the sadness and devastation of loss flow through you.
That’s a necessary part of learning how to pick yourself up. That’s a necessary part of moving on.