I never felt afraid whenever I was around you even though before I met you, the world frightened me.
I have difficulty interacting with lots of people because I always feel like I’m being placed outside of my comfort zone when I’m being social. I’m overly anxious. I always get scared about what I say and do around people because I never want anyone to think ill of me. I wouldn’t be able to take knowing that my behavior would ever be the direct cause of a person’s unhappiness. I’m not exactly anti-social either. I want to be surrounded by people. It’s just that I don’t ever feel comfortable in my own skin. I can’t seem to find my sweet spot in social situations. I would always try to end conversations as soon as they start. I just smile and giggle whenever I can’t think of anything witty to say in response. Whenever I see someone I know walking down the street, I’ll try to avoid their gaze and act invisible. Social interactions freak me out. I don’t want that pressure on myself. I want to be a wallflower. I want to be camouflage.
And this severe flaw in my personality carries over into dating and relationships as well. This is the reason why I’m terrible at just flirting with people. I never feel like I can be confident and comfortable enough in myself to actually believe that I have a shot at seducing another person. I would never be able to carry a conversation properly. I would never be able to exude charm and charisma. I would never be able to let my confidence just shine forth. I could develop an interest in a person. Or perhaps someone would catch my eye. It would take so much for me to actually develop the courage to just approach that person. And if I do eventually strike up a conversation with someone, I find myself wanting to abandon the conversation midway. I will want to crawl back into my hole of isolation. I will want to climb back into my shell. I will want to turn myself invisible; free from the judgment and ridicule of other people.
But somehow, things were different when I first met you. The moment you walked into my life, I had a renewed perspective on things. When you first talked to me, I didn’t feel like I just wanted to kill myself. I found an ease and a joy out of conversing with you. I was surprised at how easily our conversation flowed; at how well I was keeping up with you. I started putting on some moves that I didn’t know I had in the first place. I found myself just joking with you a lot. I found myself actually flirting with you. I actually allowed my inner self to come out and shine after being locked away in the dark for so long.
And truthfully speaking, that’s why I fell in love with you so easily. You brought something out of me that no one else ever could. You made me feel things that I had never felt before. You brought a sense of comfort and relaxation in my life that I couldn’t conjure for myself. You made me feel secure about who I was even when I had been trying and failing to do so all of my life. You made me comfortable in my own skin. You made me fall in love with the idea of me being me and it’s because of that that I fell for you too.
Throughout my entire life, I never had the privilege of just meeting someone who made me feel understood and accepted. I had never met someone who totally just got what I was feeling and thinking at any particular moment. I could never find anyone who had the willingness to try and see things from my perspective. And I certainly could never find anyone who could do it as easily as you did. You didn’t make me feel like I had to walk on eggshells when we were together. You never made me feel like I had to overthink anything and everything.
I never felt afraid whenever I was around you even though before I met you, the world frightened me. When I met you, I didn’t even have to second-guess myself. I didn’t doubt my sense of self-worth. I didn’t think that I wasn’t deserving of the happiness that you were giving me. You were the one who made me feel okay with loving myself. You were the one who made me feel safe and secure about who I was.
At the end of the day, you made me feel a certain comfort. And that was a kind of comfort that I could never find in anyone else. It’s because of you that I now understand what it means to find the meaning of home in another person.