There is just so much pressure for me to stay strong all of the time and I’m so tired of it. I am so tired of always having to brand myself as someone who is resilient and sturdy. I can really feel the ache of my bones and the weariness of my heart. I am just so tired of having to make people believe that I never bend and that I never break. I am so sick and tired of pretending that nothing gets to me; that I have no problems in my life. I am so sick of trying to make it seem like I don’t go through any struggles or hardships. I don’t think that I would be able to go on pretending that I don’t have my fair share of vulnerabilities and insecurities. I don’t think that I can hide my mortality any longer.
Throughout my life, I have always felt like I was capable of getting whatever I wanted. I always believed that I was capable of achieving anything that I set my mind to. But lately, it’s been the total opposite. Lately, I have come to realize that I have limitations. And not just some limitations. I have a lot of them. I have come to realize that I am not as invincible as I want to be and I’m tired of having to pursue that traits. I may not get everything that I want in life after all. I may not achieve everything that I set out to do. Perhaps my efforts are not going to be enough to get me everything that I could possibly want from this life. I have always had a strong admiration and liking for people who act strong and independent. But it turns out that I may not have it within me to be just like these people that I admire so greatly. Maybe I never had it in me to begin with.
I know that everything and everyone has limits. And I genuinely believe that I have already reached mine. I tried my best to hold on for as long as I possibly could. I sprinted until I could no longer pump breath into my lungs. I stood tall despite having to bear so much weight on my back. But eventually, my knees had started to buckle Eventually, my legs caved in and I could no longer support myself and the tasks that I decided to place on my shoulders. Life was just dealing too many blows and I wasn’t strong enough to handle them. I was overwhelmed by the sheer speed and intensity of everything that was going on around me. And little by little, all of the joy, love, happiness, and fulfilment that I felt was being sapped right out of me. Little by little, I lost everything in this life that was worth smiling about. And now, all I have left is me and my personal shortcomings. All I have know are the reminders of my flaws and blemishes. I have no choice but to break down and cry at this point. I have no choice but to just let everything crumble. I have hit rock bottom and it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. But I also know that this is an opportunity for me to start fresh. I know that this is a chance for me to rebuild my life again. I know that this is a chance for me to regain my strength and come back as tough as ever.
Currently, I feel like I’m not allowed to shed any tears and I’m not even sure if I have any left to cry. I feel like there is an immense pressure for me to keep it all together even when all I want to do is break down and crawl into the corner to mourn my old self. People are always expecting me to be strong and formidable at all times. But they only have those expectations for me because I designed for it to be that way. I never showed my vulnerability to anyone. I never let anyone see that I was weak. I never let anyone ever think that I wouldn’t pull through with all of my limbs intact.
And I discovered that that is where the problem stems from. I always made it seem like I don’t need other peoples’ help. But that’s not the case. I am in dire need of help. Everyone needs help from others. And that’s the mistake I made. I made it seem like I was perfect even when I was far from it. I’m tired of living that life and I now know that I have to trust other people more. I have to respect my own mortality and I need to humble myself enough to actually seek the help of others. I am not that strong – and that’s why I will need the strength of others to lift me up.