Even after all of this time, you’re still on my mind.
Even after all of this time, you’re still on my mind. And I’m slowly starting to learn to be fine with it.
But it’s not like I had a choice in the matter anyway. There’s no point in trying to deny the truth. There’s no point in not being brave enough to actually confront how I feel. I need to be able to come to terms with the impact that you have made on me, and that’s fine. I’m fine with it. At first, I really didn’t want to confront it. I really didn’t want to face the truth. I really didn’t want to have acknowledge what was painfully obvious in my life. Every time a sad song comes on my playlist, it’s you that I think about. Every time some sappy romance movie suggests itself on my Netflix, it’s you who comes to mind. All of the signs were there and I just really couldn’t deny it for any longer. The truth was there for everyone to see. Looking back, the main reason why I didn’t want to face the truth; the reason why I tried to deny everything for far too long was because I was much too afraid of what other people might say or think. I let the prospective thoughts and opinions of the people around me dictate how I entertained my own feelings and that was wrong.
You know me. Typically, I don’t really care about how other see me or what they say about me behind my back. I usually like to live my life the way that I want to live regardless if other people accept my behavior or not. But with you it was totally different. There was this insecurity within me that just triggered itself whenever I thought about you. And other people only ended up adding to my insecurities and my head got all messed up as a result. I could never really grow to just be myself because I cared too much about how other people saw me and how they thought about what I felt for you. That messed me up really bad.
But here we are now and the truth is, my feelings are just as strong as ever. I still constantly find myself thinking of you even when I don’t want to. The thought of your face continues to run through my mind on a consistent basis. I still feel things as a result of having met you. I get sad when I realize that you’re no longer there. I get happy when I think about the fact that I was once an important part of your life. I get angry that things with you didn’t work out in the way that I wanted them to. It’s the truth. It’s the truth that I have learned to accept. It’s the truth that I can’t change no matter how hard I might try to. I know that technically speaking, there aren’t any rules or laws that forbid me from actually thinking about you. But I still can’t shake that feeling of judgement that people might give me for knowing that I still think and feel this way about you. I am afraid of being ridiculed and being looked down upon for my feelings. I’m afraid that people will think of me as someone who is weak just because I can’t seem to shake you from my head.
Here’s the thing. I already know what they’re going to say. They’re going to tell me that I deserve better. They’re going to tell me that it’s unhealthy to cling to these things. They’re going to tell me that I need to move on if I really want to be happy. They’re going to tell me that I am just wasting my time when I think about you constantly. I understand all of that completely. I understand all of their sentiments. It’s just that my heart doesn’t seem to be something I can control at this point. I can’t force something that just isn’t meant to be. And it took me the longest time to just accept that.
So consider this to be my grand confession. This is my great admission. You’re still the one who holds the key to my heart. You’re still the one I constantly think about. You’re the one who I wish was at my side at all times. And that’s okay. That’s fine.
I’m fine with this because I know that it’s only after I’ve made these admissions when I can really start on moving on. I need to come face to face with reality if I am to figure out how to go about my future. I need to come to terms with the facts of life before I can be okay again. And that’s fine. I’m fine. Or at least, I’m going to be.