Honestly, I dread the night. I always dread the night. I’m always at my weakest and most vulnerable – every single night. At night, I always find my wind wandering off into places that I don’t think it should be going off to. At night, my mind starts to seek answers that it knows it doesn’t want to find. At night, my mind is going to weave a web of complexity that it’s not even going to be able to comprehend for itself. At night, my mind confronts all of the feelings that I try to suppress and ignore throughout the day.
And that’s why I’m afraid of the night. That’ why I’m afraid of the darkness. I’m afraid of what my mind does to itself during the night. At night, it’s as if I lose all of my willpower. It’s as if I let go of all of my self-control. It’s as if I lose who I am completely – and I self-destruct. And I hate it. I hate it that I do this to myself. But more importantly, I hate that I’m doing this to myself as a result of you being the way that you are to me. I hate the fact that I’m losing sleep over you even when I know that you never even think about me.
It’s a series of images that just run through my mind like a sad movie written by the cruel hands of fate. And I’m forced to watch them all in painstaking agony – it’s like watching a train-wreck. It’s all so devastating and destructive, but I just can’t seem to turn away. I can’t seem to avert my gaze. I think about all of the little moments where I let myself be stupid with you. I let my guard down. I let myself be vulnerable. I let you all the way in – and you just did it so well. You did such a good job of lowering my guard.
I think about all of the little moments where you looked at me like I was the only girl in the room – but little did I know you were thinking about so many other people. I think about how you used to kiss and hug me – and then you’d go around and kiss other girls right behind my back. I would think about all of romantic embraces that made me feel secure, but you were just more interested in making sure that I wouldn’t slip from your manipulative grasp. I think about all of those sad moments – and how much you have affected my well-being.
It’s really unfortunate that I was so blind to the things that I needed to be paying attention to. It’s so sad that I wasn’t noticing all of the things that I needed to be on the lookout for. Sure, you looked at me like I was the center of the universe. I always thought that I was special in your eyes. And maybe, just maybe, you thought so too. But then we both turned out to be wrong and now everything is all messed up. At that time, the both of us might have really believed that we had something special.
The way that you held me always made me feel like your feelings couldn’t have been fake. The laughs that we shared were a true testament to our compatibility. Or maybe in hindsight, vision is really just 20/20. Maybe we were both living in our own personal delusions. I should have been paying attention to the voice that was telling me that everything wasn’t what I thought it was. I should have listened to my gut. I should have paid better attention to my instincts.
I should have sensed that there was trouble brewing underneath it all – and I was letting myself get carried away with everything. I should have seen the signs – or maybe I did see them, and I just deliberately chose to ignore them. Maybe my eyes saw everything, but my heart was just too stubborn. Maybe I betrayed myself by enforcing my own ignorance. Maybe I did myself wrong. But I’m not absolving you of any guilt. You chose not to be with me. You chose not to love me – and that broke me.
But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to give up on love. I know that love – like anything else in life – is a learning process. It’s something that I can get better at in time. And just because love didn’t work out for the both of us doesn’t mean that I can’t make it work with someone else in the future. So even if I have to let go of the idea of loving you; I’m still going to cling to the idea of finding love for myself; a love without you.