Husband Asks If He’s Wrong for Not Wanting to Adopt a Child His Wife Conceived in an Affair

Cheating breaks people, it destroys relationships and it ruins lives. Today’s Reddit story is one of the strangest ones we’ve come across. It’s about a man who asked a question on AITA (Am I the A**hole?) to find out if he’s right or wrong. His wife wanted him to adopt a child she conceived while having an affair.

Reddit user NotAdoptingHerBaby asked his question:

“I (27M) used to have a wonderful relationship with the woman I love (26F). However, five years ago, she got drunk, had a one night stand, and got pregnant from it. Can’t be mine, I can’t have kids due to a horseback riding injury when I was a teen. Didnt get the guys name, no way to find him, so he’s out of the picture. My wife decided to keep it, and we almost went through a divorce, but couples therapy made us decide to try again. We’re still in therapy now, since I still have a hard time trusting her.”

“So, she had her son. We talked a lot about it, and I made it clear that I’m ok taking on a step-parent role, but I wasnt willing to fully be his dad. I wouldnt adopt him, but I would help raise him and get him off to college. My wife agreed to this, became a stay at home mom so she could take care of him with help from her parents, and I’ve pretty much been the fun uncle like guy. I play with him, buy him games, try my best to not resent him (and I am in therapy for this), and mostly just stay out of the way of my wife’s parenting. He even calles me “Uncle,” instead of dad. He knows I’m not his father, and is just happy to play video games with me and chill.”

“Well, recently, my wife has started talking about me adopting him, something I’m not willing to do. I made it clear that if anything happened, he would go live with her parents, and I’d send child support. If they couldn’t take him, I wouldnt put him in foster care or anything, but I also wasnt willing to take on the responsibility of being his father when I’m not. I’m happy being an Uncle to another man’s kid, since thats what life threw at me.”

“This has greatly upset her, and she’s trying to find a way to force me into adopting him. She’s even been manipulating the poor kid, saying he should start calling me dad instead of uncle like he has his entire life, which is upsetting and confusing the poor boy. This situation has worked for the last 5 years, and I dont know why she’s trying to change something that isnt broken, or force me into a role I told her years ago I wasnt willing to accept, which she was fine with until just recently.”

After receiving a lot of responses from the Reddit community, he added an update on his post:

“Update – after reading everything, I told my wife I was leaving and pursuing that divorce. I think I’ve been ready to do so for a while, but just needed the push. This has led to a complete melt down, but I stayed firm, packed everything up, and moved in with my brother across town. I have already contact the landlord to tell him I would pay for 2 more months rent. After that, everything needs to be switched to her.”

“Talking to my lawyer, it was verified that, due to the process I went through after the birth to establish I wasnt the father, I would not have to pay child support or alimony, which is something very rare and uncommon anyway where I live. He’s already working on the paperwork. No idea when it’ll all happen, but once it does I’ll cut full contact.”

“My wife has tried to call and text multiple times, but I’ve refused to talk. I’ll post another update when I know more.”

The Responses

This is a strange one to figure out. In all of the Reddit stories we’ve covered, this is the first one that made the majority of Reddit’s community say ESH (Everyone Sucks Here,) while some of them said NTA – Not the A**hole. Here are some of the top comments:

ShmamBo88 said:

“ESH. Everything about this is pretty terrible. Her cheating. You purposefully distancing yourself from the child, who is not yours through no fault of his own, not to mention you being the only father figure he’s ever know. Dad’s don’t need to be blood. You all sound like a**holes. Except the little one obviously, who I just feel so sorry for. Sort your sh*t out for his sake.”

guiltypleasure39 commented:

“You may want to check with an attorney. Regardless of whether or not he is your biological child, you HAVE been raising and supporting him. Even if you dont adopt him, he’s likely yours in the eyes of the court.”

“That said….NTA. You had an agreement, you supported her decision to keep the baby, you worked through her infidelity. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.”

IWatchBadTV said:

“ESH This is a mess. You should not adopt a child you don’t want. He should have a parent or parents who are enthusiastic. But you also are putting them in an bad position by planning to be present while demonstrating what I can only call a wedge between you and your wife where the child witnesses it. But this is her fault as well. She entered an agreement that she might have assumed would be temporary. But she shouldn’t have. And no child should be foisted upon someone reluctant to commit to parenting them”

This post has over 1.3k comments, you can read them all on Reddit here.

What’s Your Take?

What’s your take on this man’s situation? Do you think he did the right thing or not? Would you say ESH or NTA? Share your take in the comments below!

Source: RedditAITA for not adopting my wife’s child?

