Motherhood is one of the hardest tasks in the world – but it’s also one of the most rewarding. But when a woman is meant to raise a child at a very young age, she’s oftentimes not prepared to do so. Such is today’s story of a woman who made a few mistakes in her early life and is still suffering the consequences.
The Story
A Redditor named SheIsBetterWithoutMe posted her story on AITA (Am I the A**hole?) to share what happened to her and how her daughter is now estranged. She wrote:
“So, I was probably a month over eighteen when I got pregnant. My boyfriend was very controlling, always yelled, screamed and after were married it got even worse. I stayed with him for eight years and I ended up falling in love with my current husband Arthur during that time. I know we were wrong to have an affair and I deserve hate for that. I mean, it cost me my daughter Sophia (now 21).”
“I should have been stronger and just left my ex cause I doubt he even needed to brainwash her to make her hate me. I tried to be there, I tried to fight for shared custody but Sophia wanted nothing to do with me. After my ex got remarried, Sophia got a great stepmother who she asked to legally adopt her when she turned fifteen. I didn’t want it to happen and wanted to fight it but if me being her mom hurt her so much she wanted a new one, I let it because it was my fault and I’d already lost her long ago.”
“After she legally stopped being my daughter, I reconnected with Arthur, we got married, had a daughter and I’m pregnant with our boy right now. I’d still see Sophia since she’d go to my mom’s house a lot cause that was still her grandma even if I’m not her mom. My mom, however, died two weeks ago and it’s caused a lot of chaos in everybody’s lives. Now, we have that weird tradition where the eldest daughter gets a collection of special necklaces. I was the eldest, so I got my mom’s special necklaces and wore one to her funeral just like she did to her mom’s funeral.”
“At the funeral, when Sophia saw me, she shook my hand like I was a stranger and just said ‘Sorry for your loss Mrs. Rey’. Then after the funeral she pulled me aside and asked if she would be allowed to take some of a necklace early because she’d like to wear it to the wake. I just told her no, that the necklaces are mine and after me, they’d belong to my daughter, because she is the eldest in my family. She just said ok and didn’t talk to me at the wake except to say thanks for when I gave her my mother’s much more valuable rings. My brother told me I should have let her have some of the necklaces and I was an a**hole not to. The thing is, my mother was the last thing tying Sophia to me, so I don’t see how I’m the a**hole for what I did.”
The Responses
Reddit’s community was on the fence about this one. A lot of them said NTA – Not the A**hole. While others said YTA – You’re the A**hole. Here are some of the comments:
ChapSteve711 commented:
“NTA. Sophia may be your daughter by blood, but she is no longer your daughter in any other sense of the word. Because she no longer wants to be your daughter, your heirlooms should go to children who will view you as their mother.”
“If your brother wants to give Sophia some of his things, let him. He doesn’t get to dictate to you, and he’s an AH for trying. Tell him where to stuff it.”
Milly-Molly-Mandy-78 said:
“NTA. You made some poor decisions long ago. Your ex being the biggest one, but your eldest daughter has made her own decisions, calling you Mrs Rey must have hurt. I hope you all can move on in time.”
faieree wrote:
“NTA she doesn’t see you as a mother legally or emotionally, let alone family. So she doesn’t qualify as a daughter, you were kind enough to give her the rings.”
onlyangel96 chimed in:
“I’m gonna get downvoted but YTA. You could try acting like a mother now since you didn’t for all of Sophia’s childhood. She’s still your daughter. You were the one that made the bad choices and it’s entirely on you how this relationship has gotten messed up. It would absolutely not hurt for you to give her a necklace and for you to say that she won’t get them because she isn’t the oldest (WHEN SHE IS) is BS.”
moew4974 said:
“OMG, YTA.”
“You made a lot of choices and decisions, but never once have you stepped up for this child. You let your feelings regarding your ex husband color how you felt about YOUR child and just because she got a stepmother, you felt like you should just give her up? Lady, you’re a piece of work. You are acting like you didn’t carry her and didn’t raise her for eight (8) years! What is wrong with you? Forget the relationship with you, but she did have a relationship with your mother and she was your mother’s eldest granddaughter. For that she should have been given the necklaces.”
This post has over 1.5k comments at the time of writing this post, you can read them all on Reddit here.
What’s Your Take?
Which side are you on? Do you think she did the right thing or not? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Source: Reddit
Definitely YTA. At the age of 8, she was a child and they go from loving to hating a parent in 1.0 secs hundreds of times a day. You may have given her up with no regard but it seems your mother didn’t feel the same and kept in close contact with her. For her to know about the tradition, your mother must have talked to her and explained she would be getting them. I would be ashamed of myself for being so petty. You are a piece of work.
The daughter is now an adult. She also had an obligation to behave as an adult which she didn’t/
Yes her mother might have had a relationship with the granddaughter but she did nothing to help the situation between the 2. If the grandmother wanted the granddaughter to have anything she should have put it in writing. She must not have. So why is this the bio moms fault.
