Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never really loved at all? I don’t know. Who even said that line in the first place? Did he/she really know what they were talking about? Because losing a love is devastating. It’s not something that I wish to put myself through more than is necessary in this life. In fact, it’s not something that I would ever want to have to go through ever again. It’s just damning. I feel broken and spent. I feel like I have my heart ripped out of my chest every single time I think about the love that I’ve lost. And it’s a recurring feeling of emptiness and despair that hits me over and over again. I can’t deal with it. I can’t stand it. It’s not a nice feeling and I hate it to my core. But still, it demands to be felt. The pain of losing a love is unparalleled by any other. There are so many things that go through a person’s system when they get heartbroken – both emotional and physical. And it’s all just too overwhelming. It’s all too much. And I’m surprised that a lot of people are able to move past it and get back to a place of health and safety. Because I personally don’t think that I would have the strength to survive another loss of love; to survive another heartbreak. I don’t think that I would have the resilience and the temperament to get over having lost a love more than once in my life. When I love, I go all in. I don’t hesitate. I don’t hold back. I don’t keep anything inside. And that’s why I fall so hard. That’s why it hurts so much when I find that there’s nothing to catch me when I hit the ground. And unfortunately, that’s what happened with the both of us. That’s what happened to our love story. It’s not that our love wasn’t real – it’s just a love that didn’t last. It’s a love that didn’t pull through. It’s a love that wasn’t meant to be at the time. And while that’s unfortunate, I don’t regret it happening. In fact, there are a few things that I regret not saying. There are a few things that I just want to get off my chest. And this is what I’m doing now.
The first love is always special. There is something so distinct about feeling in love with someone for the first time. It’s having the wave of feelings and emotions hit you like a big heavyweight punch to the jaw. It’s the exhilaration and thrill of being in a racecar going 200 miles an hour. It’s the excitement of having new adventures to face everyday with someone you’re constantly learning more and more things about as time goes by. It’s literally like being in a movie – except everything is better because it’s all real. And that’s the scary and exciting part of it all. It’s all real. All words, actions, and thoughts have consequences. And in this process of self-discovery, we grow to learn a lot about who we are as individuals and as a couple as well. And I guess that’s why it hurts so much to lose a love; but it hurts all the more when you lose your first love. There is just so much sentimentality that goes into a first love. There is so much meaning, power, and emotion that makes up the whole experience of a first love. And while things didn’t turn out the way that we wanted them to, it doesn’t mean that I regret the experience.
I don’t know if you’re reading this or if you even care at this point. But there are just a few things that I wish I could tell you right now. And here they are:
1. I want to thank you for being the one to push me off the edge; for making me believe that I was actually a person who was capable and deserving of love even though I was inexperienced.
2. Our love may not have lasted but that doesn’t mean that it was a wrong love. And I’m glad that we are both still going to find love for ourselves in the future – even if it’s not with each other.
3. We may not have reached the “forever” that we promised one another, but we’ll always have the time that we did spend together.
4. We might never really end up finding out the full potential of our love, but that should be okay.
5. As much as I wanted to forget about you the minute that we ended things, I realize now that I never want to forget you – and I’m always going to remember our love. I’m always going to remember my first love.