We look at our partners and we can see in their eyes that we could never be enough.
It’s a frustrating ordeal to have to deal with. The whole situation is a mess.
We put so much effort into trying to turn ourselves into the idealized persons that the people we love want to be with. We invest so much into working on our faults and fixing our flaws just so we can make our partners happy. No matter how uncomfortable it makes us to act a certain way, we suck it up and we push through for the sake of our relationship. We would rather endure some major moments of discomfort rather than give up the relationship as a whole. And that’s where the frustration starts.
We look at our partners and we can see in their eyes that we could never be enough. We see that look of frustration and annoyance in their eyes and so we bite our lips and shut up before we upset them even further. We see that they’re mad at us about something we didn’t know we did but we apologize profusely in the hopes that they forgive us for a fault that we didn’t know we committed. It’s as if we are the cause for the perpetual bad mood that they are in.
They seem to be constantly upset and they always manage to give off this vibe that it’s because of us that they act this way. They act as if they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders with the kinds of problems that they have to bear but they don’t know that we consider their problems to be our own as well. And it’s a shame. You keep on saying sorry, but should you really be sorry for loving someone too much? Should we really be saying sorry for trying to love someone who doesn’t give us the same kind of love in return?
It’s a big mess and we find ourselves at a crossroads. We want so much for this love to work and so we don’t want to give up on it so easily. But on the other hand, this kind of love is incredibly high maintenance. It’s exhausting and it’s a stressful struggle. We were once at a good place with our partners, and that’s why we fell in love in the first place. But then slowly, those good moments started to gradually decline and now, it’s like we yearn for a taste of what it was like back when things were going great. We live for those little moments now; even though they’re handed out so rarely.
We keep on trying to find the motivation to stay even when all signs are telling us to get out. We are so scared to break things off because we still desperately cling to the belief that things are eventually going to get better for us even though the chances are dim. We are so frightened of ending things especially when we know that a life as a single person is lonely and vulnerable. But isn’t it weird that even though we’re in a relationship with someone, we still feel just as lonely and as vulnerable as ever before? But we still choose to stick with the grind. Some people call it blind optimism. Others will call it sad delusion. Others will call it unreasonable hope. Whatever. I just know that I don’t know what to do and that’s what frightens me the most. How can love make some people so happy and fulfilled while it always leaves me feeling anxious and despaired?
It’s almost sad how we constantly apologize to this person who is victimizing us. This person is the cause of our everyday anxiety and stress. This is the person who triggers all of our depression and sadness. But still, we choose to love this person and care for this person like they are the most important people in our unfortunate lives. Maybe we need to fight for a better kind of love. Maybe we need to wake up and realize that we deserve better. Maybe what we’re feeling now isn’t love; and that everything we believe in at the moment is a lie.
We owe it to ourselves to always pursue the love that we deserve the true kind; the real kind of love that brings happiness and joy to our days. We owe it to ourselves to be with someone who doesn’t victimize us and treat us like garbage when all we do is look out for their well being. We owe it to ourselves to fall in love with someone who is going to fall in love with us in return. Because that’s what love is supposed to be. It’s always supposed to be a give and take. Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much. And if it does, then maybe it’s because it isn’t the real kind.