The daughter is an adult now she needs to grow up and realize she wouldn’t be in this world if it was for her bio mom.
If she is going to treat her like a stranger than she doesn’t deserve to be given jewelry from the grandmother.
NTA I have lived this story, except it was the other way around. I was adopted along with my sibling to my Aunt and Uncle. My aunt really didn’t want me. but it was ok. Uncle made up for it. But It should not be on the parent. Sometimes the child should take responsibility. At 10 years. I knew I wanted nothing to do with my real mother. I stayed that way till I was in my forties. so no sometimes it should be the child to take responsibility for their own actions. especially when she had the other woman adopt her. that had to have really hurt her mom really bad. but she did it to make her daughter happy.
Yes, you are very much an A hole.And a terrible mother.You just dug that knife in a little deeper…just because you could.You need therapy.
Why put all the blame on the mother? Think YOU are an A hole!
So do you. This woman has been though enough. You have not been in her shoes don’t judge her it is not your place
You ARE NOT the AH. You were young when you had her and her father totally turned her against you even before the divorce. She doesn’t acknowledge you as her mom (if she ever did), so why allow her in on the traditional things when you have a daughter who actually loves you and views you as a mother? You gave her rings to remember her grandmother by. That’s enough. Some people don’t even get that much. Don’t listen to the other family members. They haven’t walked in your shoes. Keep those necklaces for the young lady who loves you.
Your daughter has never once asked U your side of the story and yr ex is pathetic for brainwashing a child because he feels like the victim. People only cheat coz there is something missing from their relationship an it takes 2 to create a a beautiful or disatrous relationship. She has also relinquished her rights as your daughter an that includes your heirlooms. U can’t just pick an choose when U want to be a part of a family especially for wealth or material gains she choose to legally remove herself from your family so that includes inheritances etcetera you are not the arsehole but your ex husband is for manipulating brainwashing a child that is just pathetic and is child abuse. But your daughter should realise there are two sides to every story and she did not once asked yours everyone makes mistakes but they should never be punished like that so why should your daughter that actually wants to be your daughter miss out on her inheritance for someone who chose not to your daughter. And besides you acted like to be a person by still giving her rings don’t feel bad this world is an ugly place and death brings out the ugliest in people.
You did awesome.. you gave her rings worth more then the necklace and she isn’t part of the family.. her choice.
NTA… Sophia chose not to be your daughter anymore n chose her stepmother as her mother. Granted you n your ex’s choices in life obviously affected n influenced Sophia’s choices, but you DID give her the rings n I’d personally feel the necklaces are for the children who are in fact YOUR daughter not just through blood, but ALSO legally! And I believe even if Sophia went to court n I could be wrong however since she is “legally” no longer your daughter then she no longer has the legal benefit of the traditional beliefs you family n mother believe in. You were kind enough to give her some of the rings so that’s the end of it. Unless your mom specifically asked you to give her a particular necklace in her will or even if your mom asked you without it being in the will; ultimately it’s your decision. Your brother doesn’t understand n is the AH himself n unless he’s been through what you’ve had to go through with a vengeful ex then he should keep his mouth shut cause it’s not his business nor are the reasons for the decisions you make! Good luck with everything n again you made the right choice.
I think you should think of what your mother would have wanted, she evidently still viewed her as your oldest daughter, don’t hold grudges against her for how she was raised, you had an affair on her father, despite his behavior that still happened and you two split and it caused problems. Just my opinion.
No she does not deserve NO jewelry.
You are in the right
I won’t say a yes or no to the answer. We all handle things differently. We all make poor choices. However, I have been married to a narcissistic man before and I know all to well how they love to try to turn your children against you. You gave her your moms rings. Those should still mean something. When you love someone, material items mean something but not as much as having them with you. I would have been thankful for the rings if my bio dad had given me some. I don’t call him dad but still. So don’t let the opinions of others even matter. As for those that are judging, you don’t know if this woman was there for her child or not! So put your fingers down and shut up! You have no idea what that young woman’s real issue is with her mother and why she feels the need to be a little witch. Ugh judgemental ass people!
You are not the asshole, if your mother wanted her to get something, knowing the situation, she would have put it in writing somewhere. Also, she didn’t deserve the rings, either. She has no respect for you and for that matter, it was YOUR MOTHER, she gave up her family, long ago!!!
Ignore the comments of yta because you’re not. If they had read your story at all they would have seen that you had tried with your daughter but your ex had manipulated her by that point already. And there is only so much you can do with an abuser. She is legally not your child anymore so you’re correct that the necklaces go to your oldest which is now the other daughter. You tried fighting to keep her but she didn’t want that so this is what she gets. And you gave her rings even tho you didn’t have to. So I think your bro and ex daughter can both shove it.