You always asked me about why I loved you the way that I did.
When is it the right time for a person to move on from a failed relationship? How long does it take exactly? Some say it depends on how long the relationship was. Others say that it depends on how much you loved one another. Some have told me that it shouldn’t take that much time at all. Others have told me that I should be taking as much time as I need. I’m starting to learn that perhaps there isn’t a set time period for a person to move on. Maybe there isn’t any deadline that I need to be chasing. All I know is that I still haven’t gotten over you. We are long over but I’m still desperately in love with you. I’m still feeling all of this bottled up pain inside and there seems to be no end in sight.
Today is not the day that I’m going to definitely let you go, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m going to have to let you go eventually. I’m going to have to try. I’m just going to go right out and say that I’m no longer going to be a necessity in your life. In fact, I haven’t been one for a very long time. And it took me so long to accept that truth, but at least now I’ve come to terms with reality. You only ever needed me when you needed someone else to make you feel better about yourself. You never really needed me per se. You just needed the idea of me the idea of someone validating your worth; the idea of someone making you feel like you were a person of value in this life.
And I know I played that role perfectly for a time. But somehow, it wasn't enough and you chose to leave me. You always asked me about why I loved you the way that I did. And I know now that you only asked me this because you wanted to hear me list down the things about you that are actually worth loving. And I did so obediently. I never asked you to do the same for me even though I wanted you to. I wanted you to tell me that you loved me and I wanted you to tell me why. But I never got an answer. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to move on from you. You never gave me anything that I needed you never gave me closure. I’ve come to realize that I must never compromise on selflove, even in the shadow of your absence. It’s a lesson learned through heartache, reminding me that my worth isn’t dictated by your affection or the lack thereof. As I forge ahead, I understand that healing means prioritizing my needs and nurturing the love I have for myself.
And maybe it’s my fault for never asking for it. Maybe I didn’t want closure either because I didn’t really want us to come to an end in the first place. Maybe you were being selfish but I was being selfish too. When I first lost you, it was absolutely devastating. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. And as clich as that sounds, that was legitimately the first time I had ever experienced something like that. You were a piece that completed my puzzle and when you left, there was a huge void that was left unfilled as well. But the worst part of that whole situation is me never coming to terms with the fact that you left. Because every day that I woke up every day that I continue to wake up without you by my side,
I feel my heart constantly ripping itself into shreds. I feel the pain of loss and incompleteness over and over again. It’s like an endless cycle of sadness that renews itself every single day that I refuse to let go of you. And it really hurts. It’s a pain that’s unlike any other. I know that I can’t possibly go on living life in this manner. For my sake, I need to make a change. For my own well-being, I have to be able to let you go. Despite the fact that I’m still madly, desperately, hopelessly in love with you, I’m going to have to remove the space in my heart that has been solely reserved for you.
I’m not making light of this situation at all. I know how difficult it’s going to be for me. I know that moving on and getting over isn’t the easiest thing in the world. I know that letting go was never designed to be simple. If it were, I would have done it a long time ago. The very fact that I’m still trying to hold on is a testament to just how screwed up I am on the inside. But hey, I’m trying. I’m doing my best. I’m doing this because I know I have to; because for the longest time, I was always putting you first. But now, I have to start thinking about my own heart. I have to start putting my own self first. Yet, despite the struggle, there’s a clarity in my decision to prioritize myself. I need to understand why she chose to leave, as it might help me find closure and learn from this experience. It’s painful, but I believe that choosing self-care is not an act of selfishness; it’s a necessary step toward healing.
