This Is What It Feels Like When He’s Afraid To Love

But here you are. You’re afraid to love. Just like I was before I met you. You don’t want to let love into your life.

It’s been quite a while now, and yet, I’m still here. I’m still forced to endure all of these overwhelming feelings and emotions that you managed to arouse in me a very long time ago. Nothing has changed. In fact, if we’re being completely honest, my feelings for you have only intensified. It’s as if all of my big feelings have decided to get together and bear little feelings of their own. And that has turned me into a glass house of emotion. I try to fight it because I’m scared of what these feelings are going to bring out of me. I don’t want to end up being vulnerable and helpless once again. I don’t want to have my feelings holding me hostage. I try to push them out of my system but they are just as stubborn as I am and it looks like they are staying. And it’s all your fault.

Our meeting was one that most people would refer to as random. It was a chance encounter and it defied all principles of design and control. I was at a point in my life where I wasn’t necessarily looking for love. I’m sure it was the same as you. We weren’t aggressively looking for each other and yet fate decided to play our cards on our behalf. The moment I met you, I just knew. It was as if a little switch in the darkest parts of my mind that I didn’t even know existed was flicked on. Suddenly, a whole now aspect of my bodily system started running. My heart was thumping. My mind was racing. My mouth couldn’t keep up with the pace of my brain. I knew that you were everything I was looking for in a man even though I wasn’t really looking for anyone. Until I met you, I was leaving a single and uninhibited lifestyle which was fine. I was content in my own life. But the moment that our paths crossed, it was as if a glass wall had been shattered. I had gained access to a whole new perspective to life and there was just no turning back. I had done such a good job of suppressing my inner feelings and curbing all my carnal desires. But the moment I saw you, I was left helpless and defenseless to my own emotions. So I allowed myself to fall and fall rapidly for you. It was a reckless decision on my part but I couldn’t help it. 

But here you are. You’re afraid to love. Just like I was before I met you. You don’t want to let love into your life.

And so I’m panicking because here I am, I’ve already let myself go. I’m already diving head first into uncharted waters and I’m trying to do some damage control. I desperately search for something to cling to. I try to find any semblance of a rope or a life jacket that I can grab onto. I don’t want to dive into these waters alone and I never should have jumped in the first place. It’s getting darker as I fall deeper and deeper. I’m nearing the moment of impact and I’m trying to brace myself the best way that I can but I’m still hoping I can salvage the situation that I have somehow put myself into.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined a person who could bring about the sheer intensity of feelings that you brought out from me and at such a hasty pace. I had always seen myself as someone who was generally reserved and calculated. I used to think that I was methodical in my movements and that I wasn’t reckless. I never ever gave in to my impulses without thorough analysis. But somehow, you just walked into my life and threw all of those beliefs out the window. Everything that I had thought myself to be was a lie, and it only took you a few seconds to create the mess that you did. You were precise in your movements, as wild as you were. You knew just the right spots to hit in order to bring these emotions out from within me. But it’s not fair. Why can’t you love me the way that you made me fall in love with you? Why did you choose me as a target when you don’t even have any interest in me for the future?

There is an unbearable pain within me that no words could ever do justice in describing. But it’s okay. I’ve come to realize that pain is an inevitable aspect of life. So as long as I’m feeling pain, I’m still alive. But here I am, still hoping for the day that you toughen up; the day that your bravery pulls through and you allow yourself to fall for me the way that I fell for you.

But until then, I’ll be waiting.