I stare at the screen and I see that I’ve just received a message from you and I don’t even make an effort to read it.
I hear my cellphone beep as I’m lying down on my bed ready to fall asleep. I stare at the screen and I see that I’ve just received a message from you and I don’t even make an effort to read it. I don’t feel that it’s important to answer you right now. I’m not in the mood to actually converse with you at the moment. I’m not really busy. I’m not sleepy yet. I have all the time and energy in the world to reply to you. But I don’t. Why is that?
Things have changed between us and that’s for certain. You would be a fool to deny it. You would be stupid not to notice it. I haven’t really liked spending as much time with you as I used to do. In fact, I try to find lots of excuses to get me out of having to spend time with you. Things are just so much more different now. I can still vaguely remember the time when all my days were just spent wanting to be with you. I would try to kill as much time as possible in anticipation of being with you. When I look back at how I used to act in those times, I shudder. I get a slight nausea. I can’t believe I ever allowed myself to feel that way because of you. And then I feel a sudden guilt. I realize that it’s unfair for me to be thinking like this. I know you tried your best, but I guess I just want different things now.
Flashback to a few months ago, the very thought of you would be enough to have me grinning from ear to ear. I remember how your mere presence was enough to lift my mood no matter how bad I was feeling. I remember how the blood would rush to my head whenever you touched me or when our skin came into contact with each other. It was as if you were the walking ray of sunshine in my life. It was like no rainclouds could ever come near me so as long as you were around. I couldn’t even fathom a kind of life that didn’t have you in it. But here we are. Fast forward to the present. And a life without you is the life that I need the most. I used to think that being without you would have me feeling incomplete and uneasy. But I feel all of those things now that you’re still in my life.
You can go ahead and call me selfish if you want. Even I know that I’m being selfish by feeling all these things that I’m feeling. I know that I’m selfish for not wanting you to stay. But is that really unfair? Is it really bad for me to be selfish? Wouldn’t you be the one acting selfish if you just forced me to stay with you?
I can’t stay. Gradually, I’m gathering the strength that I need for me to walk away. I’m not afraid of going. I’m not afraid of being alone. The thought of emerging back into the single life doesn’t intimidate me. The thought of no longer having you around doesn’t scare me. I know, in my deepest core, that a separation is inevitable. A separation is necessary. I don’t know if it’s necessary for you but I sure as hell know that it’s necessary for me.
I used to tell you that I loved you on a consistent basis. At first, it was a true and genuine expression of my emotions. I don’t ever want you to doubt that I was lying. My feelings were real and so were the expressions of my feeling. I wasn’t lying to you whenever I told you that I loved you. But over time, the words started to lose their luster their meaning. I kept saying it even though I didn’t necessarily feel so strongly about those things anymore. I saw it as more of a duty than it was a pleasure. It slowly turned into a habit that I couldn’t break instead of a spontaneous show of affection. I only started to tell you that I loved you because I knew that that was what I was programmed to say not necessarily because I needed or wanted to say it.
Don’t think that it isn’t difficult for me to be placed into this situation because it is. I’m not a cold and heartless human being. I know how much this is going to hurt you and you may not even deserve it. Heck, no one deserves to be heartbroken. But when it comes to the matters of the heart, we don’t always have full control of things. So here I am lying in my bed; still choosing to ignore your message. I hope that you’ll eventually get the point. I hope that you will eventually be okay with me leaving you. I hope that you will accept that I just fell out of love with you.