Why is it that it still bothers me to think that he could ever be happy without me?
It’s weird because I’m totally over my ex. I’m at a point in my life where I am thrilled and content with who I am and what I’m doing. I am at a place of comfort and security that I could never feel for myself back when we were together. I’m over the fact that we had a beautiful but flawed relationship. I have accepted and move on from the point that we called it quits; that we walked away from a love that couldn’t be saved. But why is it that it still bothers me to think that he could ever be happy without me?
Is it so weird for me to say that a little part of me wishes that he would suffer a little bit more? I want him to feel subtle tastes of despair and anguish. He didn’t exactly make me feel like a ray of sunshine back when we were together, and so the factors of vengeance and vindication come into play. Is it weird that I am so unforgiving a person that I would wish him a life without love just because he never gave me the kind of love that I needed him to give? But don’t think of me as a monster. The other side of me also wants what’s best for him; because I know that that is the kind of healthy mindset I need for myself as well. He played a big role during a very significant stretch of my life, and that’s something that I’m never going to downplay or forget.
Sometimes, I go ahead and think about if he still misses me or not. We haven’t even been in communication since we parted ways, and that was for the best. It was the only way that we could do things right. We could never have moved on properly if we still maintained contact with one another. But in those moments, I couldn’t help but wonder: does he miss me the way that I miss him? Is he also thinking about all of those happy moments that we shared? Does he wish he could have done things better to try and make things work between us? What kind of feelings does he have to cope with now that we’re no longer together? Are they the same as mine?
Inevitably, I see a few updates on what his life looks like now. In the age of social media, no experience is a secret anymore. And so I know that he seems like he’s got his marbles together. It looks as if he’s also moved on, and if he’s harboring any ill feelings, he’s doing an excellent job at hiding them. He seems genuinely happy in the pictures that I see of him. And I can’t help but wonder about the women that he’s within these pictures. Has he been dating already? Are these just old friends that I’ve never had the privilege of the meeting? Are these new friends with whom he’s looking to strike up a romance? Are these mere family members, and there should be no cause for me to be acting jealous? The uncertainty is killing me, and I don’t think I can bear it.
I sit down and think about if he looks back at our relationship and has regrets. I know that he said he was sorry when we broke up, but that’s just something that you say at the moment out of courtesy. I wonder if he meant it. I wonder if he still means it. I wonder if he’s genuinely sorry that he couldn’t make things work between us. I wonder if he still thinks about all those times he screwed up and eventually caused our downfall. I wonder if he still wonders about trying to make amends and getting things back on track for both of us. I know with finality that that is never going to happen. But I still can’t help but wonder about it sometimes. My mind is a dangerous place, and I’m afraid of being left alone with it.
I have closure. I know that things were never going to work, and they will never work even if we gave things another go. I don’t mind it. I don’t hope for anything to come between us anymore. It’s just that I can’t seem to shake these thoughts from my mind. I can’t help but daydream about the what-ifs and the dream scenarios. But then again, these are only dream scenarios. And in reality, I am happy. He is happy. And even though we aren’t living our comfortable lives together anymore, well, at least we’re both happy.
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