I have not been too honest with myself in the past. I never fully accepted or understood, actually, the consequences that my words and actions could cause.
I was young, I had an idealistic view of life, love and my partner. I had read too many love stories and had watched a lot of movies. I knew exactly whom I wanted, I wanted that tall, dark guy with a heart of gold and everything going for him. That is the guy any girl in her early 20’s would want right?
To my surprise, I actually met this dream guy on 15/03/2013. Nothing was short of perfection. I met him at the park, where we both used to go running. I never thought bumping into him would change me so much.
I am sure he never thought bumping into me would change everything about him one day.
I am here today because I feel I have, unknowingly, deformed a soul in trying to make him perfect, a soul that was perfect to begin with.
Our relationship started off with crazy and funny dates. We would go around and do the most random stuff and I enjoyed it, initially. He was so spontaneous, with the way he would suddenly stop talking and stare but then he would compliment me on something he noticed. He could do so much with his words and actions to surprise me. Things started to change when I got used to the spontaneity and all the compliments.
We were such an informal couple, we would dress up to go on a date like a normal couple does but the most random food stand would take our fancy and he would take me there, I admit that it was fun. But as time went on, I started to feel like I wanted more out of the relationship. I wanted him to do stuff that all my girlfriends told me about their boyfriends. You know, the usual; a bouquet, gifts, classy dinners. – Continue reading on next page
I always expected him to do that, while he picked a rock concert I secretly prayed for him to pick a cruise and a candle lit dinner. While he cooked me our Sunday morning late-breakfast, I prayed he took me out shopping instead. I prayed for all that, that wasn’t there and forgot to praise what was right there.
Often, I would feel just fine about our dates and the way we were different from the other couples but I and my relationship were soon judged and my friends would listen to my stories with those narrowed stares as if asking me, are you really happy with that?’
When you start getting such stares and such judgmental comments about your relationship, it does take a toll on you. I was no angel, I wouldn’t even call myself a good, sane human being. I paid attention to stupid things and I let them affect me, in turn affecting my relationship. I could feel myself getting distant from him and he could see it too.
Soon, when I didn’t see things change, I started to become more and more vocal and expressive about it. I couldn’t help but throw a tantrum on birthdays and anniversaries when I didn’t see things the way I had heard about В from my friends. He could see I wasn’t happy. He could see I wasn’t satisfied.В I wanted to achieve what I thought everyone else had achieved and I didn’t.
I wanted to settle for mediocrity when I had something that was so much more.В I started to feel I wasn’t worthy enough of all the things that my friends were experiencing and I started to doubt his love. Why wouldn’t he do all that fancy stuff for me?В Did I not deserve it?В – Continue reading on next page
Why is it that we always weigh our relationships on the bases of the standards society has set?В Why have we formed these moulds of Ken dolls and we try and fit every man we date into that!В Someone is always going to be too little of that and too much of this. We forget to embrace them and appreciate them for the things that make them better than others, even better than these moulds, thinking they are imperfections. I thought that way, and I would do anything to change that now.
People are special, they are different but they all eventually are perfect in their own ways. They will serve and fulfil your every need, in the way you want them to or another but they will. You just need to have faith and look harder.
After many fights, and arguments, I saw him change. Every argument that disclosed every expectation I had of him, he changed a bit.В Bit by bit he changed a lot, I changed him a lot and soon he was a completely different person.
I earned the bouquets, lost that sparkle in his eyes.В I earned those dinners, but saw he had lost his appetite.
I earned those well-dressed and well-mannered double dates, but lost those wide smiles that I saw every time we had an adventure.В All the things that I thought I was earning were actually the things that were making me lose more things that were important and precious.
I should have treasured what mattered more, HIM!В – Continue reading on next page
One day, while I was getting dressed, he was waiting for me in the living area. I came out and saw him get up from the couch. He was about to say something, I knew it had to be one of his spontaneous cheesy pick up line moments. Something he always used to do.
He opened his mouth and said, I got you this bouquet, put it in the vase later, we are already late for the show and I know how much you have wanted to go to this.’
It felt a bit unusual but we hurried to our date and saw the theatrical show that I had been dying to see. I am sure he pretended to enjoy that show for me and I sort of liked that. I felt like I was worth that much effort.
Later that night, I came home. Took off my heels and let the gravity pull me down to the couch. I started thinking of this perfect date, the lovely theatrical performance, that dinner, us, all dressed up This perfect date that I just had with… with whom?
I saw the flowers lying on my table, wilted and starting to blacken.В That moment was my point of sudden realisation.В I can’t explain if those wilted flowers reminded me of this amazing guy who was so full of life sometime back and is no more, just like them. Or achieving that perfect date with a complete stranger.В Someone I had estranged.В – Continue reading on next page
Why didn’t I put them in the vase, why didn’t I care for them when I was supposed to, when I should have?В Why didn’t I take a moment to appreciate the beauty when it was there?
All these thoughts, were they only for the flowers or for him also?
I broke into tears and I realised what I monster I had become, in my need to become and achieve what my friends and what the society respected and envied, I had lost the chance to appreciate and let something greater in my life
All the time that I was judging his love, trying to change him, trying to get more out of him while completely disregarding what he was already doing for me, I was becoming the needy, greedy and unthankful partner that I did not want in my life in the first place.В Trying to change him, what does this say about my love?
If I truly loved him, I would have loved him in his cheesy jokes and his informal date settings. His stares of appreciation, his moments of complete silence, his moments of laughter.В Even though he deserved every bit of it, even though he deserved so much more than this, I gave him less.
I kept on expecting more and giving less, he still accepted me. He still wanted me, he still had faith even though it crippled him completely and made him change huge parts of his being, but he still did.
It wasn’t him who was falling short of expectations, it was I.В I was the one who couldn’t appreciate and love him for who he was. I was the one who wanted what the society wanted, even if it meant having less of him.В I was the one who didn’t see perfection in the moment of sheer miraculous perfection.В What I had wasn’t a short term, just-till-when-the-honeymoon-phase-lasts kind of a relationship. What I had was true companionship.В – Continue reading on next page
That day, I decided he was more valuable to me than any judgments the society or my friends make.В I decided If I had him, I could face anything in the world.В I decided I would truly love him the way he has loved me.
Even though I had lost my partner completely somewhere not even he knew where, I try everyday bit by bit, to bring him back.В The things I changed about him, I am trying to undo them all.В It is a slow process but I will not give up on him. It is my turn to prove my love to him and I will.В He was and is perfect, and I will love him the exact same way he used to.
Wish me luck and learn from this if you can.В Don’t be stupid like me and don’t be a fool to listen to a bunch of shallow people.В Your partner is the most important person so don’t change them because soon when you look them in the eye, all you will see are dead estranged eyes.
