Sometimes, there are a few nights where I just lay on my bed with thoughts of you running through my head. I toss and I turn and I so desperately want to go to sleep. But I can’t, because your face still lingers so vividly in my mind. And you have the kind of face that I could never just fall asleep on. And in a way, I embrace the insomnia. I embrace the sleepless nights with thoughts of you in my head. Because honestly, even if I only have my thoughts of you to keep me company, they are incredibly comforting. There is a silence and stillness in my soul at this moment because you’re not here, but the idea of you is something that I will always consider to be precious. I used to always consider myself a guarded person. I made sure to never let anyone break my walls down without putting up a fight. I never willingly lowered my defenses. But you somehow made doing all of that so easy. You gnawed away at the shell that I built for myself and you got through. But then, everything started to descend into a downward spiral. We are never going to be together ever again. I’m trying to detach myself from you. I’m trying to move on from you. But I honestly don’t think that I could ever grow to stop loving you.
I didn’t realize at that time that love had the potential to turn a person into someone who was self-destructive. I never knew that love could drive me to want to destroy myself. Or maybe I allowed myself to just get too caught up with everything even when I wasn’t prepared to handle it. Maybe I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe I was too immature. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to take what you were giving. You distracted me a little too much. You rocked my world in a way that no one else ever did; and maybe that threw me off. Maybe it led me to act in ways that were unbecoming. You made me believe in things that were unbelievable. But here we are now. I so desperately want to believe that we’ll still end up together, but I know that reality has other plans for the both of us.
I’m not going to hide from it. I’m not going to run away from it. I’m going to confront how I really feel. And this is the truth. I fell in love with you. I loved you so much. Every single time that I laid eyes on you, my heart just leapt with utter elation. The mere sound of your voice was enough to send a whirlwind of bliss through my soul. Your mere presence was enough to arouse a sense of comfort and ease within my troubled spirit. Every time I was with you, I had this feeling of confidence; like I knew that everything was fine and that everything was going to turn out alright. But the opposite was true. My love for you blinded me from reality. And I don’t know if it might still be blinding me now. But that’s the kind of love that I had for you; the kind that compromises the senses. That’s the kind of love I still have for you; and will probably always have for you.
I always felt like loving you was the greatest possible feeling anyone could ever have the privilege of knowing. I thought that loving you was the pinnacle of human experience. I thought that falling in love with you was the thrill of a skydive knowing full well that a parachute of your love was going to guide me to safety. But little did I know that my parachute wouldn’t open and I was in the midst of a freefall onto nothing.
I only saw the parts that I wanted to see; the parts that I loved. I never laid eyes on the things that I knew would hurt e; and they eventually did.
It’s been so long now since I’ve last spoken to you; since I’ve last seen you. I only have vague recollections of the exact timbre of your voice and the details of your face. I may not remember the exact way you were put together, but I still remember how you used to make me feel. I remember because I still feel those things today. And it leads me to ask if I’m genuinely still in love with you or if I’m just in love with the idea of you. I don’t know the answer but it’s all moot at this point. The fact of the matter is that there is a love inside of me and you are a huge reason why it’s still in there.
