Wife Asks If She’s Wrong for Refusing to Pay for Husband & His Family at Restaurant

Every couple needs financial transparency with each other long before they decide to marry – it is one of the most vital parts of a healthy relationship. When finances aren’t managed, things can go incredibly wrong.

Such is the case with today’s Reddit post where a wife had to go through an ordeal because of her husband and his family.

The Story

Redditor Valley-Mountains3453 posted her scenario on AITA (Am I the A**hole?) asking whether she did the right thing or not. She said:

“Title sound bad I know but I’ll let you decide who’s in the wrong.”

“To begin, My husband and I don’t share finances, it’s been like this for the 3 years of our marriage and so far we’ve been doing well, though he’d sometimes try to get me to pay for him but I do it only when I want to do a nice thing for him, say invite him to a restaurant.”

“This past week, he got a bonus at work, he was overjoyed he informed his entire family and planned for them to go out and celebrate with us. He picked the restaurant, meals, drinks etc, I naturally thought he was going to pay for all that since, it’s his happy celebration. But it turns out I was wrong because when it was time to pay the bill, he told me to “take care of it” I said why? It’s his celebration not mine but he insisted I pay and he’ll explain later. I refused and demanded an explanation, he said that while yes he is the one who got bonus, but he assumed I’d want to celebrate that and offer to cover the bill. when I talked about how ridiculous it was of him to assume I’d pay for not just his, but his family’s meals he said that I should be happy for him instead of being visibly bitter. He then said he’s yet to receive his bonus and begged that I take care of the bill now and he “might” consider paying me back later. I refused and only paid for what I consumed. Him and his family started talking about how inappropriate I was acting, I took my purse and went home afterwards cause there was so much commotion when they started arguing who’s going to cover the bill.”

“His mom spam called me for hours, and he went off on me at home saying I spoiled his celebration and joy because I’m feeling bitter, especially considering I had enough money to cover the bill right there and then. I said this wasn’t my obligation and he was the one who came up with the celebration idea. He argued that if the roles were reversed and I got a bonus, he’d celebrate me and my achievements and pay for the “damn” meals after taking me and my family out. I casually said “well, that’s just you not me”. He got even more pissed and said that he had had it with my juvenile antics and that he won’t ever forget the scene I made at the restaurant infront of his family. Been upset with me for days now.”

After receiving tremendous support, she updated her post.

“Update: Wow! too many responses here you guys and I’m seeing a variety of judgements! Just so you know my husband just got home and I’m going to show him these responses right now. I’ll update with his opinion soon. Thanks.”

“Update: We just got into an argument. I showed him what I posted and he lost it on me, I accept my judgment but he won’t, he said..and I quote “these people have no idea” and said that I should’ve mentioned that I make more money than him (not that much and I don’t think it justifies it) and that he had paid the bill for me in the past when I forgot my wallet but I did pay him back so, He’s pretty pissed right though he kept laughing sarcastically when reading some of the comments, he just walked out of the kitchen to take a phone call and said he’ll be back. I’m still here with the dog waiting to see how this goes. I’ll update if there’s any new info.”

The Responses

Reddit’s community fully supported this woman for doing what she did. For context, NTA means “Not the A**hole.” Here are some of the top comments:

TheQuixoticTribble said:

“NTA. It’s common knowledge that you do not invite people to dinner and then expect them to pay for everyone else. You don’t trap your spouse in awkward situations like that, either.”

“He said the celebration was for his bonus. He invited everyone to eat out. Both if these, especially combined, imply that he’s going to pay. He purposely set you up, and then he got his family in on it.”

“He’s using you, to the point where I would argue that this is financial abuse, especially since he’s done things like this before. I would take a careful look at this relationship and see if it’s going to work. I would insist on couples counseling if I were you. Counseling, at the very least.”

charley_warlzz wrote:

“I think you two have bigger issues here that should’ve been dealt with before you got married.”

“But NTA.”

shelballama commented:

“NTA. You guys have separate finances, he didn’t ask you beforehand. This was wildly tacky and presumptuous of him.”

“The ‘maybe I’ll pay you back’ really sealed it for me. What a tool”

This post has over 3000 comments, you can read them on Reddit here.

What’s Your Take?

