I Wish You Could Have Loved Me Too

I wish I could love another man the way that I loved you. But most of all, I wish you could have just loved me in return.

I’m lying down in bed but I can’t sleep. I am dead tired but my mind is still working double-time. It’s running at a pace I can’t seem to keep up with. He’s right here beside me. He’s sound asleep. He’s not budging. His breathing is steady. His heart rate is slow. He’s off in dreamland. He’s snoozing so deeply without a care in the world. His body is at a resting place and I’m here running a marathon in my mind. The sensation of his arms rubbing up against mine begin to hit me. I feel something, but it’s nothing sensational. It’s almost disgusting really. I feel his subtle sweat moistening my arm. I tried my best to keep my head steady. I close my eyes and I try to concentrate, but I can’t really do much.

My heart was racing, but not in a good way. It’s not racing in the way that it used to when you looked in my eyes. It’s not racing the same way when I used to hear your voice. This feeling right now is the bad kind of racing heart. It is more of a kind of discomfort. It is a fueled hatred. The way that you rubbed your arm against mine used to ignite a fire within me. You managed to keep a flame of passion burning deep inside me. Now, all I feel is irritation, discontentment, and unhappiness.

I feel the pains of my heart echo all throughout my body. I want to slap this man who is sleeping innocently beside me. I want to shove his arm away from mine. I want to tell him to leave my room; to leave my life and never return. I want to soak my arm in scalding water to rid myself of any remnants of him. But that might also mean that I completely scrub you from my life as well.

Right now I wish I could have an out-of-body experience. I wish I could just escape the hell that my body is giving me right now. My own mind is betraying me. My own heart is killing me. I want to fly off into dreamland and move into another host. I want to be in the body of the girl that you’re sleeping next to tonight. I want to feel every single sensation that she’s feeling. I want to be able to experience everything that I took for granted when I was with you. I wish it was your arm that was rubbing up against mine. I wish it was your spark that was igniting my fire deep down inside.

But we all know that I’m dreaming an impossible dream.

There’s always the option wherein I try to pretend that I’m actually happy. I could try putting on a brave face for the world to see. I could try to act like I genuinely like the place where I am now; that I actually enjoy the relationship that I am in. I can always try and act like he is actually you. I could treat him in ways that I used to treat you. I could try to force my mind into tricking itself to believe that I’m still with you; that it’s your arms I fall asleep in at night. Maybe that would make things easier on my aching heart. Maybe that would do wonders for my tired mind. Or yet maybe, it would only make things worse. Should I really resort to just deluding myself? Is happiness worth the complicit ignorance? Could I fool myself into believing that I’m happier now than I’ve ever been even when I know that it’s a lie?

I wish I could just reach out and grab at your hands at any moment’s notice. I wish I could feel the warmth of your embrace anytime I liked. I wish that it was your eyes that I would be getting lost in. Instead, I’m dealing with a person who just does nothing for me. Instead, I’m living a life that I feel just isn’t worth living.

I wish he would have the same smile that you had. I wish he would have that stupid grin on his face the way that you had. I wish that life would just take it easy on me. I wish the universe would make it easier for me to just move on from you. I wish my mind would just take things slow. I wish it would help me just forget all about you. I wish my body had the ability to just get over you. I wish I could just go on with my life and live it the exact way that I want to. I wish I could be happy again; the same kind of happiness that you brought into my life.

I wish I could love another man the way that I loved you. But most of all, I wish you could have just loved me in return.

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