  1. My honest opinion is you both are a**holes. Her for cheating definitely but that boy doesn’t deserve anything less then 2 parents if you couldn’t except him as your son and truly forgive then you should of left when she cheated. The only one who is getting shit on here is that little boy

  2. Don’t make the child pay for the sins of his parents.
    You ahould have left when she cheated or at the very least when she told you she was pregnant.
    You have been fun uncle to this child. Please for the child sake continue to be fun uncle. You said he knows your not his dad but he needs a strong male figure in his life. If mom will let your continue in his life please do.

  3. Every child is a blessing! The husband needs to open his heart fully to his “aquired” son, and fully forgive his wife, if a strong family unit is going to exist. Otherwise, they should probably separate.
    However, the child is innocent in all of this, and should continue to receive time, attention, love (or deep fondness, if not love) from the dad-figure. And, since he was helping to raise and to support the child, he should continue to help with the cost of raising him, until such time the woman finds a new partner (if she chooses to) in the future. I hope both adults find the happiness they likely deserve, and that they both treat the boy with care and appreciation for the beautiful little soul that he is. Good luck, all!

    1. The guy is a saint for not kicking her cheating butt out BUT he should’ve just walked away. Stay as uncle if you so desire but anything else she wants she should find her baby daddy … oh wait, where did he go again?

  4. You made a deal she now wants to change it and u still dont u do play games with the kid but truth to be told u r just tolerating him and maybe enjoying a bit but u dont like the kid u dont love the kid so u are totally indifferent if he is out of your life
    u decided to stay with her even when u knew she cheated
    u decided to play the uncle role even when u dident want to
    by doing all this u attached them to u even more when u had the perfect reason to let them both go not ur problem to start with but u kept them
    being called a father in my opinion is not by blood nor by taking care of the child is actually loving and caring and worrying about him u have 0 feelings other than the feeling he makes u feel that is the fun uncle sorry to say this from my view you r the selfish uncle
    she did 1 mistake and u have been punishing her for 5 years already and still willing to punish her
    she may be afraid that if something happens to her the child will have no body she cares about the child thats y she is a mother
    u should not adopt the child if u dont want to
    but u should not have played this game from the start
    she cheated u were not ok she was also pregnant but u still wanted to keep and now u are pissed and mad that things are evolving thats how life works surprise nth stays the same
    so u need to put everything in the balance all the ups and downs taking into consideration the good and the bads and give a final decision just bear in mind that the child already does not have a father he would not want a step father or an uncle that despises him he did nothing wrong

    1. You are so right. He decided to stay so he’s also to blame for this. Smh.. I don’t even know how she allowed him to be so ugly to them. I would have told him to leave a long time ago. He should have left when he found out she was pregnant.

  5. You had one foot out the door from the day you found out she cheated. You have never been all in despite the therapy, and you have never fully forgiven her. That does not make you a bad person, it is just you and how you feel. It is not fair to the innocent child that you stayed, and are now disappearing when he is old enough to understand and blame himself..More therapy bills !!! Just saying !! Wife should NOT have cheated !!! But she did, but just feel you should have decided a lot sooner that you couldn’t handle it, and left because you are NOT just figuring this out.

  6. WOW!! How can you say she cheated on you?? Were you in a relationship with her when she got pregnant? ( if so, then she cheated)
    If I were her, I would not want my child around you– I can imagine the vibes you give off concerning the child— you KNEW abt her son when you got married– at that time, if you had been honest with yourself knowing how you felt, why did the marriage take place?
    This is just my personal take on this, I would not have agreed to marry you if you could not love my child!

    1. You sound like our society when it comes to a woman and her infidelity. You’re giving her a pass for cheating on him and creating another child when they were married. This is her fault point blank in the discussion. No I agree that when he found out about the pregnancy and her keeping it he should’ve left there because it’s not the child’s fault he does not have to stay with her to still have a relationship with this child and for some of you to think he does is ludicrous! Men we go hard on them women cheat we let them play the victim card

    2. They were already married when she cheated on him! She had a strangers baby and expects her husband to raise him. No way. Sorry kid, but not everyone is meant to be a parent and this guy doesn’t owe her or the boy anything. She made a decision that night, that ruined her marriage. He tried, because he loves her, not the baby he didn’t conceive. I would’ve left her, but he stayed. This will never work, he feels no love for the boy and does not trust his wife. Best decision is to end the relationship.

  7. While I get that you stated that you wouldn’t be the kids father, staying with her and 5 years later still not trusting her is kind of an issue. You’ve let the kid get attached to you, if you didn’t want this you should have cut her off when it happened.

    I think both of you need to get your shit together. First and foremost is the kid they are the top priority here. What you & the mom want really is 2nd here since both of you put the child into the situation. The child’s needs need to be met.