What’s your take on this wife’s situation? Share your take in the comments below.

Source: Reddit

  1. It doesn’t matter how much you make. HE decided to have a party and invite people, that was on HIM. I could see taking my husband out to celebrate and picking up the check, I could see picking up the check if I were the one who initiated the invitations. Beyond that, ummm nope.

  2. If you do truly love him then you will have to accept this situation because he isn’t going to change.

  3. That’s his fault he should have discussed it with you first instead of just springing it on you at the last minute. He knew you wouldn’t have paid for it if he would’ve discussed it with you earlier

  4. Absolutely you’re NTA. He who makes the invite will foot the bill. You can chip in but not to the point where you will pay for everything. Can’t believe he set you up in front of his family, making you the bad person?! And to top it off, he and his family guilt tripping you is a RED FLAG. If you know that you will cover the bill of course you will limit the invites. I’m so mad at your husband rn, it’s 12am in my country! hahah

  5. Doesnt a married couple put their money’s together as a family ? Or has that gone by the wayside too..what happened to sharing ? In marriage there’s no such thing as a “I or Me”..no wonder marriages don’t last…

  6. It was “his” celebration, his invite”, for a monetary work bonus. He should have conferred with you prior to who was going to pay for his family or waited until he received his bonus, so he could fulfil his invitation. I feel if he was expecting you to pay, he should have consulted you prior to not making a scene at the restaurant in front of guests and staff.
    It’s hard to believe you are married and each responsible for your own finances. You each must have had bills; the other didn’t want to be responsible for and made that agreement. I think it was an incredibly wise decision or the other could get stuck with the other previous debt. I do feel he is in the wrong, and his family must not have known you weren’t a party in planning this party prematurely to him receiving his bonus. The fact he made a statement he “may pay you back” would have burned me as well. It truly sounds as though he still isn’t a responsible adult, and acts before thinking or considering others, especially his wife. Stand your ground, and if he continued, I would consider ending the relationship, for he is only going to take you down with him.

  7. Same as all the rest. He never should have invited his family to dinner if he had no intention of paying for the meal. He should have discussed it with you before hand and told you that he had gotten a bonus but it wasn’t in his paycheck yet, sleeze ball. If he can pay you back, why didn’t he wait to take the family out? I think you did the right thing. I would have left him with the bill also. And I would have told his mother, it was none of her business and to stay out of it and blocked her calls. If my husbands family would have done that to me, I would have left him with the bill or tell the waiter separate checks and then when he got home. Never let anyone treat you like that. He’s worried about the scene you made, what about what he did? He just wanted to be the “big man” to his family showing them that he thought he was the boss.

  8. Yea this is a very akward and weird thing because essentially you and your husband are responding to each other with very high, pointed, yet seemingly unspoken expectations and it seem’s as if you both are feeling that the other deValue’s them, neither of you seem’s to view the other as your equal.
    firstly, no he should not have invited everyone out to celebrate a bonus and not at least having discussed with you first the money situation. that was tacky and TELLING you to do something Vs asking is a NO im guessing there are some serious insecurities on his part about the monetary value he brings to relationship, as historically men view money as power and power as control.
    however your lack of interest, your even somewhat dismissive or ambivalent responses to his excitement about his bonus do suggest not necessarily bitterness but more so i gain i sense of you being unimpressed ….it reads as if you didn’t see the bonus as a cause for celebration or excitement, and perhaps you didn’t . That doesn’t suggest a lack of support or care, but sometimes we as people (men in particular) will sometimes (silently ) seek stamps of approval from those who’s opinions matter most. when its not given or shown in visiable way it can cause the seeker to feel very much rejected and abandoned, thier accomplishment basically nothing. its alot ………and yes if that is not where your head is , it can feel like an unfair attitude being pushed onto you, …….in essence you both caused public scenes ( Him in front of his family, you here online ) and you both seem to be communicating with others more than each other ……and lack of transparency and the thought that every disagreement has to end with a winner and loser, is driving you apart…my advice , stop talking to us …start talking to each other and perhaps a couple’s counselor for both separate and joint sessions. an impartial mediator can def be more helpful than a biased family or an even more biased internet…….i hope things work out, best of luck to you both

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