This Is Why I’m Scared To Date You

I don’t want to be branded as the girl who is needy and clingy.

I’m afraid of dating you just because I’m not exactly sure what it means to be dating someone at this point in my life. I’ve had too many experiences of dating people who express their interest in me during one minute and then immediately withdraw into their distant cocoons. I’m afraid that this is going to be another situation wherein we only try to see each other whenever it’s convenient to us but we never make any real commitments to one another. I don’t want to be in another dating situation wherein we say that we’re dating each other and yet we’re still opening ourselves up to other people. 

I don’t want to be dating you when you’re making yourself available to the market. I am now only interested in dating someone who actually wants to spend as much time with me as possible. I only want to date a man who is sure about wanting to get to know me better. I can’t take the uncertainty that has plagued my previous dating experiences. My heart can’t take that anymore. I want a semblance of consistency in my dating life and I’m not entirely sure if you’re the one who can give that to me.

I don’t want to be branded as the girl who is needy and clingy. I don’t understand why it’s so wrong for me to only want to date a man who will actually commit to me. I’m the type of girl who likes to commit to things wholeheartedly and it hurts whenever that commitment is never reciprocated. I’m tired of just playing around, but it seems like that’s the common trend these days. I feel like the odd one out. 

I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t understand how the new dating scene works, but I’m hoping I’ll find a guy someday who thinks that same way that I do. I never like to do anything when I’m unsure about it. When I see that a relationship has potential, I dive into it with my entirety. I don’t see the point in waiting around for the possibility of something better to come along. When I see an opportunity for legitimate love, I grab at it the best way I can. If that makes me needy and clingy, then I guess that’s just me.

I’m trying to stop myself from being interested in dating you because I legitimately see a future wherein you and I actually fall in love with each other. But I’m scared because my fantasies only usually exist in my world. And I don’t think my heart would be able to endure another experience of me falling for a person who would never fall for me. I don’t want another situation wherein we’re just on two different pages of the same book. I want us to encompass a single paragraph, a sentence; a single word. 

I want us to be in unison. I want us to be operating on the same wavelength. I want us to be the harmony and melody of a beautiful symphony. But I’m not entirely sure that you can give that to me. I seriously doubt that anyone could give that to me. I know exactly what I’m looking for out of a man and out of dating but I’m not exactly sure if you’re looking for the same things and that frightens me.

In my experience, people always leave. And somehow, I’m always the one who gets left behind. I’m never the one who leaves. So I promised myself that I wouldn’t allow myself to be put in that kind of situation again. I can’t set myself up to be left behind once more. I won’t allow another heartbreak to fall at my feet. I won’t aggressively pursue a person who doesn’t even think twice about me. I’m tired of this dating thing. I’m tired of experimentation. I want someone who is sure. I want someone who is stable. I want a man who is actually man enough to just walk to my doorstep, pull me close, look into my eyes, and tell me that I’m the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

I need to be with someone who has the same work ethic that I have. I am so afraid of dating a man who doesn’t think we both have equal responsibilities in the relationship. I am afraid of being the only one who dives into the relationship with no reservations only to land on a concrete floor with no one to catch me. I’m afraid of opening myself up to another person who will just walk away. I have so many bruises and scars within me that need fixing and I’m afraid I’ll only be dating a man who will just add to my pain.

I am downright terrified of dating again just because of all the uncertainty. But somehow, if you manage to break my defenses down. If you manage to make me comfortable enough to be around you; if you are able to make me see that your intentions are genuine; if you are able to erase my fears, then maybe dating you wouldn’t be so frightful after all.

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