  8. Poor boy
    Didn’t realise a father had to be blood and so got board playing uncle poor kid didn’t ask to be brought into the mess maybe the horse riding accident was a blessing in itself jeez beggers belief

  9. Joseph wasn’t Jesus’ biological father, but he still took him on as his son and raised him. This is a shame by all parties that this poor child has to be the victim of all this tension, anger and resentment. He was brought into this world and will obviously have a hard life, but God has a plan for everyone for the good. I hope his wife learned her lesson of betraying her husband and move on to find someone else who will love her and her son. I hope this man moves on and learns to trust again and find love. 🙏❤️

  10. Your wife messed up big time, it hurts…
    Follow your heart men for your own sanity
    Those who are saying you are not being fair they are living the fact that this happened when you get married not before marriage

  11. Was a DNA test ever done? I know what you said about the accident, but stranger things have happened, men who thought they “couldn’t” actually “did”. Even vasectomies have been known to fail. And you accepted this situation for 5 years before deciding you couldn’t deal with it anymore after being goaded by social media. Yeah, you started off sounding like a mature adult, but in totality, you are being a bit of an azz.

  12. Have to do what’s best for you. At this point you made it clear what your expectations were and now she is manipulating to get you to sign for a kid that isn’t yours and one you made it clear you don’t want a part of.
    This isn’t your burden to bear. Keep speaking with your lawyer, get those papers signed, and hopefully one day you’ll meet a loyal woman. NTA

  13. Because my ex was a very kind man, my two older children were raised by a strong and caring individual. They’re grown adults and even though they were never his responsibility, he is still in their lives and enjoying being the grandpa their biological fathers can not brag about.
    “Any man can be a Father, but it takes someone Special to be a Dad.”

  14. NTA. Everybody judging you without a bit if consideration of what you feel. Someone will call you an asshole, whatever decision you’ll make. Do what’s best for you. If you’ll listen to everyday’s opinion and stay being the boy’s daddy, you’ll probably become a bigger asshole to that child sooner or later as you already have resentment on what happened. Let the mother sleep in the bed bed she made, let the child be free from future arguments about his origin and let yourself be free from your pent up frustration. I know you’ve got a lot. If you’re at peace with your decision at the end of the day, then you’ve made the right choice.

  15. I assume at some point toward the end of your life, the “daddy/Uncle’ will hope to go to heaven. The bible plainly says (Mark 11:25)if you can’t forgive others who have sinned against you, your father in heaven can’t forgive you. Forgiveness is a big thing to God. If you can’t accept this blameless child for something his mother did, you have clearly never forgiven her for this. Forgiveness is something you should do for yourself because otherwise, unforgiveness sets up residence in your head and hurts you the most. You’ve said you forgave your wife and worked though it. This little guy deserves to keep the father figure in his life because God knows that he needs a father figure whether you call yourself that or not. Your wife should not push you to call yourself his father but you both made an agreement to continue with the child. Just because he isn’t yours does not prelude your ability to love him. That is a choice you could choose to make….maybe if for no other reason than wanting to be there for someone beside yourself. You should sit your wife down and tell her you are willing to follow your original agreement air she is willing to follow her original agreement because both your decisions affect this little guys future life adjustment. Many people would not pass up the chance to be there for a minor child. It sounds as if both of you are selfish in different degrees. A famous saying said the purpose of living is to plant trees under whole shade I never expect to sit . You and you wife have raised this child, and both your actions could lead to ruining this child’s life. I think you need to do the adult thing and stay together to raise the boy to become someone you can be proud of. We often don’t get a second chance and when you are old, it is too late to try to go back and undo the dame you might do to this boy.

  16. I think it’s ridiculous that you stayed with her and agreed to raise the child, it’s give years later and you’re acting like a turd. Has she remained faithful since the one night stand? If so then let it go! You said you can’t have kids.. You get blessed with one – God doesn’t make mistakes, even if your wife did.. And then you shun the kid you raised for 5 years. Go ahead and divorce. You don’t DESERVE that precious child.. ARE the a hole at this point..

  17. nTA – she cheated the result is a child that is her responsibility not yours – you accepted the infidelity but now she’s forcing you to adopt this child ! Hell no ! She’s done enough to you already it’s time for her to deal with her consequences – move on with your life !

  18. I will pray for all that is involved but this child does not need hate in his life, you either love his mom forgive her and move on and be a father to him or you should have left in the begining. Since you stayed in their lives I feel like you should continue or just admit that you did not love her in the first place. Furthermore you need a DNA test you may be surprised he could be your bio. child then how would you feel.

  19. NTA, BUT Wow, what a mess. I would have left the minute she wanted to keep the child…. knowing full well you did not want children… good luck with the divorce.

