I wish I could love another man the way that I loved you. But most of all, I wish you could have just loved me in return.
I’m lying downin bed but I can’t sleep. I am dead tired but my mind is still working doubletime. It’s running at a pace I can’t seem to keep up with. He’s right herebeside me. He’s sound asleep. He’s not budging. His breathing is steady. Hisheart rate is slow. He’s off in dreamland. He’s snoozing so deeply without acare in the world. His body is at a resting pace and I’m here running amarathon in my mind. The sensation of his arms rubbing up against mine begin tohit me. I feel something, but it’s nothing sensational. It’s almost disgustingreally. I feel his subtle sweat moistening my arm. I tried my best to keep myhead steady. I close my eyes and I try to concentrate, but I can’t really domuch.
My heart wasracing, but not in a good way. It’s not racing in the way that it used to whenyou looked in my eyes. It’s not racing the same way when I used to hear yourvoice. This feeling right now is the bad kind of racing heart. It is more of akind of discomfort. It is a fueled hatred. The way that you rubbed your armagainst mine used to ignite a fire within me. You managed to keep a flame ofpassion burning deep inside me. Now, all I feel is irritation, discontentment,and unhappiness.
I feel the painsof my heart echo all throughout my body. I want to slap this man who issleeping innocently beside me. I want to shove his arm away from mine. I wantto tell him to leave my room; to leave my life and never return. I want to soakmy arm in scalding water to rid myself of any remnants of him. But that mightalso mean that I completely scrub you from my life as well.
Right now I wishI could have an out-of-body experience. I wish I could just escape the hellthat my body is giving me right now. My own mind is betraying me. My own heartis killing me. I want to fly off into dream land and move into another host. Iwant to be in the body of the girl that you’re sleeping next to tonight. I wantto feel every single sensation that she’s feeling. I want to be able toexperience everything that I took for granted when I was with you. I wish itwas your arm that was rubbing up against mine. I wish it was your spark thatwas igniting my fire deep down inside.
But we all knowthat I’m dreaming an impossible dream.
There’s always theoption wherein I try to pretend that I’m actually happy. I could try putting ona brave face for the world to see. I could try to act like I genuinely like theplace where I am now; that I actually enjoy the relationship that I am in. Ican always try and act like he is actually you. I could treat him in ways thatI used to treat you. I could try to force my mind into tricking itself tobelieve that I’m still with you; that it’s your arms I fall asleep in at night.Maybe that would make things easier on my aching heart. Maybe that would dowonders for my tired mind. Or yet maybe, it would only make things worse.Should I really resort to just deluding myself? Is the happiness worth thecomplicit ignorance? Could I fool myself into believing that I’m happier nowthan I’ve ever been even when I know that it’s a lie?
I wish I couldjust reach out and grab at your hands at any moment’s notice. I wish I couldfeel the warmth of your embrace anytime I liked. I wish that it was your eyesthat I would be getting lost in. Instead, I’m dealing with a person who justdoes nothing for me. Instead, I’m living a life that I feel just isn’t worthliving.
I wish he wouldhave the same smile that you had. I wish he would have that stupid grin on hisface the way that you had. I wish that life would just take it easy on me. Iwish the universe would make it easier for me to just move on from you. I wishmy mind would just take things slow. I wish it would help me just forget allabout you. I wish my body had the ability to just get over you. I wish I couldjust go on with my life and live it the exact way that I want to. I wish Icould be happy again; the same kind of happiness that you brought into my life.
I wish I could love another man the way that I loved you. But most of all, Iwish you could have just loved me in return.