  20. Not being able to have your own child, since you supposedly forgave your wife, this was your chance to be a father; and you’ve thrown it away. You should have left the moment you found out. By staying all you’ve done is given your wife hope of a real family and made that child feel less for not being yours. Shame on you!

  21. This whole situation is the result of HER manipulations. How convenient that she had ONE drunken one night stand, and came up pregnant. I mean, what are the chances? Could it be that she WANTED to get pregnant? Did she know at the time that you are sterile? Frankly, I understand your lack of trust. I certainly wouldn’t trust her. What’s more, I think that you have already gone above and beyond where the child is concerned. And her telling the child to start calling you daddy is just more of her manipulation.
    As for the child, and so many people giving you a hard time about him, children’s parents go through divorce all the time. It is just a sad fact of life. But one that many children have navigated just fine. He is not your child, biologically or legally. Don’t agree to any form of child support, or that may tangle you up legally.
    Your wife has made a lot of bad decisions here. You tried to forgive and forget, but having the living, breathing reminder of her infidelity under your own roof is ludicrous. I would have divorced her when she admitted to the pregnancy. And I suspect that should you stay, and adopt that boy, she’ll have another drunken one night stand resulting in pregnancy. At that point you’d already have accepted that behavior, so why wouldn’t you accept it a second time? She is a manipulator, and can not be trusted.
    My advice to you is to follow through with the divorce. You should also understand that the pressure to get back together, and for you to adopt the child, will be an issue for quite some time if you decide to continue any contact with her and the child. She will absolutely try to manipulate you into it. So think long, and hard, about whether you want to deal with that, as well as the stress it will cause the child. I think making a clean break will probably hurt the child less than you trying to have any kind of relationship with him after the divorce. Because the boy’s mother obviously won’t care about the confusion and pain. If she did, she wouldn’t be telling him to call you daddy knowing full well that you don’t want to be his daddy.

  22. Seems to me that the HUSBAND tried to do the right thing, by staying while the WIFE cheated on him. If it was my husband cheating on me? HELL NO would I ever trust him again. It’s not the kids fault but he knows who’s who, and eventually he will figure out what happened and draw his own conclusions. As to the people condemning the husband for not wanting his name on the birthcertificate? I think he is doing the right thing. It’s not his kid, he tried to make it work and it didn’t. In the long run, living in a one parent home with (hopefully, but very doubtful) one responsible adult instead of 2 bickering adults, will be much better. NTA!

  23. NTA- you tried, even after you learned of her betrayal. You tried. But some things are just to hard to get past. The child will know he is resented. You do whats right for you. The wife made her bed, now she has to lay in it. The child needs loved by both parents. Not loved by one and resented by the other.

  24. In my eyes he’s a thousand percent right it’s not his fault that his wife cheated not his fault that she decided to keep it even though they had stipulation saying that he would not take responsibility nor adopt for her to try to push it on him is so messed up and so many different ways and for people to be like oh that child’s a blessing yeah sure easy for you to say when you haven’t been suckered into taken care of somebody’s who isn’t yours who didn’t want like you guys are garbage you think that kids such a blessing why don’t you adopt it for you to be like oh it’s okay for you to be trapped into something need to have their heads reevaluated that’s a child not a small purchase or anything like that it sucks for the baby but it’s not the baby’s fault the mom’s a w****

  25. I understand the trust issue however if you are attached to the child, maybe the Universe gave you that chance to experience fatherhood despite your accident and you are not taking it. But I am not in your shoes. It’s between you and your conscience.

  26. I see you have no explanation for the cheating, I would ask about that first. why was she so unhappy with you that she sought out another. You have to take responsibility for that part not just play the blame game, saying it’s all on her. That poor boy, he will always feel your underlying resentment. tragic he deserves so much better. you agreed to this arrangement and now you think you can just run when it gets tough. Do YOU not realize the world is full of men who leave after the divorce and never pay support or see their own biological children. You are just as bad as them. you supported him all these years it will not be so easy to make the court see things yr way. You may be forced to pay because you agreed to that knowing he was not yours, in the marriage. and where do you live that does not do any child support enforcement? putting an unnecessary burden on all the females in that state, we need to know.

  27. You are the only father this child has. Not step-father. Only father. It would be different if there was a father around, but there is not. You decided to stay married to your wife and so legally you are the father. Unless another man comes to prove he is the father most states provide for husband of the mother are the father until some else is proven by DNA to be the father. What you are doing is psychologically damaging this child by living in the home and being emotionally unavailable to the child because of your wife’s choice to have a baby with someone else and keep it and your choice to stay with her in the marriage. Poor child. He has two dysfunctional parents.

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